VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 229, 31 March 1874, Page 8

VARIETIES.

How to Consume Time.—Eat dates. /JPhißt Walking about with baby in ihe night." . For what port is a man bound during courtship ?—3ound to Havre. " Advertising is to business what steam-power . is to commerce."— Macaulay. \ <;While wi'nuising a 'game of base-hall out a boy wal struck on' the back of his head, tho bawl coming out of his mouth. " You need a little sun and air," said a physician to a maiden patient seeking his advice. " If 1 do," was the curt reply, " I'll have to wait till £get a husband." " How does that look, eh?" said a big-fisted Wall-street man to another man, holding up his fistj,,. ."That,." t> sai(i .bis friend, "looks as if short on, soap.'' . Twenty-seven Nashville ladies, determined to practise economy, vowed not to wear anything more expensive than calico dresses to church ; and they stuck to it, as none of them have attended church since,

An American writer mourns over the autumnal season in the following strain :—" The melancholy days have come—the saddest of the year ; it's a little too warm for whisky hot, and a little ijoq-cold.for, beer."-- . , "See ■he'reV'jmy Mend, you're drunk." " Drunk, to be sure I am, and have been for the last three years. You see, my brother and I are on a temperance mission. He lectures while I Set a frightful example."

A devotee of Bacchus was overboard the other night thus addressing his liat, which had fallen from his head : —" If Ipjck you up, I fall; if I fall, you will not pick me up. Then I leave you," and he staggered proudly away. An Englishman,, visiting the White Mountains, complained of the excessive hillincss of the country in. all that region,- whereupon the Yankee stage-driver remarked, "Waal, yes, we hev rather too much land to the acre about here, and so we hev to stack it!"

"Anna, dear, if. 1 should attempt to spell Cupid, why could I not get beyond the Inst syllable ?" Anna gave it up, Whereupon William said, " Because when I come to C u, of course I cannot go any further.'' Anna thinks that the nicest conundrum she ever heard. "'A horse ! a horse! My kingdom for a horse !" cried a celebrated tragedian. " Would not a jackass do as,.well ?" inquired an affected young man, rising in his seat. " Yes," triumphantly exclaimed the aotor, " just stop up this way, sir." The young man subsided. Stretch of Privilege.--Daughter of the house (to a privileged old friend of the family) : Dear Mr Lupus, you don't seem to be enjoying yourself. I should bo like to have you waltz with me this once."—Privileged old friend: "My dear child, \ don't dance ; but if it suits you, I wouldn't mind sitting here with my arm round your waist, while the others are making themselves dizzy."

An Aberdeen miuisti r, cateclrs'ug his young parishioners beforo the congregation, put the usual question t.o a stout gir', whose father kept a public house—"What is your name?" JSo reply. The question hiving been repeated, the girl replied, " 2S r ane; o'your fun, Mr Minister; ye ken my name well enough. D'ye no say, when ye come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring me some ale ?' "

A Yale student, who is evidently in the journalistic department, writes a.-.twelve-verse poem, which is entitled, "We kissed each other by the sea." -"-Wellj what of it ?" asks a Western journalist; '"the seaside is no better for such practices than any other locality. In fact, we have put in some very sweet work of that kind on the tow-path of a canal in our time, but did not say anything about it in print.'•'

The locust can be heard the sixteenth of a mile. Au ordinary; man will* outweigh 15,000 of them. Were his. voice -proportional to hi 3 weight, in the ratio of the locust's, lie could be heard over 1000 miles. A flea weighs less than a grain, and leaps a yard and a half. Weie a man 1501b weight possessed of equivalent agility, he could spring from the dome of the Capitol to China, and almost go round.- the world in a couple of jumps. Ode to the Suspension Bridge over Niagara Falls, written in the"; visitors' book : " Enonnus structur .!_• Whar did the constructors stand As built this'ere? oay, gentle mews. ' Alas; my mews says nuffink ! lmadginasbuns floord. » * » »

* * I hev it now ! They did it in balloons." Those who go round with the contribution-box in California churches plead and argue the case as they go along. One of these gentlemen lately extended the box to a rough-looking miller, who slowly shook- his head. ,- Cotue. William, give something," said the. deacon. "Can't do it, deak," said Bill. " Why not ? Isn't the cause a good one ?" " Yes, good euuff ; but I ain't able to give nothiu'." " Pooh, pooh ! 1 know better. You must give me a better reason than that." "Well, I owe too much money." "Well, but William, you owe Cod a much larger debt than anyone else." " That's true, but he ain't a pushin' me like the rest of my creditors." An anecdote is told of Parson Shute, the first minister settled at-South Hingham, which for ready wit ought not to pass unrecorded. It appears that the rev. gentleman was very fond of punVing, ro at a ministerial meeting one day the hostess, in order to gratify the taste of her guest, had pudding for dinner. Unfortunately it came very near the fire while it was cooking, so that when it was served it was extremely hot. The parson, without allowing it" time'to cool, placed apiece at once in his mouth, and then followed the usual contortions incident to such an occasion, but all to no purpose. The pudding would not go. so (he pardon, who -was a polite gentleman, quietlv slipped it out of his mouth, and into his coat pocket, nil of which was observed by his brother ministers, who, for the purpose of a joke, said, "So you are putting the pudding into your pocket, arc you ?" " Oh, ves," said the parson, all unmoved ; "I put a little piece in there, merely to light- my pipe with after dinner,." The explanation, it is nsedlcss to aid, was sufficient.