The Darwinian Theory

Cromwell Argus, Volume 2, Issue 89, 25 July 1871, Page 6

The Darwinian Theory

—o— THE MONKEYS HOLD AN INDIGNATION MEETING.

(From the Ginc'matti Times.)

Darwin's theory concerning the descent of man is creating a tremendous sensation among the monkeys. Tliev have lust heard of it, and are .terribly excited. They repudiate the whole theory. Tint man descended from them they consider a slur on the entire monkey race. A cage of John Robinson's monkeys held an indignation meeting over the matter the other day, after the performance. A venerable chimpanzee, whose grav hair entitled him to the distinction, was made chairman, and sitting in a swing, pi-esided with the utmost dignity. He got a little excited in his speech as he took the chair, but this was pardonable under the circumstances.

"What," exclaimed this venerable baboon, " Man descended from us! I repudiate the idea with scorn. True, we have our faults. We are accused of cutting up monkey shines sometimes, and not without cause, but this attempt to make us father of the human race is altogether too mush. Is it not enough that poverty requires us to travel round the country in this manner to make a livelihood; to exhibit ourselves to gaping men, women, and children at so much ahead (when twothirds of them haven't any head at all to speak of), without having it flung in outfaces that we originated the pack of fools styled men ?" His remarks were received with everv expression of delight possible to the monkev. Some stood on their pyramidal heads, others hung by their tails, while others threw flipflaps from one end of the cage to the other. A monkey who had travelled mush, and i seen a great deal, and had probably used the ; cat's paw to pull more chesnuts out of the I fire than any other monkey of his age, next ! addressed his fellow monkeys :

" Look at the follies men perpetrate every clav. Did yon ever know a monkey to make such a fool of himself as they do ? Did you ever know a monkey to buy a ticket to a menagerie and go staring round and making remarks about better people than himself? Did a monkey ever get drunk, or talk about his neighbours, or wear a plug hat (unless it was fastened on his head by a detestable ring-master), or sue for a divorce, or lace, or colour his whiskers, or go into bankruptcv, or cheat the printer, or get elected councilman, or run a bar account, or eat hash, or—or run for Congress ? Never!" (Screams and screeches of assent.)

Said lie : " This Darwin has inflicted a disgrace upon us that no monkev of any self respect will hesitate to resent. (A. wild clatter of applause.) If man was indeed descended from us, what a fall was there, mv countrvmen ! (Prolonged howls of derision.) If I had this base slanderer of our race—this Darwin, who ,iar' w'» fame by traducing us— I would r-r-r-r-rend him in pieces with these pentadactylous hands, and whip him to death with this prehensile tail!" (Immense cheering. )

The chairman interrupted the speaker to remind him that no puns would bo allowed. Nobody but men perpetrated puns, and a pun was altogether beneath the dignity of any monkey who had the least respect for himself. The speaker promised to be more guarded, and proceeded with his remarks. "Man descends from the monkey, indeed! If we were descended from man, it would be sufficiently disgraceful. I get ashamed when I think there is a possibility of a connecting link. Look at them in their political conventions. Tn our most idiotic momenta did we ever yell and howl as they do ] Look at them in Congress. A whole managerie on a drunken spree couldn't behave worse. And where did they get it ? They didn't get it from us, that is a sure thing. The key to their cussed nonsense is not the mon-key. (An admonishing shake of the head from the President.) Mr Darwin must seek for his ancestry elsewhere, and let the monkey alone. He might perhans trace it to the beasts of the field or the birds of the air, or (what is more likely) the jackass ?" Tremendous applause followed this speech.

After some further remarks on the part of distinguished monkeys of like tenor, the meeting passed a series of resolutions utterly repudiating the Darwinian theory, and adjourned.