VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 48, 12 October 1870, Page 7

VARIETIES.

-*—o—» Pleading a® the Bar—Begging for a drink. Extraordinary Feat of Nature/—Jumping from ' Winter to summer without a spring.. Undesirable bookkeepers—Those who forget to return borrowed volumes. Why ate billiard-rooms like arsenals ?—Because so many cannons are made in them. Oliver Wendell Holmes says that widows who cry most are the first to marry again. There is nothing like rainy weather for transplanting. A deserted damsel struck her lover with a poker, exclaiming, “You have broken my heart, and 1 will break your head, sir.’’ In a country graveyard in New Jersey is said to be a plain stone with this inscription on it i “Julia Adams, died of thin shoes, April l7th, 183*1, aged 19." “ How many children have I?” asked a lady of a spirit-rapper. “ Four.’ 1 —“ And how many have 1?" asked her husband. “ Two,!” Was the moat astonishing reply. Mistake somewhere. W*ho first introduced salt provisions into the navy?— Noah, for he took a Ham with him on board the ark. What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress ? —The farmer gathers what he sows, and the seamstress sews what she gathers. “ Mr S., is your customer D. a man who can be trusted 7”—“I know of no one more so. He can be trusted for evjr—he never pays." “ Deacon,” said a minister, after a heavy sermon, “I’m Very tired.”—•“ Indeed !” said the deacon ; “ then you’ll know how to pity us.” What is the difference between a man paralysed with fear and a leopard’s tail ? One is rooted to the spot, and the other is spotted to the root. An unsuccessful lover was asked by what means he lost his intended. “Alas,” he cried, “ I flattered her until she got too proud to speak. ” “ Why are old maids so devoted to their cats ?” asked a young coxcomb of an elderly lady.— “Became, not having husban Is, they take to the next moat treacherous animal,” was the reply, Ihe form of the marriage service In Indiana has been changed to suit the laws of that State, and for the phrase “until death do us part,” there has been substituted, “until divorced according to law.” “ My dear,” said the sentimental Mrs Waddle, “ home, you know, is always the dearest spot on earth.” “Well, yes, ” said the practical Mr Waddle, “ it does cost me about twice as much as any other. ” Beau and Bow.—A young lady was alighting from an omnibus, when a ribbm fell from her bonnet. “ You have left your bou) behind,” remarked a lady passenger. “ No, I haven't : he’s gone a-fishing," innocently replied the damsel. What He Learned—A little boy in the infant class of a Sunday-school “ out West,” was asked by his teacher if ha hal learned anything during the past week. “ Oh, yes,” said he. “Well, what is it “ Never to trump your partner's trick,” was the reply. “ Did you present your account to the defendant?” inquired a lawver of his client. “I did, sir."—“ And what did hesav?”—“ He told me to go to the devil.”—“ And what did you do then ?”—“ Why, then—l came to you.” Overdoing the Matter.—An elderly lady, who had insisted on her minister prating for rain, hvl her cabbages cut up by a hail-storm, and. on viewing the wreck, remarked that she never knew him un lertake anything without overdoing the matter. Experience of Travel. —A rather fast youth was relating the experience of his voyage across the ocean to a sympathising friend. Said he, “ I tell you what, old fellow, there’s one good thing about it, though. You can gat as tight as yon please every day, and everybody thinks you're only sea sick.’’ •Said a loving wife to her husban 1, “ Will you never learn, mv dear, the difference between real an I exchangeable value ?” The husband, tire I of political economists in petticoats, replied, “ I know, my dear, your great learning .an I many virtues : that’s vour real value. But I know, also, that none of my marriel friends would exchange wives with me : that’s your exchangeable value.” A lady-teacher in a Sun lav-school had recently occasion to illustrate a lesson on faith by the story of a chil l who was toll b/his father to drop from an elevated place into his arms. The father could not be seen by the child, yet, when comman le I, he dropped. Uoou the teacher asking her class what was shown by this story, ,a bright little fellow immediately replied, “It alio we I he had pluck.” Mark Twain had his fortune told by a celebrate I star-gager, and hers is the result Yours was not in the beginning, a criminal nature, but circumstances change 1 it. At the age of nine, you stole sugar ; .a**- fifteen, you sto'e money ; at twenty, yon stole horses ; at twenty-five, you eommittel arson ; at thirty—hardened in crime —Von became an e litor. Since then, your descent has beert rapid, Yon are now a public lecturer. Worse things are in store for von. Yon will be sent to Congress ; next to the penitentiary ; an I then, finally, happiness will come to yon again—'you will be ban gel. Before a contemplate I attack in the Peninsula, When a regiment was flonn lering through the mud in a verv wil I part of the country, .a company became scattere 1, and the officer called out to the men to form two deep. “ Whv, hang it !” shouted out a soldier, up to the knees in Soft clav, “ I’m too deep already.” Never chase your own hat when it blows off in a gate of win 1. Just start I still, and von will presently see half a dozen persona in pursuit of it. AVhen one has captri-el it, walk leisurely towards him, receive it with a gracebil jteknowtelgemeut, and place.it on your heal. He will invariably act as if veil had done him a favor, 'frv it. A soldier went into a shop at Brighton to purchase snnta trifling article, anl observing some re I herrings on the Counter, asked what they were. The shnmkeoner renliel, “Soldiers, my friend.”—•“ Are thev ?’* rejoined the son of Mars : “ then t’ll take them os deserters,” and he walked off with his prisoners, to the great of the bystander*.