The Storyteller.

Dominion, Volume 3, Issue 698, 24 December 1909, Page 11

The Storyteller.

Worthy of His Hire. At a recent conferenco in- New York of foreign missions boards, refercnco was made to the ; increased cost of living of missionaries liome on leave, which made .it.harder, for them to' get along than if they stayed in their foreign' field ;of • ■ labour. "Why." said tlio speaker, "a missionary must travel decently, and that reminds ino of a story.oof Mr. Sputf-' geon and a fellow clergyman. The two. were just starting oft. on a railway journey, and Mr. Spurgeon's friend showed ■ him a sccond-class ticket!.. .. - . N - " "'See,' said he, 'what good care I talce of the Lord's money.' . "'See,' said Mr. Spurgeon, bringing out a first-class ticket, ' what good care I take of the Lord's servant.'" 1 - ' Ho Wasn't Born. ; 'A little Swede boy presented himself before the schoolina , ',am, who asked his name. "Yonny Olsen," he replied. _ : "How old. are you?" asked the teacher. '; "Ay not know how old ay. bane." ■ _ , "Well,-.when were you born?", continued the teacher, who .nearly fainted at the reply—"Ay,not born at all; ay got step-mutter. His One Objection. : A college graduate applied for work 'in a Michigan Jumber-camp. He'was told to occupy himself with one end of a cross-saw, tho other end being- in charge' of an old Jiiul experienced .lumberman. " - - At tho end of the second day the young man's strength began to wane.- Suddenly theold man stopped tho saw a moment. , "Sonny/' ho said, not' unkindly,; "I, don t mind, yer riding on this, saw,' but.-if it's jest the same to you I wish you'd keep yer, feet off the ground." No Need to Rush. If we may credit a Princeton, lecturer, re-'' ported in tho Washington "Star," the late ■Mr. Cleveland was disposed; to- have a little fun at . the expense of: those Americans to whom life :is devouring and incessant activity. "Mr. Cleveland," said the lecturer, "had no sympathy with the rush and. hurry that our business men-'so complacently affect, no sympathy with'' thii. lunchjtable telephone, with the letter phonograph, and with train and,boat dictation. f ' • '"Don't rush'. so,' Mr., Cleveland onco. said to me. 'Lightning might do a great deal moro if it wasn't always in'such an awful hurry i'". Jhought They Wero Tapers. A story is told of a new cook who was help---inglier mistress .to prepare the . dinner.- All. went well until tho macaroni was brought out.The cook, looked with surprise as she .beheld tho. long white sticks. But when they •were carefully placed in the water she gave a choking, gasp. _, ; - "Did you sayi missus," she said, in an awed voice, "that you were going to cat that?" "Yes, Jane,". was the reply,- "that is what I intend to do. . But you-seem surprised. Have you never seen .macaroni cooked before?" '■! • "No, ma'ani," answered the cook. "I ain't. The last'place I .was at' they used. them things -to light-the gas..with." • ;•' - They Were Mistaken. Constable Stopem was found on the roadside in'ail insensiblb condition, and evidently.- delirious, for he. muttered .incessantly; — ~v "I ata. one,, too." • . "He's evidently been poisoned," said the docton as-ho listened to the rambling 'sentence which , the P.C. uttered.: 1 "I'll try. the, stomach pump on liim." : V- 1 -' This' instrument, of torture brought ; the dazed constable I .'to' his senses, .and, lio kicked th'e pump to the: other eiid of the room, and cried— .'- ■■ "What do .you mean -by this? '■• ■ .:- _ : "1 1 thought ' you' l ire'. ,i piiiSf/hMrit'explainea' the doctor. "You kept on saying, I ate one, too.'" ; "Yer a lot o' bloomin'- idiots!'':grunted' Constable Stopem, wratlifully. "That's the number of, tho ear ,wot. knoated -roe ovcr^-1.812.", ; : ■' i /.[ " ' - : It Was So Easy. ■ ~ Two young gentlemen,. whilst - on a tour in"the' Western'"counties, halted,..in'.front)of a charmiiig little' cottage.) The thatched roof and quaint little windows suggested that it 'would make a good photograph, ; and the two Vtourists : set about getting their Ncomera-- into';position:V., - •- . Ail old; lady.:stood at tho door, of the cottage, and - after staring at the: amateurs : for! a minute or •••so,, she,hobbled- down. the garden; and said:—'- ■'•'" '• -•- "Are you takin' ;the picture of this-place, young sirs?" - •'' "Yes,-if you don't mind,"-replied the young tourists. -V - '■ ; - - - . "An' will ye, do oneifor.me?" asked tho old dame eagerly., ' "Cortaiiily," was the answer. "But we pannot let you,-have it just now. You see, we shall have la -take' it 'orno first." - ,-. : " Tako :■ it 'ome?" she.. asked. "Whatever do ye want'to tako, it'ome for?" ■:. "Oh," said one of the tourists, being much amused, "we must, develop it, and fix it, and so on." .> _ "Good gracious,',' she exclaimed, Vye needn't trouble, to do that! Me son. Jack. can*do .the developin'; he's. got one of them ; 'Sandow .'affairs. And as for tho fixin', .lor' bless yer innocent,hearts,. I: can. do that meself with'a' few : . tin-tacks' amTii, 'ammer." v.

