Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 44, 14 September 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

The very climax of superfluous benevolence is declared to be that of bolding an umbrella over a duck in the rain. A Louisiana negro, who was paid bis wages in silver coin, thanked God that he bad “got some money that rats couldn’t chaw.” A French jury has returned the rather startling verdict of “Guilty, with doubts as to the prisoner’s identity. ” A Boston gentleman has invented a rat-trap which kills the animal instantly, throws its body into the air, and sets itself for another victim. A quiet humourist, who has had a hard time of it, says, “ When a man begins to go down hill he finds everything greased for the occasion.” Squalid Beggar.—“ Pray, sir, take pity on a miserable Avreteh. I have a wife and six chil dren.” Gentleman—“My poor friend, accept my heartfelt sympathy—so have 1.” The young man Avho sang “ I’m lonely since my mother died,” isn’t quite so lonely now : the old man married again, and the stepmother makes it lively enough for him. Miss Phcube Gozzens says it is a man’s duty to do housework, and especially to "wash dishes” —and she proves it by quoting the scriptures : “ 1 Avill wipe Jerusalem aS' a man wipeth a dish, ” An Irishman, leaning against a lamp-post as a funeral procession Avas passing by, Avaa asked avlio was dead. “ 1 can’t exactly say, sir,” said he “ but 1 presume it’s the gin tie man in the coffin. ” Sporting farmer to his rector ; Come to look at our hurdle races, sir? Capital view from this lane.—hector (avlio is there by accident, of course) : Mus’n’t go to races in Lent, Smith. We are only out for a ride. “ Do you say that as a htAvyer or a man ?” exclaimed an exasperated Avitness Avhom a lawyer was cross-examining : “ if you say it as a man, it is a lie and a slander ; but if you say it as a lawyer, it isn’t of the slightest consequence.” A young lady, avlio prided herself on her geography, seeing a candle aslant, remarked that it reminded her of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. “ Yes,” responded a wag, “ Avith this difference ; that is a tower in Italy, Avhile this is a tower in Grease. ” A person in the neighbourhood of KeSAvick lately placarded the folloAviug announcement; - - “ Extensive sale of live stock, comprising not less than one hundred and forty thousand head, Avith an unlimited right of pasturage !” It turned out that he had several hives of bees to dispose of. An author who Avas about to read his drama ■ in the green-room the other night, remarked that I he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. Mrs Blank said she knew something more terrible than that. “ What is it?” exclaimed the author. “To be obliged to sit still and hear it,” she replied. A phrenologist, strolling through a church yard, perceived a grave-digger tossing up the earth, among Avhich Avere two or three skulls. The craniologist took one up, and, after considering a little time, said, “ This was the skull of a philosopher.”—“ Very like, sir,” said the gravedigger, for I do see it’s somewhat cracked.” A countryman avlio had never paid more than 20c. to see an exhibition, went to a Ncav York theatre to see “The Forty Thieves,” The ticket-seller charged him Toe. for a ticket. Passing the pasteboard back, he quietly remarked, Keep it, mister ; 1 don’t want to see the other thirty-nine.” And out he marched. A merchant in the City Avas accustomed to demand an excuse of his clerks Avheaever they arrived late. The excuse having been given, he invariably added, “ Very avcll ; but don’t let it happen again.” One morning a married clerk, being behind time, Avas promptly interrogated as to the cause. Slightly embarrassed, he replied, “ The truth is, sir, I had an addition to my family this morning, and it was not convenient to be here sooner.”—“ Very avoII,” said the merchant, in his quick, nervous manner, “very Avell; but don’t let it happen again !” The Ant.—The ant is a meimy-footted insekt. They live about one thousand live hundred and | fifty of them (more or less) in the same hole in | the ground, and hold their property in common. I. They have no holyday, no eight-hour sistem, nor | never strike for euny higher Avages. They are I cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice nor back door to their hearts. There iz no sedentary !■loafurs among them, and you never see one out lov a job. They get up orly, go tew bed late, i Avork all the time, and eat on the run. You ! never see tew ants argueing sum phoolish ques- ; tion that neither ov them didn’t understand ; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited jor not; nor Avhether a fish, weighing two pounds, qput into a pail of water alreddy phul, will make , the pail slop over, or Aveigh more. They ain’t a I hunting after the fillos'sopher’s stone, nor gibting crazy over the cause of the sudden earthquakes, i They don’t kare Avhether Jupiter is thirty or ‘ thirty one millions ov miles up in the air, or i whether the arth bobs round on its axis or not, \ so long as it don't, bid) over their torn crib, and spill their barley. They are simple, little, bizzy : aunts, full ov faith, Avorkiug hard, living prudently, committing no sin, minding their own : bizzness, and dicing when their time comes, to ; make room for the next crop of ants. They arc ; a reproach tew the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and. a study tew the Christian. If you Avant to take 1 a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down by the 1 side ov their hole in the ground, and Avonder j liow so inunuv kali liv so thick. If man had i (added tew his »warily) the pashunce and grit j 'ov these atoms ov animated natnr, every inouuj tin on the biizzum ov tin; arth would, before : this, have been levelled : and every inch ov 1 surface would scream with fruitfulness •, and : countless lots of hum in critters Avould have bin j added to the inhabitants of the universe, and i bill fed on corn and other sass. Ants arc older i than Adam. Man (for very wise reasons) Ava'uf I i.ilt until ail other things wore finished, and pr<--■nouneel good. If man had bin made fust, Ini j iwniild have insisted upon bossing over the rtv-t |W the job. lie probably Avould have iiiijeeif.rJ juii having any little biz/.y aunts at all, and. various other objections would have beau nrgod I‘equally green. ’ 1 am glad that, man was the litet '•thing inade. If man hadn't hav breiv made; id. Kl|, yon iie\vr would hive ’ic.ir.l '.ur. Jut '.Bliy fault ids ait it, ■ J-.-sA L'd'o.'-y-.