THE TENTH CIGAR.

Dominion, Volume 4, Issue 1234, 16 September 1911, Page 6

THE TENTH CIGAR.

MY AUNT SOPHIA. THE BUDGET AND ME. BTJDDO, (Bt "WI.") "Charles—what is Mr. Buddo in the Cabinet?" "Tlio limit'," I responded, briefly, busy with my cigar. Aunt Sophia frowned. "And what, may X ask, is the limit?" she inquired, icily. "Mr. Buddo, Aunt," I replied with unseasonable levity. I "Xl—m—one of your office jokes, I sunpose?" suggested Aunt Sophia, in an acidulated voice. I have sometimes wondered, irreverently, how much vinegar Aunt Sophia would yield if she were put through the wringer. The recurrence of this speculation, at the moment, brought a smile to my face. "I see nothing to laugh at," she commented,, briefly. "Keep your hai—a—hm—m! No I offence, X assure you," I said hurriedly. "I wasn't laughing at anything—really." "What. were you smiling at, then?" she pursued, determined, apparently, to worm the truth out of me. "Nothing," X protested. "Hang it, Aunt, can t a fellow smile if ho wants to?" Hero I assumed an injured expression and addressed myself t'o the cigar, watching tho lady out of the corner of my eye. My Aunt tried another tack. "A penny for your thoughts Charles," hms hmm "Perhaps I can buy tho joke,", she suggested.

I shook my head. "Gimme five hun'dred quid—l mean pounds—and a ticket to Sydney, and I'll cable 'em over, Aunt," I said, thinking of the wringer, and grinning in spito of myself.

"What a funny little man it is," 6be observed, looking very much as -if she ' would have liked to jab mo with one of her hat-pins. "Eh?—what's that?" I exclaimed, rather startled by my aunt's attempt at levity. "Funny—litt'le—nian," she repeated, with deliberate emphasis. "Who?" 1 demanded. "You." "Don't be giddy, Aunt," I said, with hauteur. "It " < "Charles! i " I held up my hand. "Allow me to finish." I said, in a stagey voice. "The giddy act doesn't become you, my dear Aunt." ! My Aunt Sophia opened and shut her mouth mechanically before she found her voice. "My word!" she gasped. "A 'oss! a 'oss!—my kingdom for a 'oss," 1 exclaimed in a panic-stricken voice. Aunt Sophia picked up her gloves and glanced at me: "Im going. home —this minute," she announced. "Yes—but what about Mr. Buddo, Aunt?" I asked, anxious to revert to tlio statu quo ante. "I don't want " "Come, my dear aunt. I'll apologise," I said, humbling my pride to the dust, as it were. "What were you laughing; at, then?" sho demanded, with the air of one delivering' an ultimatum. I lied cheerfully. "Mr. Buddo, auntjust* Mr. Buddo." "H-m," she commented, in a suspicious voice. "Very well, then," she said finally. "I'll stay." I breathed freely onco more, and revived the cigar. "Well," I inquired, "what's ( all this about Mr. Buddo ?" "I've been to Parliament, Charles," sho began. "Aha!" I said. "When?" "La.sfc Tuesday night—when they began the Financial Debate, you know." "That explains Mr. Buddo," I commented. "I found it dreadfully dull, Charles." "Naturally, my dear Aunt. With Mr. Buddo loquitor, what olso could you expect? Did you read the Budget before you went?" ' "Yes—l did. I thought it was ' very good, t00.",, . , "M-yes?" "At all events, Charles, I don't seo what anybody lips to grumble at." "Um—vou don't?" "There's something in it for everybody, isn't there?" 1 I nodded grimly. "Even fho pawnbrokers aro not forgotten," I said. "Even the pawn—whatever do you mean, Chailes?" I,grinned. "I don't mean the common or garden threo-bahs variety of the money-lending species." I explained. "I'm referring to the big fish—the dealers in millions."

