VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume II, Issue 98, 26 September 1871, Page 7

VARIETIES.

— o— is the greatest wag in the world ? Death—he takes everybody off. Paradox'cal. —lt is an extraordinary fact that when people come to what is called high words, they generally use low language. How long will the Tichborno Case Last?—l have heard of a sailor who was in the pit of the Adolnhi Theatre, and who, reading in the playbill “ An interval of thirty-five years between the second and third acts,” rose, as the dropscene fell at the end of the former, and gravely remarking, “Very few here present will Jive to ece the finish,” retired from the house. How long the Tichborne case will last, nobody can say, but the Judge has hinted at “ months,” and the counsel at “years”; and Mr Hawkins has protested against the trial being again interrupted for the Derby Day in 1872. We have precedent for long judicial investigations. Warren Hastings was arraigned on February 13, 1783, and was acquitted on April 23, 1795. In the way of epigram, I do not know that anything has yet been said more neatly than by a country gentleman, a witness, who quietly remarked that even in families there were strong differences of opinion on the subject of this trial. “My wife is si sure that the claimant is an impostor, and I am so sure that ha is not, that we find it more convenient to talk about the weather.” A comedy writer could not have presented the point more happily.— Shirley Brooks. A Difficult Question Answered.—Can any of our readers tell why, when Eve was manufactured from one of Adam’s ribs, a hired girl was not made at the same time, to wait upon her ? We can, easily. Because Adam never came whining to Eve with a ragged stocking to be darned, a shirt-button to be sewn on, or a glove to be mended, right away, quick now ! Because

ho never read the newspaper until the sun got down behind the palm-trees, and then stretched himself, yawning out, “ ain’t supper most ready, ! my dear?” Not he. He made the fire, and hung over the tea-kettle, we’ll venture, and pulled the radishes, and peeled the bananas, and j did everything else that he ought to. He milked i the cows, and fed the chickens, and looked after | the pigs himself. lie never brought home half--1 a-dozen friends to dinner, when Eve hadn’t any | fresh pomegranates, and when the mango season was over ! Ho never stayed out till eleven Io clock at a “ward-meeting,” hurraying for the out-a&fUjU'Jfcandidate, and thenscoldel because poor dear Eve was sitting up and crying inside of the gates. To be sure, ho acted rather cowardly about the apple-gathering, but then that don’t deprecate his general helpfulness about the garden. Ho never played billiards and drove y fast horses, nor choked Eve with cigar smoke. | He never loafed around corner groceries while | solitary Eve rocked little Cain’s cradle at home. I In short, he didn't think she was especially created for the purpose of waiting on him, and I hasn't under the impression that it disgraced a man to lighten his wife’s cares a little. That’s the reason why Eve Aid not need a hired girl, wd ws wish it was the reseon *ha f none of her fair 'l:soond»a*3 did.