JUDICAL RACONTEUR.

Dominion, Volume 6, Issue 1732, 24 April 1913, Page 11

JUDICAL RACONTEUR.

4,. LORD KINGSBURGH'S FUND OF STORIES. AMUSING ANECDOTES. Lord Ivingsburgh, the Lord Justice Clerk, is famed for his fund of good stories. He was in great form at tho gathering of the Clan Donald Society in the Oak Hotel of the Edinburgh Cafe, recently. He had several anecdotes to tell of the bagpipes. At a certain garden party a lady accosted a piper who had been givins selections, and remarked that it would be an •improvement if the instrument were without the things that made the buzzing noise.

"Is it the drones that you would bo meaning?" itfked the piper.

"Yes," said the lady, "these things that stick over your shoulder." "If; it was not for tho drones," replied tho piper, "she would be 110 better than a common piano."

His Lordship then alluded to the remark of tho Highlander who said that while sailing oh the West Coast of Scotland on ono occasion he was in a small cabin where they were four pipers playing different tunes, and ho thought he was in Heaven.

Very smart was llio reply of the piper who was playing early' one morning at Balmoral. Lord-John Russell, who Was Minister in/attendance on the Queen, remarked to the piper in a patronising way that ho was rather fond of tho pipes, anil would not mind' having a piper plaving in tho morning nt his place in England. He inquired if ho could get 'him a piper. Tho Highlander looked doivn on his Lordship, who was a very small man, and asked, "What kind of a piper would you be wanting?" "Oh," said Lord Russell, "just a piper like yourself." "Ay," replied the piper, "you might easy get a Lord like your Lordship, but you couldnn- easy get a niper like me." The .simplicity of the "Highlander was exemplified in another story. A gentleman, who had taken a lease of shootings in the North, invited a party for a day's sport. His gamekeeper, in conversation with several ghillies who had come with tho party, said that there would not be a- good bag that day.

"Are tbere no birds?" asked a ghillie. "Yes," replied the gamekeeper, "there are heaps of birds, but the new tenant canna see."

"He canna see?" ' No, foi' I went to the house, and was called into the drawing-room, where his wife and his two daughters was sittin', and he- wa'lks up to me and says, 'Mac Nab, where's your hat?' and it was on my lieid a' tho time." ' Turning to a more serious subject, Sir Jofin told the story of the young man who was telegraphed for from tho south, Ilia father being very ill. On arriving in the morning the son was met by his sister, who told him that their father was dead. "Have you not been greeting?" asked the sou. "Aye," replied the young womtin, "I've been greet in', but I'll yoke to it again after I've had my breakfast." On. a similar subjcct the story goes of tho relatives of an old man who was dying assembling near the bedsido and discussing the funeral arrangements. Ono suggested that. John Mathieson should bo asked to make the coffin, but another replied that that, would never do. as John Mathieson and the old man had not been on speaking terms. At this stage a croak was heard coming from tho bedside—"lf John Mathieson makes my coffin I'll ne'er put n foot in't." His best, anecdote was that about the Jew who had got rich in the milk business. He was returning to Hamburg with his gains, and during the voyage ho s()ent his time in separating the various coins and placing them in piles on the table of his cabin. Ono day a little monkey which had been watching hitu entered the cabin, and, hastily picking up ono of tho bags, climbed to tho mast head. It thereupon emptied tho bag, removing the coins ono by one, and dropping them on the one side on to the deck, and on the other into the water.

Tho jow stood on tho deck, and. after watching this division of tho spoil, said in amazement—"That monkey must bo the devil. What camo from water has gone back to tho water, and what camo from tho milk lias conic to me."