An Essay on-Woman.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 266, 3 November 1874, Page 7

An Essay on-Woman.

The subjoined' paper, recently read at the Arfow Debating Club, has been handed. to us (Arrow Observer) hy the author, with an earnest reqiiest that we should give it a place in these columns. We are sorry the liberty of. publishing the gentleman's name is withheld, as .we feel certain our lady friends would in proper form show their appreciation pf his talents. The reader need scarcely be informed.the author is.an old bachelor, and •—is likely to remain so, we hope : .A woman's form, when walking is naturally erectiand'graceful ; but being devout worshippers of the goddess Fashion, whose nod 'th'ey must-obey,- and she being a very jealous goddess, imposes certain distortions to be wornby them for fear they should become too beautiful. The first of these distortions is the Grecian bond, which cants the body out of the perpeudicular, and throws it forward. This, combined with the high heels of their boots, placed urider,the nliddieof the foot, throws their arms forward as they hurry through the.street, as if about to drop on allfours, or embrace the first person they meet. This accounts for the forwardness of the girls of our day. But to counterbalance this-for-ward motion, Fashion has wisely,provided I her with ballast in the iorni of a chignon, which maybe described as an enormous excrescence protruding "from the back o.f the jhead, whieh increases to an alarming extent, I the bump of self-est.em ; and making thej ['head appear as if the animal propensities] -predominated. Women are gregarious ani •mal», though'they" swlflnm herd together. ■We have only on,e instance in history where 3&ey~dijL-oc»ngr«g4^/,, '£nft T'these wve ith«]

Amazons, who oncVfliuiiiluld ultf illlHlW Oilthe banks of the river Muu«_^uttJwJdnot hold out long, tor thevjufed'-Tio Tjwim* acroas tlxe river to play riors, and forget to go back again"; and in this manner they were all captured. They maybß easily distinguished from men in havcapillary appendage on the nether jM. S*g#a hafa accSiMed tyfrthiaflf thqr i*k that*t&e constant \faggingbjf not allow the seed time to germinate. . .! . . . . Women are very dexterous when angling for a mate, and sometimes very cruel. They bait their hooks with a lavish "display of charms, either natural or artificial 1 , oi'lSth: combined. Her tongue is steeped in honoy,! the sweetest smiles play round her rosy lips. She seemsTalJYg^ijtl^ne|ft.jand T Jio / Y^ rT The Grecian be&l JgUdi a-geiitlb only stoops to conquer. When the bail, takes, and they have got the hook fairly in your gills, they begin to sport with your feelings ; sometimes hauling you up to the bank of their affections, then giving ;i yra"the-»cold'j Bhoulder and letting you slip off into the cold j stream again ; then winding you up on another tack ; without any consideration whatever for your feelings, which on the rack of expectation an<p; gallod/\and' wounded by the barbed hook that is sticking in your gills, until in desperation a man line and bolts down the stream ti%< tihjs boolj rankling Jh, life-fleshy .f\ \A . . . Women when-cafptured and \initedto men are-very~tisaful-cr-eiiture3,.souxd;imea_, ivefcy docile, and affeqt-ionate to-th?h\.keepers,;, and very fond of, their young. They are; very easily and-will assist a man in all concern* if "properly rtameji.-J do not know which is the; best-system of taming tp pursue with these creatures, but I believe the mostfdifficult.part of the business is in bridaling them properly. Coolness-arid courage }s. not a bit-of .use; Imever knew, a man to succeed who kept his wits about him. I belie vie a man must get excited into asortokdelirium and rush.at..them blindfolded, not knowing or caring what he is at nor 'thinking of "the after conseqiienc.es,. pr c he-w.ill;ne v,er. succeed. In bridaling them, an altar is used, and the bit is in the form of a ring which is.; the finger instead "of-in the mouth. Some fav/ofi them will -chafe- and ,funoe -&$ the restraint imposed, but they are not many.