THE CHANGING SCENE.

Dominion, Volume 4, Issue 1025, 14 January 1911, Page 6

THE CHANGING SCENE.

.(By M.C.Ii.)

A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW.

"Have you been reading the reports of tho Science Congress in .Sydney?" asked the little man in spectacle's in the corner of the smoking . compart- '• ' i V'-. "Reading 'em? Yes, I've read 'em," said the big...red-faced, man with the sack of groceries, who was . hanging to a strap. "I'm' a great ".admirer of Science, but that . Congress beats me ■altogether. 1 don't deny'.that'it must havo -V' calming effect upon the public ■ mind: to know just exactly .what is tho truth-about tho' Affinities; of. tho Verterbrate. Fauna of tho Kermadecs. Things like-that ought to be cleared right up. i And I admit-.that much .unrest.has been J allayed by Professor Bromido'B .masterly ■ treatise on hereditary lesions in the recipro'cating orl-glands'of the fresh-water' ifantod. . And although' I never •' would ■admit' it, I : ivas pretty considerable worried about the relativity of .'bodies, 60 that it did .mo good ttj know that iEnstein's principle is sound. ..I -admit , all ; this freely, but ; what I want .to iknow" is why tho Congress; didn't, havo. la paper on tho best way to deal with !-slags: Mind you, I'm not; saying anything, against these old; johnnies, but they're faddy. Professor" Ganglion may know,'all about the'- electrical tension' of the laminated conglomerate of-air aggregated synopticon, but does that help old Ganglion's lettuce-bed any? Sure\it don't. And the man who's .-made'the finest researches into fermon-: ;• tatioii can't- show: you how to reduce ' tho of froth to beer."

"But,you'll admit that the scientists .are responsible, 'for •' efficiency] every--'where?" asked the little man. ' < "Well," said a quiet young man iif the corner, "I've' been reading the cables from Adelaide. I suppose Pro- ! fessor Kinetic could ■ tell you exactly 'what.would happen to a. cricket, ball if ; you gave, him the,- place. it. pitched, its | speed, its break, the direction and speed |<)jr the bat, and so on. A terrible hack |he'd make.of .Cotter,.'eh? Swipo him ;forsix every over, >eh? Now, Vic. Trumper, never heard of old Kinetic, and.perhaps thinks that Newton's Laws are.;the i;ules 0f... cricket .before the Marylebone era. But I'd back Trumper .to handle a.googlie."; • 1 /'That's right," said the - red-faced 1 man.-' "Why ain't these scientists pVac;tical. " Why .donltthey, explain why it rains when you've arranged a ■:picnic?Or why the City Council overloads tho x Mirainar cars? Or why you run out of tobacco on Wednesday afternoons?"' '

"Or why you're standing on my foot?" said the man who had ■ been listening.

"Jusso," said, the red-faced man,* as the scientist stepped oif the.car into a bicycle.' . . • ■

• It is reported that, ■ wanting p, cup of. tea at one of the railway refreshment ■.stations, Sir Joseph Ward Jiad difficulty in persuading the'young lady at thecounter to let-him-take liis tea into his . carriage. . Ho had, so it was alleged; to /mention his nam.o before.,the lady gave. way. -A more credible report represents that .the lady demanded proof of' Sir Joseph's identity, and that he thereupon made the following speech: ■ "I have no hesitation in-saying that-'in view of ,our having taken up tho posi-■tion.-that' wo affirm, and I challenged ] anybody'to deny' 'what I am going "tb' put on record, having resolved to trust i the . people, then nobody who is not blinded by mean, black, paltry," smallI minded, bigoted, prejudice,. will , deny that I have taken up tho, position that every cup of tea, so'far as I person-* . ally am concerned, and I am sure I may -speak also for my. colleagues—l repeat ; it, every cup of tea is audited, and it J is., on. record; Now, one word as to this cup of , tea. Throughout tho transaction I have aimed ■ at straightforwardness, 'and.those who say otherwise, and.who ; always seek. to; stab mo - in .tho back, pretending, as I have no hesitation in : saying, that. they - are . actuated by patriotic motives, then, I,say,'Twill 'be n o party to it, and "if wo are to bo put in the position' of saying that: we. shall play fast aijd. loose with tho tea -and sandwiches' of. this country—l have ,given ..the'figures before, and I repeat them, 98,000,000 cups of' tea and tho .same number of sandwiches—if we are .to bo placed in this f position, then, rather than tolerate .it, I am prepared, ■for I will not have it said I act unfairly, I am-prepared to drink , the tea 'here. (Loud applause.) . "I. believe :nbw*.that you are Sir ■ Joseph," said tho lady.

