THE TWELFTH CIGAR.

Dominion, Volume 5, Issue 1252, 7 October 1911, Page 7

THE TWELFTH CIGAR.

MY AUNT SOPHIA. AND THE HAKDY SWAGGERS; (By "Wi.") "It is an article of philosophy, Aunt— an axiom framed upon human experience, 1 should say—that while it is possiblo to fool the wholo of tho public port of tho time, and even to fool part of tho publio all tho time, it is not possilio to fool tho whole of tho public all tho time." Having delivered invatlf of this weighty pronouncement, J. my cigar, and stretched my legs on tbo sofa. Aunt Sophia laid a bundle of newspapers on the table, sat down, and gazed at me with an amused expression "Apropos of?" she inquired. "Swaggers," I replied briefly, reaching for the ash-tray. "Which is, of course, a complete and perfectly lucid explanation?" observed my Aunt, with voiled sarcasm, "'Oh dear no I" 1 said. "Well?" pursued Aunt Sophia. "I was speaking allegorically, as it wore," I explained. "And obscnrcoly," supplemented Aunt Sophia. "Apropos of swaggers—what aro swaggers, Charles, if you really, don't mind?" "Oh—of course, Aunt. I forgot. Swaggers are swagsmen, tramps—you've eeen specimens of the tramp epecies, haven't you ? "I have," responded Aunt Sophia, grimly. I sympathised with all the tramps that had over, by accident or design, encountered my Aunt Sophia. "I have been deceived by pedlars " 1 smiled. Aunt Sophia stopped, and frowned. "You seem to find it ainusine, Charles," she said, interrogatively. "I but smiled out of sympathy, Aunt." I explained. "I've been had—er—that is to say—l have been deceived myself." "Bm," commented Aunt Sophia. 'Tray, go on, Aunt." "I have been deceived by pedlars and imposed upon by tramps in the past, Charles." "Ah—quite so." \ i "I should like to meet the tramp who could impose upon mo now," proceeded Aunt Sophia, with the air of one throwing down the gauntlet. "So should I, my dear Aunt," I responded. "So should I—very much." "Indeed!" said Aunt Sophia. "And why?"

I had thought of a gold medal for the enterprising individual of the tramp profession who could successfully exploit the Aunt Sophia who sat opposite, but I had not the courage to givo expression to the idea.

"Well," I said, diplomatically, "his would be a genuine caso of hardship. It would bo interesting, for once, to meet tho real thing, you know." "Some people aro very easily imposed on," said Aunt Sophia. "Tho people of Auckland, for instance," I suggested, recalled to my original train of thought. "I don't quite follow you, Charles." "Well," I explained, when I said swaggers—which means tramps, you know —I was thinking of the political species." "Yes?"

"Of a Knight of the Most Distinguished Order of St. Michael and St. George." "Oh!"

"And of an interesting gentleman, yclept Thomas, who executed a somersault from tho Opposition side of the House to the Treasury Benches." "Mr. Mackenzie ?'•' '■■ -.-•■'■ .'

"The same. The Honourable Tummas lost his constituency when the electoral boundaries were' altered the other day— or, rather, it was lumped in with another constituency and its name changed —and he has been 'humping, hia bluey'—-"

Aunt Sophia frowned. ..'.-. "On the tramp—going round,"cap;;:in hand, looking for a soft place," 'I added hurriedly, taking dpo nottj..of,,the. l frown. 7 _ "Then he and Sir- John in; the same predicament?" ■■ "On the tramp. Yes, but with this 'difference," I pointed out, "that Tummas has held a seat in tho Cabinet as an j elected representative of the people. Your Sir John has likewise held a seat in the Cabinet, but by the grace of our baronet, which is a very different and very undemocratic thing. It must be very annoy- , ing, Aunt, after doing a handspring from one side of tho House to tho other, for Tummas to lose his job just when he is beginning to feel at home in it—what?" "Naturally." "And to play second fiddle to the knight." "Second fiddle?"

