VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume II, Issue 99, 3 October 1871, Page 7

VARIETIES.

—n — Some one says poetically that woman is the melody of the human duet. Why ia a woman’s tongue like a planet ? Because nothing short of the power that made it can stop it in its course.

Beauty is a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts au end to. What nation is at present the most war-like ? Vicciuatiou—it is all up in arms. What order of merit would the Queen remind you of if she were in a bad temper ? Victoria Cross.

Pain Annihilator.—The greatest “pain”.armihilator in existence is said to be a boy, who has smashed 1000 windows this year. There is no medicine like a good joke—it is a silvcr-coatod pill that frolics and physics on the run.

A New York writer don’t like the present stylo ot chignons—“ they interfere with the preempted rights of a fellow’s arms.” A sentimental gentleman intends to petition to Congress to improve the channel of affection, so that henceforth the “course of love may run smooth.”

lii Elmira, the other day a young lady was discovered who had helped her mother at the housework. Within two weeks she had several desirable offers of marriage, one of which she accepted. Elmira mothers arc getting more help from their girls than they ever dreamed of before.

A western legislator is reported to have got off the following:—“I know wimun, Mr Speaker; 1 say it in no disrespect; I know uni; I have a heap to do with rnn. They’re a useful class, and yet with the best of ’em you may have trouble.” The old maid who fainted away on hearing there was a “Bath chap” in the house, has since gone raving mad upon being asked by a gentleman at supper “whether she would put her lips to a cobbler.” An Irishman who had blistered his fingers by endeavouring to pull on a pair of boots exclaimed : “I believe I shall never got them on until I Wear them a day or two.” A gentleman, on taking a volume of Gibbon to bound, was asked if he would have it bound in Russia.—“Oh no,” ho replied, “Russia is too far off. 1 will have it done here I”

“Mother,” said Ike Partington, “did you know that the iron horse has but one ear?” “ One ear ! merciful gracious, child, what do you mean 5” —“ Why the engin-eer of course.” Philosophers say that shutting the eyes makes the sense of hearing more acute. A wag suggests that this accounts for the many that are seen closed at church every Sunday. A young fop, dining at a fashionable hotel, was requested by a gentleman to pass some article of food that was near him. “Do you mistake me for a waiter?” said the exquisite. —“ A’o, sir, I mistook yon for a gentleman,” was

the reply. Captain Jinks : “ Who is the benevolent look; ing gentleman jnst coming in?’’—Mrs Malapert : Mrs Witherington Wildcu, the famous advocate for Woman’s Rights.”—Ca.pt. Jinks : “ Ha, ha ! very good ; but I mean the little man with the velvet collar.”—Mrs Malapert : “ Oh, I beg your pardon. That’s her husband ; he’s a most ladylike person, and considered rather pretty !” A private in the army recently sent a letter to his sweetheart, in which he finished up with “ May heaven cherish and keep you from yours trulv, John Smith.”

A country paper says that during a rural trial in Court, a young lad, who was called as a. witness, was asked if ho knew the obligation of an oath, and whore he would go if he told a lie. He said ho supposed ha would go where all the lawyers went to.

Mrs Moore, says an American paper, is of the stuff heroes are made of. At Nashville, when her son fell down a well twenty-four feet deep, she neither fainted nor screamed, hut instantly swung herself down, “hand-over-hand,” caught the child with her feet, drew herself and son up again, and then, woman-)ike, thrashed the hoy

for falling in. The ladies of San Francisco have been long working steadily for Female Suffrage, but, as usual, not without meeting abundance of serious opposition. A Californian paper now expends its wrath on a terrible innovation, worse than that of women at Hie ballot-box.-it is known as the Freemasons' Lodge. The Irish lady of the Bt. IT eger family who in the last century managed | to acquire the secret of her father's friends, and j was afterwards admitted into the Order, has been, 1 it seems, left far behind by the go-ahead dame 3 of the Far West. It is, we are told, “a re nark now often heard from the lips of women, ‘ 1 am a Mason. lam going to my lodge to night, I have taken so many degrees.’” The disgusted complainant asks, flow is it possible for women i to undergo the ordeal of initiation, in which, as !he or she informs us, are included the ccre- ! monies of riding on a goat, and being put on a 1 gridiron ami into a coffin! The indignation of ; the writer is directed against the insult done to ; Freemasonry by admitting women to its sacred | mysteries. If the mysteries were such as she imagines, it is the women who are insulted by being invited to share them. But how extraordinary it is that people should assume there i;i I something ridiculous or impropo’- in any atncmbly ! to which thev are not al nit Led 1