VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume II, Issue 97, 19 September 1871, Page 7

VARIETIES.

The easiest and hast way to expand the chest is to have a good, large heart in it. It saves the cost of gymnastics. frx selling a Newfoundland dog, do you know whether it is valued according to what it will fetch or what it will bring ''

Artemus Ward thought that it was a hard thing not to have a wife—no gentle heart to get up ia the morning aud kindle the tire.

The Lima and Oroyo (Peru) Railroad, now being built by Harry Meiggs, crosses the summit, of the Andes at an elevation of feet.

An applicant for the “ professorship” in an Ohio school writes to the “ school-boarcetl” an 1 sums up his qualifications by saying that he h:..s “touht 2 terms school &, i attended college -1 yrs at detroit raichigan, aud am 2d yrs avage.

Said a fashionable ladv, whose husband had stolen up and given her a hearty and loving kiss, —“ Sir, 1 consider such actions out of place and undignified.”—“ Excuse me,” said the gentleman, “ I didn’t know it was you.”

A school committee in a frontier district of the States are reported to have summed up their opinion on an examination which they attended hv making this address : “ You've spelled well, and vou’ve ciphered good, but you hadn't sot still.”

Down among the P.assainaquoddy Indians, in Maine, when a man gets drunk, they strip him, bind him hand and foot, Lay him prone upon the ground, and suffer him to he the prey of black flies and mosquitoes until he promises to reform.

A late Atlantic paper says : A kn.lv in this city tied tier hubby's hands and feet the other day, just for fun, and then went through his pockets for a certain billet-bonx and found it. His physician tells him that his face won't be badly scarred, though he may remain pormanontly bald.

At a recent meeting of a parish, a straightlaced and most exempla.iy curate submitted a report of the destitute widows and others who stood in need of assistance of the parish. “A re you sure, reverend sir,” asked another solemn brother, “ that you have embraced all the widows ? ” He said he believed he had.

The following is told of a young gentleman who graduated from Harvard. On the examination in physics ho was asked, “Mr ,

what planets were known to the ancients V” “ Well, sir,” ho responded, “ there were Venus and Jupiter, and''—after a pause Earth, but I’m not quite certain.”

There is one advantage in being fat. A few nights ago a bulky lady in Bridgeport, Connecticut, alarmed bv the approach of burglars, leaped out o‘" hod with such force that she shoo!: the house from garret to cellar, awakening a male lodger who slept on the lower floor, and frightening away the burglars before they had time to secure anything.

The Hon. Mike Walsh, of New York, who use I to travel frequently with only a paper collar for “change of linen,” once arrived at Jersey city from Washington, and after going on hoard the ferry-boat, some one enquired of him. “ Is your luggage aboard?”—“ Yes.”—“ Where is it.”—“Well, here I stand—in the centre of it!" —which was a true statement of facts.

Some one tells a storv of a Yankee divine, of advanced age. who married a young and handsome damsel for his second wife. When the tdd.jrs of the clmroh went to inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as a parson's wife, he answered frankly that ha didn’t think she was, “ But.” added the irrepressible doctor, “ although I don’t pretend she is a saint, she is a, pretty little sinner, and I love her.” The twain became one flesh.

Josh Billings remarks that saying, “ Man wants hat little here below, nor wants that little long,” is a libel; man wants everything be can see or hear ov, and never is willing to let go his grab. Whenever vou find a man who >s thoroughly satisfied with what, he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who has tried hard to get some more and couldn’t do it. The older a man g-ows the more wnntful he becomes ; a i his hoid on life slackens, hi*: pinch on a dollar grows grippy. To (duuij Warts —Warts are very troublesome and disfiguring ■ The following ia a perfect cute, even of the largest, without leaving any scar. It is a Frenchman’s preset iptinn, and has been tested by the writer : -Take, a small piece of raw beef, stoop i*; rt.'l night in vinegar, cut a S much front it as w 1 cover the, wart, an 1 tin it on it ; or, if the excrescence is on the •orohead, fasten it on with strips of sticking plaster, it may be removed in the day, and pitt on every night Td one fortnight the wart --vgl d.-< and , pool rdf. It •■' ill idr 1 r.u;» co.'u-.