A New Calender.

Dominion, Volume 6, Issue 1629, 21 December 1912, Page 21

A New Calender.

The reason I have embarked upon the businoss hero described is this. Twclvo .months ago a friend presented me with a "Tennyson" calendar for 1911, and, leaving the Insurance Bill out of the question, a few things have been more thoroughly unsatisfactory. You know, doubtless, the kind of thing I mean. One tears off a sheet each morning, and in addition to being confronted by the date in large type,, tho tamo of rising and setting oi tlio sun, and the state of the moon, one is given a quotation from the work of tho late Laureate. It is tie last-named feature which aas goaded me into aotion. The diabolical perversity of my calendar in. this particular has been almost incredible. it is not pleasant, for example, on :ne of thoso mornings which some of us know so well, when tlio mirror points out with brutal emphasis that you are fast becoming middita-ag-ed, bald and dyspeptic, to be toid, "Lo! ever thus thou growest beautiful." It is sarcasm in tiio worst possible taste. How disheartening, tco, to read on one's birthday the words, "l)ay, inark'd as with some hideous crime." An inoident like this destroys one's Mfrespect. One goes about, with the furtive air of a cat that has stolen tho feh.' At first;l imagined I must be peculiarly unfortunate, but I have long since realised that is not so. Thousands are suffering in the same way, and this vast amount of unnecessary human distress cannot fail to react, adversely . upoii the efficiency of the nation. It must be abolished. The only way is to revolutionise tho system 'of compiling poetical calendars, and this is what -I claim to have done. Orders may be sent now. Write plainly and state your occupation or principal pursuit. The price will naturally 'be a little higher than you have been accustomed to pay, since you are getting a better line of goods. Let me desoriba my method to you.' In the first place I soon discovered tliat the dauger lies in what maybe termed commonplace days, ■ days which are not of general interest. Oil saints' days, festivals, anniversaries, All Fools' Day, and so on, the present type of calendar usually lhanages to rise, tlough often in a very inadequate way, to tlio occasion. Even the idiot who produced my 1911 calendar was capable of admonishing wild bells to ring on December 31." The problem I had to face with these commonplace days was to find quotations which under no conceivable circumstances could give. offence .to tho reader. Nay more, my ambition was to set before him lines', of a'stimulating.'and inspiring nature. After, long cogitation I decided upon two steps. I .discarded, the absurd tradition of selecting excerpts from a single poet and, drew freely from all the best writers, and I adopted a new scheme of classification. Instead of the "Keats Calendar,". the "Burns Calendar," the "S'hakespeare Calendar," etc., I shall issue the "Dukes' Calendar," the "Cabmen's Calendar," the "Golfers' Calendar," and so on. Yoii see the idea? Thus; if you are a militant suffragette, you will find examples of this characterTo him, brave lass! Scratch out his eyes, and on his blanched Set the fierce print of thy sanguin'd nails. —Shakespeare. Then angry cries arose from all, "Cast out the woman from tho hall!" But though the henchmen toiled apace They could not drag her from the place, Full loud the chains'which bound, her creaked, And louder yet the woman shrieked. . • . . -Scott. ' I recall' The .swift assault, the scramble and the screams, Ahd'ali the avalanche of hurtling stones. , i'. ... ' . —Tennyson. 0 for' the depths of some cool-shadowed cell! ' —Keats. A harde stoon she cast Upon' a' wyndow fcliikke, and in prisoun Sh-s roamith to and fro and. up and doun. , ■; .: — Chauccr.' Of 'yoirmay bo a butcher; V'ery : well,' then— ■ . 1 The marvel and magic of mutton, ' Tho iure and the lustre of lamb. ■ ' —Swinburne. . Whafs i' the sausage P Man in his sanguine youth nor in his cross age Cannot discover. Yet we know it pleasant. —Browning. ■•Then, butcheT, take they chopper up, ' And cleave the joint in twain. 1 ■ . —Cowper. . Puir, silly; unsuspecting -beastie,' '■ _ • The heart that thrabs, within thj J breastie , Shall-sune be taken' fra- thy chestie, ; : And thrab nae mair. " ■' • ' —Burns. He drives like Jehu in- his 'chariot fleet, Uurges his- horse and speeds along the 6trect. ■_ ' 1 > —Pope. . I leave these few examples to speak for themselves. They are more eloquent than I. ' If the public supports me, as !■ anticipate, I. hope next year to go a step further, and: produce the "Private Calendar." In addition to the features already described, this will contain suitable quotations- for any dates of personal note with which the customer cares to supply me. On tho completion of another year of service at the office, for instance, he might read I count it as no common day The which, if Fortune wills it, may , Procure for service true and sage A modest increment of wage. —Wordsworth. ■ On tho day when he pays his life insurance premium:— , .0 separation which is deplorable- and most unpleasant—the separation from money! Tho paying out of cash from a purse not too-weirlined. Damnable nuisancc! AUons, air is for the best. —Walt Whitman. On the anniversary of his wedding:— This is my marriage day. —Ben Jonson. You are probably amazed at the extraordinary aptness and propriety of my quo. tations, and are wondering how I have oontrived to bring the work of selection to such a fine art. That, however, is my secret, which you can scarcely expoct me to givo way.—"Punch."