JUSTICE SMILES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 244, 14 July 1874, Page 5

JUSTICE SMILES.

To the Editor of Ike Cromwell Argus. Sir,—l- is only when T feel good-tempered that I favour the Cromwell Licensing Court with a visit., and I should not have intruded my unwelcome presence on the last occasion had it not been for my friend Dich, who, after confiding to me his woes, insisted upon ray going with, him, blandly assuring me that the wisdom of Solon and Lycurgus were, comparatively speaking, little or nothing when compared with that of the Cromwell Licensing Bench. I confess I was a littie taken aback, but knowing that the energetic and painstaking officer in charge of the Cromwell station had very properly summoned two well-known Bonifaces, I managed by dint of a good deal of kicking and pushing to squeeze into the sanctum.

I confess my nerves received a great shock when Dick “ knavely” enquired, “ Are you married yet, Hill ?” I made no reply, which cut Dick so much to the heart that he shed an ocean of tears. My sympathies were touched, and assuming a paternal and dignified position, T mildly asked, “My little boy, what’s up?” “ What’s up ! Why you ought to be crucified for robbing the widow of her mite. What do you care? you’ve got plenty of sheep and a run. Don’t you think, young man—(now, sir, that was very rude)—by so acting that you’ll do yourself much good, or win much respect ! Take that,” and suiting the action to the word, he gave me a violent kick in the shin. I was afraid to cry out, or resent the, insult, lest the worthy “Beaks” should, in their combined wisdom, consign me to the tender and sodcitous care of a fierce-looking horse-dragoon. The first case I heard was an application by a widow for the license of the Mount Pisa Hotel. The applicant appeared to me a motherly sort of creature, and Dick assured me “that she was as good as she looked.” Occupying the seat of honour was one learned in the law (?), and it was to me amusing to see with what gusto the other two luminaries listened to the profound sayings of the modern Solomon. I smiled, Sir, and then laughed outright, when an unknown individual with a. slightly Hibernian accent shouted out, “Silence in the ‘ Cart.’ ” The “ Peaks” smiled, the lawyers eyed one another, and the publicans wiped their optics. The case proceeded, and after many enquiries as to the situation of the house, the accommodation, &c., all things were found satisfactory until the question of character cropped up. I pulled my belt tight, popped a sugarplum in ray month, and squatted near my friend Dick, hoping to see an expose or a scene. But to my great surprise a petition was handed in, signed by a number of residents in the immediate locality, desiring the Bench to grant the license ; and among those who signed were some of the most respected men in the district. But the sergeant, “that man who is always awake when the interest of the Crown is at stake,” had not been asked, and when called upon, replied that he knew the house to be well conducted, and to contain ample accommodation ; no complaints had ever been preferred ; the applicant had resided over three years in the district, and was a respectable person, but had formerly resided at Alexandra. “ All !” exclaimed one of the solous, “you must telegraph to that place, and in the meantime we’ll adjourn the case for two hours.” Dick then, came running up to me, and wild with joy, smacked me on the back, with “ Well, old fellow, it’s all right—it’s all right.” I thought so too, and being very thirsty, adjourned to the neighbouring pub., and liquored up. On returning to the Court, I found the enlightened Bench had decided that the house was not required. Dick looked at me, and I at him, when my youthful friend delivered himself in the following style “if those coveys knew

their work, why didn’t they state it in the first instance, and not lead us to believe that the whole thing depended on the police report from Alexandra? Why, Bill, it looks like persecuting a fellow,—especially when the same house has been licensed over eight years, and it is only now discovered that it is not wanted. Why, it’s twenty miles from any other house on the Cardrona and Albert own roads, and at the very junction of the punt road, while the next pub. is four and a half miles away and on the other side of the river ; but I know all about it. I’ll go to my sheep again, and never, no never no more enter the Cromwell Temple of Justice. ” At this stage I endeavoured to soothe my chum, but all to no purpose ; he, like Shakespeare’s Witches, “ banished into the air, and what seemed corporal melted as breath into the wind.” I am, &c., “Billy and Gooey.”