I m gla-ad /that .wan pa-aper thur'ly ■ appreciated me frind Joe's raisin' iv Hh'.loan/' said Mr.- Dooley. "It didn't .calj him a plunger,- like th' crim'nals that writes in'-JDojiinion, nor a genius, ; like th' bishops on th'' Ministerial ■ press. It saw what neither th' crim'j Dais nor th' bishops saw—th' hayroism |iv Joe. 'Wo 'copgrathulate him/ says i th' pa-aper, 'on goin , : boldly on to th' money marrket.'?' "Was that hayroic?" asked Mr. Hensiiessy. . "Well, Jawn,, sncakin' f'r meself, I . twuz, an' i tliink that Carnegie ■is quite right in, his decision, not. yet announced, t' give Joe a pension iv livo shillings a week frjm th' Hayro Fun'. 'I'caco hath her victh'ries;' says ;th' poto. Bracken, 'no less thin war,' he says. An' finance lias her hayiKics, no less thin.aviation,,even if it has feiver funerals: it has ■ just as', rr.finny scalps. Iv coorse, whin a harrdened sn' linyetherato vagabon*. comes at yo th' thirtietli time f'r th' price iv a bed —wan iv.. those , beds', that' como out iv". ' a bottle 'tisn't a question iv hayroism, • but. iv appjyin' : tH' bbot., But Joe's ' case is; dilf'rent. Ye can talk iv 'Hor- ■ achoos that kcp'. th' bridge in th' ould . days iv th' toll-gate, or iv Nelson, or anny of thoso'-boys, but they wuz pro- ■ -fessionals. Sinco Cortes went t' Darien, l since Cook burrst into th' silent seas out' here, since Galahad. rode out without'a pocket charrt in search ,iv th' Grail, nawthin' so lino as Joe's bowld invasion iv London has been reporthed. |I hear,', ho says .at th' Cabinet meetin', 'that yo can borry. money in London',' he says, 'ap' I feel liko thryin' lit,' says he, 'though 'tis a darin' thing,' ihe says. ■ ''O stay,' soys th' Attorneyi Gin-ral, 'an rest yero weary head on,' •says lie, 'this breast', ho says, 'f'r they don't know yo in Loudon, an' 'tis a . big place, full iv spielers, an' annyi thin', may hapten,' he says. But Joe !'i decided t' go. I can ondherstan' that there wud be nothin' great about th' j appearanco on th' London marrket iv I spine battle-scarred vetheran whoso vest iwuz known t' every pawnbroker in th' ■ pjace. Thero wud have been nothin' i-liayroic in another borrowin' visit by a 'counthry that owed seventy or eighty I million. That wud not have been hayiroism, but plain nerrve. But'whin a f blushin' maiden liko New. Zealan' goes ion to th' marrket, t' encounther th' ' stares an'- sniggers i.v th' toughs that j leu' th' cash, why, Jawn, yo think at Mvance iv Joan iv Arrc, an' Godiva, an' \ th' firrst Suffragette that bit a police„man ,on th' nose. I dinnaw whether * Joe w&2 dbj'i.vrn be necessity, or i . ■

whether 'twuz just vanity an' ambition, or whether 'twuz a bet. But 'twuz thruly hayroic. Ho lias .th' right stuff in him. He wudn't rayfdsc a dhrink. Ho wud boldly decline t' wurrk if ho cud do'without'wurrkin'. He's a daredevil, Jawn?' ■ •' "ThiriTil study'liim," said Mr.-Heu-ucssy.' "Ye shud.. F'r wan day ho may decide on .th' rcckles3 policy iv self-rc-lianc'e. • •. dfiy, indeed, ho may have 'In view of the prevalence in our midst-pf..Labour..leaders from abroad— tho Hodges and Bcebys and Holmans and Batchelors and Hugheses and, so.on: 'I'used to think A l'd. liko to be a millionaire, but ;now-I'seo .that plubocrats aro very ;rare who „own digestions, peace or hair. . To bo a Dutto I used to Irot, with break* fast- in a coronet;'-but where' 6 your breakfast if your gorge should rise to think of D. Lloyd George? I thpught, one timo, to be a.King would be a simply thing, but pampered, petted Kingship Quito • destroys the edge of .appetite. iFond of a craok-about my trade with fellow-tqilers, I'm . afrajd tha/t Pope-ship's not for me—Ochone, is 'on his Pat llalone.:', ' !ln all the ~ whole blamed box of ; tricks, tho only'thing is politics; but neither Asquith, Taft, nor Joo provokes my hungry envy,-no. ; - • iTo waste your cash and tax you dry appeals,to me,.l don't deny; and fine it is ,fo turn:your Taw and funniest notions law. ••But eombre wealthy coves liko these, who'vo long • had everything they please, can .never, never hope to know the bliss of Beeby, Hughes and Co.And so' of all things I-would bo one of a Labour Ministry, and travel round and thrill to feel tho plutocrat beneath my hcol," How sweat to feel you're dining at the table-, .where,.tho-, plutocrat. was. wont to curso you loud'and free—aha! that's true felicity; ' • To know that Mammon has to pay tho chargw of your holiday; to chuck' the public cash about—until the public chucks you out. '