VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 228, 24 March 1874, Page 3

VARIETIES.

iuvi <Jfi m ?P? alc j n a id - <lto»R-w:inded orator, "for the benefit of posterity.',' . "Yes," said one of his hearers, " and : jf you keep on much longer your audience will be.here." , A.'ropotter>Bays:--',' For ! thirty'' seconds it rained buffaloes, and the white sand at the foot of that bluff was incarnadine with the life-blood of wild iineat, and*not until the tails' of from ,fi|ty tp,seve,nty-five of the herd had Waved adieu to this wicked world did the movement cease." Mrs Perkius,, who hai jusj; finished a new. house, has been so much annoyed recently by lightning-rod meu and insurance agents that, as a protection, she put out a sign statingthat four of .the family Were ill with the small-pox, but that [Strangers would becordially received. A blind beggar was seen to, pause in front of the house for an Instant, the other day, to read the B)gii, ; and then! he quietly sought an adjoining .atyeet.- ~ • , ;• , ~., f., . / ..,<T A charming young widow, Mrs Palmer, a while ago opened "a photograph gallery in Kacine,Wisconsin The Oonsequeuce was a perfect passion pn the part of the gentlemen of Racine to be photographed. This might do for the single sitters and the widowers ; but when the: married men began to have their pictures taken, the matrons, of Eacine went for that gallery, demolished the camera, and generally put a negative in the most positive way upon the business. ■ ' .■:• : ::' Some one says, ■■ " Insects generally must lead a truly jovial life. Think what it must be to lodge in a lily. Imagine a palace of ivory or pearl, with pillars of silver and capitals of gold, all exhaling such, a perfume as never rose from human censer. Fancy, again, the fun of tucking yourself up for the night in the folds of a rose, rocked to steep by,;the gentle sighs..of tho summer's air; and nothing to do .when you awake, but to wash yourself in a dewdrop, and fall to to eat your bedclothes. •'> ■ :"■ There is a storv told.'of a French gentleman who, having lost the bulk of his property through the rascalities of friends in whom he trusted, crowned it all by the loss of his mental balance, an<| for the remainder of,his,days found his only delight in riding in omnibuses and passing from passengers'to the conductor, taking care when the.change was returned to add to it a sou or two from his own pocket, and watch the effect from the receiver. In nine cases out of ten, as the story goes, the passenger,' counting over his change, and finding, as he supposed, that the conductor had cheated himself, would look bewildered for a moment, and then pocket the change with a quiet chuckle. The special delight of the lunatic was satisfying himself in this way that nine-tenths of his fellow-men were dishonest, if they only had the opportunity. Mahk Twain on Scotland.—On Saturday night the St. Andrew's Society, of London held a festivalat the Salutation Tavern, Newgate-street, when upwards of 100 gentlemen sat down to dinner under the presidency of Mr Tom Hood. One of the guests of the evening was Mr Clemens, better known under the nam de jilunie of Mark Twain. The Chairman gave the toast of the evening in appropriate terms, and Mark Twain, in the course of his reply to the toast of " The Guests." said : 1 feel singularly at home in this Scottish society. I have spent so much time in Scotland that everything connected with Scotland is familiar to me. Last summer I passed five weeks in that magnificent city Edinburgh, resting. I needed rest, and I did rest. I did not know anybody. I did not take any letters of introduction at all. I simply rested and enjoyed myself. From my experience of the Scotch, everything belonging to them is familiar, the language, the peculiarities of expression, even the technical things that are national, are simple househould words with.me. I remember when in Edinburgh I was nearly always taken for a Scotchman. Oh yes! (Laughter.) I had my clothes some part coloured tartan, and I rather enjoyed being taken for a Scotchman. I stuck a big feather in my cap, too, and the people would follow me for miles. They thought I was a Highlander, and some of the best judges in Scotland said they had never seen a Highland costume like mine. What's more, one of those judges fined me for_ wearing it— out of mere envy, 18ii ppose. (Laughter.) But any man may have a noble good time in Scotland if they only think he's a native. (Laughter.) For breakfast'you may have oatmeal poultice—l beg pardon, I mean porridge. (Laughter.) Then for dinner you may have tine Scotch game—the . blackcock, the spatchcock, the woodcock, the moorcock. I have simply to return you my acknowledgements, and to apologise for not being able to make a speech, but give me fair play, and certainly I can make a speech that will astonish anybody, and nobody more than myself. (Laughter.) My present position is a national one, if 1 may be regarded as representing the United States of America, On that side of the Atlantic there are 40 millions of people. They may be respectable, and I will say in conclusion, that I do hope " a brother American" will soon cease to be simply a phrase meaning nothing, but will bye and bye become a reality when the people of Great Britain and the citizens of America will bo brethren indeed. (Cheers.)