VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume II, Issue 103, 31 October 1871, Page 2

VARIETIES.

—o — Why is milk like the treadmill ?—Because i*i strengthens the calves. " Publicans' profits," says the London Times, " represent mis-spent money.'' " Deal gently with the erring," as Materfamilias said when she saw young Jonas devouringa Yarmouth bloater. Why is a baby like-a sheaf of wheat ?—Because it is first cradled, and then thrashed, and fin illy becomes the flower of the f.imily. A beer-seller wrote over his door " Bear sold here." An old toper, who saw it, said it was spelt right enough because, the fluid was his own "bruin." ... A man died at St. Louis recently, and in his will, after stating that he " never forgot a favor," left 1030 dollars to an individual who, ten years before, ran away with his wife. Stephen Pearl Andrews, the New ..York Pantarch, in his obituary of his wife, called her " one of the veiled, obscured, hidden, great female men of the earth." Boaiuler. —" This tea seems very weak, Jfrs Skimp." Landlady—" Well, I guess it must be the warm weather. 1 feel weak myself ;in fact every body complains." To Prevent Tumblers from Breaking with Hot Water.—Put a spoon in glass jars or tumblers, and you may then pour boiling water into them without breaking. Setting them on a wet towel folded several times will answer the same purpose.

Happy Bridegroom : " More money, madam, more money! Have you forgotten that my money has bought everything you possess—tho very dress you stand in?"— Fair Bride: "No, sir ! Nor have I forgotten that your money has bought what stands in it .'" The Life of a Razor.—A clergyman was hesitating about the acceptance of a small preferment : it was just too little to enable him to live. '• Pooh, pooh !" said (Sydney) Smith, "think of me; I have always led the life of a razor, —in hot water or in a scrape." A bright and beautiful thing is Hope. It will come to us 'mid the darkness, and sing the sweetest song when our spirits arc saddest; and when the lone soul is weary and longs to pass away, it warbles its sunniest note, and tightens again the slender fibres of our hearts that grief has been tearing away. A Bailiff had an execution against the body of a certain J. P residing in an Irish county, and whom it was considered as difficult to serve with a " blue fly," alias a writ, or to obtain entrance into his domicile, as it would be to gain admittance into the harem of a sultan. Pat, however, was not to be outdone, and he considered for a while whether the law would take any "holt" on him if he took one of his honor's cows. He resolved at last to take tho cow, tini in the middle of the day he walked interne domain and drove away the fattest one be c mid find. He had not gone far when two " peelers" met him, and, suspecting the cow to be stolen, made prisoner of the bailiff and brought him before his worship. An introduction to his justiceship was all the limb of tho law required, and when the magistrate had made out his commitment to the county gaol for com - dealing, Pat, pulling out of his coat-pocket a warrant, said, with a langh, " Faith, an' if I go to gaol, yer will have to come wid me." Ho then called upon the policeman to aid in tho arrest, and the bailiff Accompanied the J. P. to tho county prison.