"Is he going to borrow again?" asked Aunt Sophia, with awo in her voice. "Who's he?" "Sir Joseph." "Too true, my dear aunt. Ho can't stop now, you know. He says if lie does we'll go bung." "We'll what?" "Tho country will collapse like a busted baloon—or something of the kind. "Dear me," observed Aunt Sophia. "But what about all the nice things in tho Budget, Charles." ■ "Bait for the electors," I replied. "Look here, Aunt, don't you take Ward's Budget too seriously. Beware of tho Budget that tries to please everybody. Did you see anything about a Land Bill in it?" "I don't think I did,, Charles." "Just so. You can't frame a Land Bill to suit everybody. Ergo, our" friend Joseph funks the Land Bill. The country has been asking for some decent land laws for a long timo past. Whero aro theyij Where are the baronet's fine promises about bringing down a Land Bill? Echo adswers, where? Ho did trot one in the last year, but as soon as somebody said "Boo!" he shoved it back in the cupboard. You followed Mr. Massey's remarks when he led off in the financial dobato on Tuesday night, didn't you?" "Yes."

"Well, you should have a fairly good idea of some of tho Budget's short-com-iiigs."

"Oh, yes, I think so," said Aunt Sophia. "But I was hoping to hear Sir Joseph reply. "Instead of which you heard Mr Buddo." ■

"I thought that it was tho usual thing for tho head of the Government, or one of tho senior Ministers, to reply to the Leader of the Opposition ? My goodness! You should have seen some of their faces —Liberal faces, mind you." It's the usual thing, and the proper thing. But your friend Joseph, my dear Aunt, has no regard for tho etiquette of a constitutional debate , ; and still less for tho dignity of the House. Here you have the head of the Government presenting his Budget, which is his policy, to the Houso of Parliament—to the country, in effect. The Leader of tho Opposition gets up and points out such weaknesses as exist. He challenges the Government policy—throws his gauntlet on tho floor .of the House. What does your friend Joseph do then? In effect, he says: 'I'll put up Buddo to reply; that's good enough for Masscy.' In other words, Aunt, he puts' up the weakest Minister in tho Cabinet, who knows nothing whatever about finance, to reply to the Leader of the Opposition party's criticism of his policy—a deliberate affront to the Opposition and to tho country. What could Mr. Buddo tell yon about the Budget?"

"I must admit, Charles, that I found Mr. Buddo very difficult to tallow," said Aunt Sophia. "Some of the members must have been in the samo plight, for they went out."

"Don't reproacli yourself, Aunt," I said. "Experienced hands in the Press Gallery have tried to follow the honourable gentleman, in the hope of arriving somewhere before he sat down. No good. Mr. Bucldo sets out, but he never arrives." "Won't they let him?" "Oh—yes. But. he won't oblige. He simply sits down in the middle of his argument and smiles triumphantly at the Opposition, as if to say 'There you are, gentlemen—settled in one hit!"' "I say!" • "To seo Mr. Buddo at his best, Aunt, you want to go along to the House when the Estimates come up. Mr. Buddo answering questions is positively .immense. Somebody will get up, and ask him why Mr. So-.ind-So, in his Department—lnternal Affairs, you know—didn't get a rise in his screw. Buddo will get up and say something like this: In reply to the honourable gentleman, I should just like to refer him to the latest statistics on the prevalence of gimlets, and to state that I have 110 intention of reducing the price of butter." ( "Oh—nonswiso, Charles," exclaimed my Aunt, rising to go.

"Nonsense? Not at all, my dear Aunt. . He's a corker."