• • It Sounded Well. 'Arry and his test,.girl were discussing 're-' cent events in the High Street,- Bethnal Green, one day recently.. ' •'Arry—-"Did: you • read .the; list- of presents Ann Smith had foriher weddin'?" ' . 'Arriet—"Yes, X; did. The liidea for such, as .th&n 'avin' tho. weddin' put in the paper! They might bo 'bloomin' haristoerats." : 'Arry—" Fancy her mother: giving her such a ,'anasome ■ present as a 'orse and trap I" 'Arriet—"Garn! It was a close 'orso and a mouse, trap. . I'vo seed 'em. That's--their bloomin' pride: _ . Pat was tho Gainer. It was a very hot day, and an Irishman,, who was very thirsty, had only, a ha'penny. •Ha wont into' an' inn just as- a pint of beeri had' been handed to a customer. ••.,'■ ■. Says l s at—."l'll'bet you a ha-penny to yours that I can drink that pint of beer without lettin' it go down my ! throat." -.- ' "Done,"-says .the 'customer. ' ;l , Pat picks up the glass and drains every drop.' Then he hands the coin' to the cusuoai oA.noi,;—S.?BS pan Morno} Here is the ha'penny." . >~ Cabby Was Furibus. ■/ : - A' London cabby, on looking into his cab to see that all was m perfect order, discovered a dead cat on one of the seats. In his anger' and rage he was about to throw the carcass into the street, when ho espied a polico' eon-, stable, and the following dialogue took place— 'Constable: "What are you up'to there?" \ Cabby (holdine up the cat): "This is,'ow I am insulted.■■ What am I to do with-it?" Constable: "Surely, you. know what to' do with it. Take it straight to : Scotland , Yard, and if it is not claimed within .'three inonths it becomes your property." ■■ > A Sporting Offer. : An Irishman travelling in France was challenged by a: Frenchman to fight a ■ duel, to which he readily consented, and • suggested shillalahs as. weapons. , ,' "That won't do," said the Frenchman's second. "As challenged party you havo the right to choose the arms, but chivalry demands that you should decide upon a weapon with which Frenchmen are -familiar." - ■ " \ "Is that so?" replied" the Irishman, coolly. "Very well; we'll fight with guillotines." A One-Sided Argument. : A Hereford gentleman met an eccentric old squire o{ his acquaintance riding ..with only 0110 spur. "What have you dons with tho other spur, squiro?" ho asked. ' "Why, what would ;be-the. use- of the other?" said the squire, "if ono. side of tho liorso goes, ; the other can't stand still." Had Never Died Before. ■ : The following story is told by "Farm and Home":—'.'Na, lin, I'll hao nae inair Irishmen," said a Lothian- farmer! to a Hibernian applicant for work; "tho last twa .that I had dee't on my han', and I: had to bury them at my ain expense." "Oeh, sur!,there's no fear o' mer.shuro I can get a sartiffikit from' the houlo o£ mo wasters that I never-died wid jiono o' them."- ' :v- ■ : (s--- -V ■ . ■