VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume IV, Issue 176, 25 March 1873, Page 6

VARIETIES.

Tlio Western wits now call bigamy Uta7ilh\ t the female sex. A newly-made husband says it isn’t, half t hard to get married as to get the furniture, good many more have said the same thing. A young gentleman of twenty-live recent! married a lady of forty-two in Minnesota, an now sues for a divorce because she “ chastises him. A Western man at a prayer-meeting said ratht enviously, “ Brother Lawson can sing butts than I can, but by the grace of heaven 1 fiddle his shirt oil. ” An American paper bags an item briefly thyj “Mrs John Baggs, of Omaha, has left Jj John Baggs. taking the money-bags, and leavic John to hold the little empty Baggs.” ' That Irishman had a correct appreciation o the business, who, being asked by the jndr when lie applied for a license to sell whisky ] ho was of a good moral character, replied “Faitl yer honor, 1 don’t see the necessity of a goo. moral character to sell whisky.” Charles Lamb, one afternoon, in rcturnic ; from a dinner party, took his seat in a crowd® omnibus. Subsequently a stout gentleman look® in, and politely asked, “ All full inside ?”■—“] don’t know how it may be, sir, with the othe 1 passengers,” answered Lamb, “but that las| piece of pie did the business for me.” THE FINDING OF MOSES,—IRISH VERSION, On Egypt’s banks, contagious to the Kile, K;ng I’haroah’s daughter went to hatha in etyh And as she trod the sand to dry her skin, She stumbled on the cot the babe was in. Then she exclaimed, in accents strange and wild “Och, murther, girls, which of yees owns tie child ?” There are various ways of ascertaining whetV a gun is loaded, but blowing in at the mud' and pressing the hammer back with the foot; the same time is nt a good way. A young in one of the “cow counties” adopted this" pL a few days ago, and though the coroner con. eluded the g m was loaded, the information waj of no use to the young man. A little boy was asked by his teacher to write a composition on the subject of water, and the following is the production “ Water is f o drink, to swim in, and to skate on wlia frozen. When i. was a little baby the nurse used to bathe me every morning in water. I have been told that the Injuns don’t wash the®, selves but once in ten years. I wish I was an Injun.” At a party where questions were asked, and facetious if not felicitous answers were expected a coal-dealer asked what legal authority was the f ivourile with his trade, tone answered “Coke." “ Bight,” said the coal-dealer. Another sin. gested “ Blackstone. ” “Good, too,” said tire questioner. Then a little hard-faced man in the corner piped out “ Littleton,” whereupon the coal-dealer sat down without saying anything, A good wife is one who puts her husband in at the side of the wall, and tucks him up to keep him warm in the winter—splits the wonj —-makes the lire in the morning—washes her husband’s face, and draws on his boots for him ■never scolds—never suffers a rent to remain m her husband’s ! ! ! ! ! —keeps her shoes up at fie bed, and her stockings darned—never wonders what her husband sees interesting in the y mng woman across the way—never slams the d >or loud when her husband is speaking—and a 1 ways reproves the children when they"eat up their father’s supper. The Bare Idea.—An American newspaper correspondent, describing Miss Vinnie Beam inker studio, speaks of her as, “ With arms bare to the shoulders, and he- ankles likewise.” There is only one recommendation attaching to a toilet where the ankles are bare to the shoulders, ami that is, that it canu-1 involve heavy milliners’ and dressmakers’ bills. At the same time, and with a knowledge of wh t the present fashion ironically calls “ furl ’ dress, we should be indued to think that a Ream ought to have at east four hundred and eighty sheets, and mifiit g-acefully dispose of me between the shoulders a ;d the a ikies in qru stion. Instruction of the Sable Idea.—We take the foil-»wing amusing paragraph from the Digued Gazet/e. .'ape Colony:—“ Two ami s ing incident iu tire march of civilisation took place’ here last week. Iu the first instance. Sambo was told te oiion a bottle of champagne ; he duly untwisted the wire, and cut the string, when ho was horrified at observing the c >rk gradually rising, as he thought, of its own aac-red. He he'd on, however, gazing fixedly with Ins nose just over the m - siery, till the cork with a bang flew no and smote him full on that organ. With a veil he dropped the bottle and fled, and refused fora 1 ng time to he persuaded there was nothin: “uncanny” in it. In ihe second instance, a Kaliir observing a diny speck inside the glass M a moderator lain;), winch had been burning same hours, thought the simplest way of removing it would be by thrusting his finger down the chimney ! The result may he imagined.

A tale of incredible horror comes to ns from Illinois, ft is well for the journalistic mind tint in is not often coiled upon to describe {in event of such inky and unmitigated gloom. The time was August, the skies were fair, when, seated in a railway car, a bright, blooming, bashful and beautiful young bridal pair went fort li from Peoria on the first stage of a jonrncv which ends, it may be. in the grave. —or haply in Chic up The lui band of an hour was all pride and tenderness ; the bride all bonnet, and blushes. As the slow train moved from the station, the fan young being incautiously put her head out of tie window, jrreliance to scent the morning breeze, perchance like Ha inlet's father’.- - - ghost fo wave a. last, farewell to the weeping friends of her girl-] hood. Too, t>o fatal moment ! A tolegraph; pole did not decapitate her: —no, ah no ! '■ hat] wore joy compared to Hastily bringing W lien, d within the car, she buried her agonised facej in her bands. The terri ii-d bridegroom is sad to have instantly expressed himself, with great presence of mind, in this touching and mentoraide language ; “ What was it, darling? frightened it. dear? " ell its own hubby! T hat makes it, cty?' 1 What in Iced, Oh vicious Fate! ■''die had dropped a lovely and expensive sat f | teeth out of the window. .She never smi' 6 * again *-«atil he had eeen ardent ieC