"Hez” and the Landlord.

Cromwell Argus, Volume III, Issue 125, 2 April 1872, Page 7

"Hez” and the Landlord.

(jitthi World of Wit and Jlummr.) la a qiudt little Ohio village, many years ago, was a tavern where the stage changed, and the passengers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said hotel was noted for his tricks upon travellers, who were allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver would blow his horn (after taking his “horn”) and sing out, “Stage ready, gentlemen !” whereupon the passengers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving a scarcely tasted breakfast behind them, for which, however, they had to fork over fifty cents ! One day, when the stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord, a passenger said that he had often heard of the landlord’s tricks, and he was afraid they would not bo able to eat any breakfast. ‘ 1 What! —how? No breakfast!” exclaimed the rest. ‘ ‘ Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats and tin.” “Don’t they expect passengers to breakfast ?” “Oh, yes, they expect you to it, but not to eat it. lam under the impression that there is an understanding between the landlord and the driver, that for sundry fees and drinks, Ac., the latter starts before you can | scarcely commence eating.” “What on airth are you talking about? Ef you calkelate I’m going to pay four-and-1 ninepence for my breakfast, and not get the \ value on’t, you’re mistaken,” said a voice | from a back seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah Spaulding—though “tew hum” they call him “Hez” for short. “I’m going to get my breakfast here, and not pay nary red cent till I do.” “ Then you’ll be left.” “ Not as you know’s on, I won’t.” “Well, we’ll see,” said the other, as the stage drove up to the door, and the landlord, ready “ to do the hospitable,” says : “Breakfast just ready, gents! Take a : wash, gents ! Here’s water, basins, towels, I and soap.” After performing the ablutions, they all proceeded to the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon the edibles ; though Hez took his time. Scarcely had they tasted , their coffee when they heard the unwelcome sound of the horn, and the driver exclaim—- “ Stage ready !” Up rise eight grumbling passengers, pay their fifty cents, and take ; their seats. “ All on board, gents ?” inquired the host. “ One missing,” said they. Proceeding to the dining-room, the host finds Hez very coolly helping himself ft) an immense piece of steak, the size of a horse’s hip. “You'll be left, sir! Stage going to start !” “ Well, I hain’t got nothin’ to say agin it,” drawled Hez. “ Can’t wait, sir—better take your seat.” I “ I’ll be gall-darned if 1 dew, nothcr, till ' I I’ve got my breakfast! I paid for it, and I’m L I goin’ to got the value on’t, and if you calI kelatc I hain’t, you arc mistaken.” > I So the stage did start, and left Hez, who f j continued his attack on the edibles. Bis--5 cults, coffee, Ac., disappeared before the eyes of the astonished landlord, i “ Say, squire, them there cakes is’bout cat . —fetch on another grist on ’em. You (to 3 the waiter), another cup of that ere coffee. \ Pass them eggs, liaise your own pork, I I squire ? This is ’mazing nice ham. Lind ; ’bout here tolerable cheap, squire I Hain't s much maple timber in these parts, hov ye ! Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkelate ?” • | And thus Hez kept quizzing the landlord a | until he made a hearty meal. “Say, squire, now I’m ’bout to conclude 0 I paying my devowers tew this ere table, but r jest give us a bowl of bread and milk to to} t oil' with. I’d lie much ableeged tow ye.” 1 So out go the landlord and waiter for the .1 bowl, milk, and broad, and set them bo fori ■- him. o “ Spoon, tow, if you please.” x| But no spoon could bo found. Landlon L- was sure he had plenty of silver ones lying e on the table when the stage stopped. il j “ Say so, dew ye I Dew ye think them pasi- sengers is goin’ to pay ye for a breakfuss am i- get no compensashun ?” ). “Do you think any of the passengers tool ;r them ?” n “ Dow 1 think ? Nr-, 1 don’t think, bul e I’m sartiu. Ef they are all as green as yev i- ’bout here, I’m goin’to locate immediatcb ig | and tow wonst.” n j The landlord rushes out to the stable, am :- [ starts a man after the stage, which had gom ;c [ about three miles. The man overtakes tin n 1 stage, and says something to the driver in ; all low tone. He immediately turns back, ant i, |on arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, take a , his scat, ami said—r- “How are you, gents? I’m rotted glad t of I see yew.” ic j “Can you point out the man you tain D has the spoons ?” asked the landlord, a- “ Pint him out! Sartinly T ken. Sa\ ie squire, I. paid ye four and ninepence for re breakfuss, and 1 calkelate I got the vain at on’t ? You’ll find them spoons in the collet sir pot.” ch “Go ahead ! All aboard, driver.” of The landlord stared, cd