VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume V, Issue 222, 10 February 1874, Page 7

VARIETIES.

A drunken Frenchman chatters ; a drunken German sings ; a drunken Briton lights ; a drunken Spaniard swears ; a drunken American talks politics. " Pat, how old are you ?"—" Thirty-five next Michaelmas, if you count by years ; but if you wor to reckon my age be all the coortin' divarsions and divilment I've had me share av, you might safely set me down as seventy-five." A Domestic Man.—lrascible Old Party—"Guard, why didn't you wake me, as I asked you? Here I am ndles beyond my station." Guard—" I did try, sir, but all I could ge tyou to say was, ' All right, Maria, get the children their breakfast, and I'll be uown in a minute.'"— Fan. A widow in New Yo k lias been three times married. Her first husband was liobb, the second iiobbins, and the third Robhinsuii. The same door-;date has served for the whole three, and the question now is, extended name can be procured to fill out the remainder of the space on it. It is told in a few words. Or Gmwel, of Oskaloosa, Indiana, possessed a ham ; also a a small hoy, Joshua ; also a box of marches lying on the table in his office. From the fact that Joshua took the marches to the barn, l)r Gruwel, of Oskaloosa, Indiana, has neither a barn, a match, nor a Joshua, According to a California paper a yomirr lady of that State, in telling a gentleman about her Yoseniite trip, said the scenerv was <jo™e'>us, but she didn't like their style of locomotion down there. " How's that," Said her friend; "how did yon locomote?" "Why don't you think," she replied, " I had to ride a la clothes-pin." The subject of impressions at first being tajked over in a family eire'e, when the mother of the family said. "I always form an idea of a person on first sight, and generally find it correct." " Mamma," said her youthful son. "Well, my dear, wh t is it?" "I want to know what your opinion of me was when you first saw me." The lady who tapped her husband gently with a fan at a party the other night, nnd said, " Love, it is growing late ; I think we had better go home," is the same one who, after getting home, shook the rolling-pin under his nose and said, " Yon infernal old scoundrel, you ; if you ever look again at that mean, nasty, calico f iced, mackerel-eyed thing that you looked at to-night, L' I bust your head wide open." A crowd of quarrelsome people were dispersed from the front of a Muason-streefc residence in a very singular and sudden manner on Saturday night. A stranger visiting the family slipped into the crowd unperceived, and extending an inverted hat, announced that he would take up a collection Two minutes later he there alone, with not a single member of that turbulent mass to be seen in anv direction. The North Otago, Times expects peoph3 to be- | licve the following : —"We are credibly informed | that a fashionably-dressed lady, whilst walking j past a building in course of erection in PrincesI street, Duncdin, a few days ago, received on her ! head a hodful of bricks. She merely cast aloft one withering glance, muttered ' Awkward fellow.'adjusted her towering cranial upholstery, and sailed grandly away, as if nothing had happened." The poet who wrote this knows how to place things where they will do the most good : " Aye, tenderly close his eyelids In the sleep of tyrant Heath, Composing his cold lips sadly With tears and bated breath ; The clods may above him harden With the tu-f or the chiliina snow, Oil, bury your dog in the garden, He'li make the cabbage grow."

Rome years ago n dissenting minister was addressing a Sabbath school. Interspersing his rennrb with questions on the life and exploits '■f Samson, lie asked among otliers the following : —" With wh.it remarkable weapon did Samson at one time slay a number of Philistines ?" For a while there was no answer ; and the minister, to assist the children a little, commerce 1 tapping his jaw with the tip of his linger, •ui'l at the same time saving, "What's this? What's this ?" Qui. kas thought, a little fellow, quite innocent of mischievous intentions, replied " The jaw hone of an ass, Sir !" A loud titter ran through the school, in which the minister was compelled to join ; and he many times afterwards related the incident with thorough appreciation of iis fun ; though it made him careful in assisting "young ideas" for the future.