VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 237, 26 May 1874, Page 7

VARIETIES.

• ♦ — “That’s my impression,” as tho printer said when he kissed his sweetheart. Dolly Varden pants are tho latest American novelty. We should not bo astonished if many a Yankee pants after Dolly Varden. Eat bricks and sand, oh, Ethiopian man, You say the Afric poll can ; Believe you, though, I really sha’nt, Eat bricks and sand the peli-can’t I “ Knowing” People.—l find plenty of people who are willing tew tell you all they kno. if you tell them all you kno, but the misery of the trade iz, they don’t kno much. —Josh Billhujs. The sinking of a Missisippi steamboat is thus graphically described :—• “ She sot and hove, and hove and sot, And high her rudder flung, And every time she hove and sot, A wusser leak she sprung. ” A fellow in Norwich was bitten by a dog. A a soon as he recovered from his fright, he declared he would kill the animal. “ But the dog isn’t mad,” said the owner. “ Mad !” shouted the victim, exasperatingly, “what in thunder has he got to be mad about ?” He evidently misconstrued the explanation. A woman died lately, aged 105. She had her senses up to the last, and expressed a belief that she was being cut off in their bloom by bad ventilation and city air. If she had only remained in the country, where she was born and brought up, she might have lived out the remainder of her days. A sad, sad warning. Q. “1 am a lover rejected. Pray what shall I do? Shall I ‘shuffle this mortal,’ like some lovyers true?” A. “Oh, no; for such actions make waste of good blood. Just keep up your courage,—your chance is still good. Eemuster your forces, your colours unfurl, and go forth to the conquest of some other girl!” “What a nuisance!” exclaimed a gentleman at a concert, as a young fop in front kept talking in a loud voice to a lady at his side. “Did you refer to me, sir?” threatinglydemanded the fop. “Oh, no; I meant the musicians there, who keep up such a noise with their instruments that I can’t hear your conversation.”

“ Little Tommy didn’t disobey mamma, and go in swimming, did he?”—“ No mamma, Jimmy Brown and the rest of them went in ; but I remembered, and would not disobey you.”—“And Tommy never tells lies, does he?”—“No, mamma; or I couldn’t go to heaven."—“ Then how does Tommy happen to have on Jimmy Brown’s shirt ?”

There was a sadness and impenetrable gloom in a house in the city E.C. last week. A youth of eighteen summers and seventeen winters got too near the gas, and the grease on his moustache took fire. That moustache, slight and spare as it was, had cost him six months’ tender nursing and fond caressing, and there wasn’t enough of it left to make a decent-sized toothpick for a fly.

It is rather hard to have nice facts disturbed by subsequent explanations, A few days ago a man’s life was saved by the ball from a pistol accidentally discharged entering a Bible which he carried in his pocket. Everybody said, “See how the religions are rewarded !” until it was discovered that this devotee had stolen the sacred volume, and was on his way to pawn it for liquor. Kate Stanton, in her lecture on “The Loves of Great Men,” asserts that the planets revolve around the sun by the influence of love, like a child revolves about his parent. When the writer was a boy he used to revolve around his parent a good deal, and may have been incited thereto by love, but to an unprejudiced observer it looked powerfully like a trunk strap. There were green peaches on exhibition before one of our markets recently, and there was a melancholy interest in listening to the observations of people as they passed the stand. “ Our Charley went to a- better world with three of them,” said one lady'in a cracked voice. “ They made me an orphan,” observed a ragged young man, wiping his eyes. “ We’ll meet above, dear Danny,” and the young couple who said it passed tearfully by. “My old man pegged out on them things," gasped a venerable old lady from the suburbs. And thus the mournful procession glided on. —Danhury News. I went straight to the dentist’s (says the “ Danbury Newsman”). I had had teeth pulled out for me with a thread, and I was not afraid. I told the dentist the trouble. He knew all about it, and invited me to take the chair. I asked him if it would hurt to have the tooth pulled. He said it wouldn’t, and I believed him. I laid back my head, and opened my mouth, and he reached in with a murderouslooking iustrnrnent, and went to prowling around in there. I didn’t think it was so easy to have a tooth pulled, and fell to regretting that [ hadn’t come down before and oftencr, when he suddenly bore down on my jaw, and I fairly screeched with agony ; then he came right up, and I screamed again. When he went down I thought I was dead ; but when he came up 1 knew better, and was- sorry for it. He asked me if it hurt, but I didn’t say anything. I was too proud to say it did, and too mad to say it didn’t. But the next two days 1 waited round for his son, who was about my age, and if ever there was a boy who had reason to regret his father’s vocation, it was that boy. In the city of Mobile there are daily drawings of lotteries, and the negroes are the principal buyers of tickets. An honest old uncle called Jeff was opposed to the business, and had forbidden his wife buying tickets. She secretly did buy one, and after the drawing placed it in her market basket, intending to stop at the office on her way to market td‘learn her luck. The old man discovered the ticket before sheleftthchouse, and pasted it on the back of the door of their cabin. The wife went on her way, arrived at the office, and ascertained that she bad drawn a prize of fifty dollars, but was much excited at not finding the ticket. Ectnrning home, she searched in vain for the ticket, until the old man asked her what she was looking for. She told him, and that it had drawn a p>ize. He rushed to the door, and finding he could not remove the ticket without destroying it, seized the door, took it from its hinges, and placed it on his head, and “ made tracks” for the office. Arriving almost out of breath, he thrust the door at the clerk, and exclaimed, “ Dar’s de- ticket! dar’s do ticket ! Jes gib ns de money ; dat’s all we wants!” And like many other good men. white as well as tinted, his moral fone melted away before the prospective greenback.