"H'nii" observed Aunt Sophia. "Well, Charles. I w.ant to know what Mr. Buddo,

t.lio 'corker/ as you ca-11 lii ni, is doing in tlio Cabinet at all, it" lie is what you sav/' "That's what a good many people want 1 o know. AY© can only surmise. My theory of the matter is that Ward, desiring to bo the 0110 dominant factor in tho Cabinet, selected men to suit his purpose. Mr. Buddo is not a strong Minister; he is amiable and harmless, with such a facility for putting both feet in U that Joseph can hardly trust him in the House. Some day 111 cull a few choiqo | Buddoisms from Hansard. "You 11 enjoy 'em." , „ ~ . , "In other words, Charles, said Aunt Sophia, a smile hovering about the corners of her mouth, "ho is 'the limit, as you call it. Good-night.' . I thought of the wringer, and grinned to myself. NEW ZEALAND NEWS. (By Telegraph—Press Association.! »- ' MISSING. Christchurch, SeptemW 15. Mrs. Charles Phillip Turner lias been missing from lier homo at Upper RiccaTton since 10.40 a.m. yesterday. She lett by the 11.15 a.m. tram for town with tho intention of getting her teeth seen to, and did not return. She lias been in indifferent health recently, and fears are entertained for lier safety. NEW POST OFFICE. Christchurch, September 15. The Department have agreed to purchaso a ten-feet strip of land ill Sydenham from the Education Board so as to allow of the street being • widened before tho now post oifice is built at the corner, Tho price paid was £-5 per foot along tho Colombo Street frontage. LEVIN BUOYANT. Levin, September 15. To-day's stock sales mark tho inauguration of weekly sales at Levin; they were formerly fortnightly. Exceptionally largo entries have been made, and buyers aro present from Wellington, Palmerston, and Wairarapa. ; Tho uoticeable increase in confidence in the district, as displayed in the land purchased at high prices in tho Buller Estate and Gear Estate, has induced other landholders to sell. Arrangements to auction 700 acres of first-class land within Levin aro being completed. .BUTTER BY CONSIGNMENT. Eltham, September 15. Tho Mangatoki Dairy Company has decided to consign the season's butter output' in preference to selling, though it had an offer of UJd. GAOLER SEVERELY HURT. Gisborne, September' 15. A prisoner named Alfred Carter made a sudden savage attack on Gaoler C. Parker whilst the latter was administering medicine to him last' evening. Carter had been . remanded for treatment after a drinking bout. The gaoler was severely gashed about the head and will bo laid up several days. ELECTRIC LIGHTING. Christchurch, September 15. _ The Mayor states that the City Council recently ascertained that plans and-speci-fications for tho now Government Buildings in Cathedral Square made no provision for electric lighting. Although tho Government wore at the present engaged in bringing tho Lake Coleridge scherao into operation only gas lighting was specified. The matter was brought under tho notice of the Minister for Public Works who immediately appreciated the situation and at onco gave orders that an alternative system of electric lighting should be installed in tho new building.

FINED £50, Duncdin, September 15.. Mary Tansc.v, nf Saddle Hill, previously convicted in ,Tuly, J909, ivas to-day lined .£SO for sly grog-selling. STEAM PACKET PILED ,UP. , Wairoa, September 15. Tho A. S. Tuatua left liero last night for Napier, but attempted to return owing to heavy weather. She vent'on'tho beach at 8 o'clock. Attempts are being mado to float her off, a.nd iL is hoped .they will bo succcssful at high tido tonight, WHOLESALE CLUB. Christchurch, September 15. Reserved judgment was given by Mr. Justice Denuiston in Chambers to-day upon tho Wholesale Club Company's petition to publicly wind up. Tho petition was dismissed with costs XlO 10s. to the petitioning creditors, and £17s to Mr. Hunter, to bo paid by the liquidator. Mr. Cowlishaw appeared for the petitioning creditors, Mr. Anthony for the company, Mr. Hunter for tho opposing creditors, and Mr. Vincent for a director. Upon tho motion of Mr. Anthony, for tho club, an order to revoke tho appointmont of tho provisional official liquidator was made, tho costs of tho liquidator to be paid. GRAIN AND PRODUCE. Christchurch, September 15. ' Practically no change has taken place in tho condition of tho wheat market eince Wednesday. Business is exceedingly quiet, and there lias been no Quotable chanEo in priccs for this cereal. The same remarks apply to oats, which remain firm ?.t late rates. The best prices quoted for Up-to-Date ; potatoes axe 40s. per toil at country stations. Derwents are quoted at 455... and Up-to-Date seed at 4Ds. to' 505., a, slight drop since the beginning of tho week. Butter has weakened a penny ner lb. on all grades except dairy, which is ouotcd at id. lower. Cheese, on the other hand, has advanced sharply, and factory erade command 65d., dairy being id. less. Merchants etate that business in crass seeds of all descriptions has been exceptionally brisk during * Aucust. and the slight falling-off during tho present month may be accounted for by the fact that farmers have probably done most of their sowing for tho season.