Josh Billings on Marriage.

Cromwell Argus, Volume 1, Issue 46, 28 September 1870, Page 7

Josh Billings on Marriage.

Marriage is a fair transaction on the face ov it. lint there iz quite too often pntup jobs in it. It is an old institution, older than the Pyramids, and as phuli of liyrogliphics that nobody can parse. History holds its tongue who the pair was who fust put on the silken harness, and promised to work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote. Bnk whoever they was, they must have made a good thing out ov it, or so money ov their posterity would not have harnessed up since, and drove out, Thare iz a grate moral grip to marriage ; it is the mortar that holds the soshul bricks together. But there ain’t but very phew pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and give a good written opinyim win on earth they cum to did it. This iz a grate proof that it is one ov them natral kind of acksidents that must happen, just as birds fly out of the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake : this is lucky. Sum marry for money, and don’t see it. Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly come tew the conclusion that pedigree ain’t no better than skim milk. Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder where all the happiness goes tew when it dies. Sum marry, they can’t tell why, and live, they can’t tell how. Almost everybody gets married, and it is a good joke. Sum marry jin haste, and then sit down and think it carefully over. Sum think it over carefully fust, and then sit clown and marry. Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. Sura many bekawse they hav bin highsted sum where else : this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel : pride may make it endurable. Sum marry for love, without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, bat it is the strength of the game. If marrying for love ain’t a success, then matrimony is dec! beet. Sum marry bekawse they think winunin will be scarce next year, and live tew wonder how the crop holds out. Sum marry to get rid of themselves, and diskover that the gamewas one that two could play at, and neither win. Sum marry the second time to get even, and find it a gambling game—the more you put down, the less you take up. Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it. Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance of your days to clear oph the mortgages. Married life has its chances, and this iz what gives it its flavour. Everybody luvs tew phool with the chances, bekawse everybody expekts tew win. But lam authorized tew state that everybody don’t win. But, after all, married life iz full as certain as the dry goods hizness. No man can swear exackly where he will fetch up when he touches calico. No man can tell what calico has made up its mind tew do next. Calico don’t even kno herself. Dry goods of all kinds is the chile of circumstansis. Sum never marry, but this iz jest ez risky ; the disease is the same, with another name to it. The man who stands on the bank shivering, and duzzent, is more apt to ketch cold than him who pitches his head fust into the river. There iz but few who never marry bekawse they won’t : they all hanker, and most ov them starve with bread before them (spread on both sides), jest for the lack ov grit. Marry young iz my motto. I hev tried it, and I know what I’m talking about. If ennybody asks you whi you got married (if needs be), toll him you don’t recollect. Marriage is a safe way to gamble—if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu looze, you don’t looze ennything, only the privilege of living dismally alone, and soaking your own feet. I repeat it in italics, marry young. There is but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz—a second marriage! His Honor the Superintendent arrived at Port Chalmers on the 15th inst., per the s.s. Taranaki. He was accompanied by the Hons. Major Richardson, Dr Buchanan, Capt. Fraser, and Mr Holmes, and Messrs Bradshaw and Main. Salutes were fired from various ships in the harbour, and from Goldie’s battery, and the shipping was profusely decorated with hunting. The Volunteers and Cadet Corps mustered in strong force, and a hearty we given to His Honor. After hj the Provincial Hotel, a detac.hr Naval Brigade manned the Pit boat, and conveyed His Honoi deuce on the opposite shore of