"Our hopeful friend, Sir John—l'm giving you this as a piece of gossip from a pretty reliable source, Aunt—was given tho choice of contesting either Egmont or Parnell constituency. Tummas was to take what was left—if he could." "Can this really bo true, Charles?" I flicked the ash of the cigar. "1 give it for what it is worth, Aunt," I replied. I should say that it is somewhere near the mark—part of a proposition arranged in tho quid pro quo system. I wonder what Tummas is going to get out of it it ho is beaten?

"High Commissioner, perhaps, Charles." "M—yes. Shouldn't wonder. I'll bet Tnmmas didn't take it lying down." My aunt sighed. "Wherever do you nick up all those strange and meaningless expressions, Charles?" "Well—l mean, thero must have been a row in the Cabinet before the tramps' itinerary was mapped out for them. As a matter of fact, aunt, Sir Joseph can say what he likes, and Mr. Fowlds can say what he likes, about amicable relations, and parting as friends, and all that sort of thing, but certain little incidents- have come to light which point to the suggestion that there-must havo been a sultry ten minutes when Fowlds cut tho painter. '■'."■[. "Oh!" Aunt Sophia looked very feminine at that moment. After all, women 'will be women—what say you, sirs?

"Moa can ' conceal their personal feelings must; better than the other sex— that is, in public," I observed, tentatively, stating a fact an terms of a theory. And, if so—what then?" asked Aunt Sophia, pursuing tho question without committing herself. "Since Mr. Fowlds parted on—er— friendly terms from the-Prime Minister, Aunt, the entente cordiale has been er —hum—how shall I express it? —" • "Unimpaired " suggested Aunt Sophia. "Is—a—has been been such as to indicate that the professions of eternal friendship expressed by both gentlemen in . the House were uttered rather for the purpose of tickling the public ear than for —urn-er " "I see." "All this is apropos des bottes, my dear Aunt," I said. "To return to our .muttons, as the saying is. I suppose you'ro pretty well posted about tho result of Sir John's little trip to Auckland the other day?" , "I have the Auckland papers here, • Charles," replied Annt Sophia, spreading them out on her lap. "Quite a nice little speech ho made to the deputation when they asked him to stand for Parnell— don't you think, Charles?" "There goes the woman who said she'd like to meet the tramp that could impose on her," I exclaimed, cynically. "Why—what do you mean, Charles?" "You've been and gono and swallowed tho lot," I declared with a tragic air. "What nonsense you do talk, Charles. Wasn't it a nice little speech?" "Humbug!" I said disgustedly. "It's an insult to the intelligence of the Parnell public. Why, dash my buttons, tho whole thing's so transparently a put-up job that—that—hang it all " "Be careful, Charles." "All right, Aunt—don't be alarmed. You sco, Aunt, tho gist of tho wholo business is this. The electors of Egmont and I'arnell are coolly invited to convert their constituencies into pocket boroughs, to do whatever the Ward Government orders them to do. Nice state of affairs!" "They may not get in, Charles," observed Aunt Sophia, hopefully. "There's no knowing, Aunt," I said. "If only the public would wake up, and do a little thinking.', _ They wouldn't dare put such a proposition to a Wellington constituency. Fimllay's supporters in Parnell probably think that there's something more.to be got out of having a Ministerial representative in Parliament than ii private member. I'd give something for their thoughts if he's beaten." "You couldn't publish. them, even-if you got them, Charles?" said Aunt Sophia.

I grinned. "It's a wicked world, Aunt," I said. "But what about this aspect »f tho question—suppose Fimllny rcls in for Pnrnell, mill .Mackenzie gets in for Eamont, ami Ward's Government is licked ?" "Yes?" "They'll both be private members, in opposition." "Would our enterprising friend Tnmnias live in Egmonl—in his .constituency—on his salary as a private member? Or would Fimlliiy livo in Aucklnnil—as he says he will, if elected. —and neglect his legnl practice in Wellington?" "I see," said Aunt Sophia. "In Hint event, Charles, Egmont and Parncll will be—" "In the soup," faid I. " disillusionised," corrected Aunt Sophia. "Good night!" ...