Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume 1, Issue 43, 7 September 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

First Hough : “We’re agolu' to be edicAteii now, c’mpulsory, or else go to the treadmill I’ 1 Second Hough : “Ah—no vunder so many pool' people’s a Immigratin'!”— Punch. An indigent young man being curtly told by a crusty old miser, t« whom he had applied for help, to seize the first thing lie could lay his hands upon, caught his advisor by the nose, and pulled it industriously. “(Jome, Sambo, get up, my boy ; it’s after sunrise.What oh dat, inassa ? ’Spose it sun rise two hours ’fore day, poor Sambo must git up. cos sun rise, eh ? Don't come dat game ober dis nigger, no how.” “Recollect, sir,” said a tavern-keeper to a gentleman who was about leaving bis house without paying the reckoning, “ recollect, sir, if you lose your purse, you didn’t pull it out here.” This broad hint was taken. “ As to being conflicted with the gout,” said Mrs Partington, “ high livin’don’t bring it on. It is incoherent in some families,-and is handed down from father to son. Mr Hammer, poor soul, who lias been so long ill with it, disinherits it from hi* wife’s grandmother. A person once entering the House of Commons when the Hump Parliament was sitting, exclaimed, “These are goodly gentlemen. 1 could work for them all my days for nothing.”- “ What trade are you, my good friend asked one of the attendants. —“a rope-maker, sir,” replied the other. Lawyer : How do you identify this handkerchief? Witness: By its general appearance, and the fact that 1 have others like it. Counsel : That’s no proof, Jor I have got one just like it in my pocket. Witness : i don’t doubt that, for I have had more than one of the same sort stolen. It is said that the Pope advised Petrarch to marry Laura, but that the poet refused, because he feared that the familiarity of marriage might extinguish his passion. A blunt person, on reading this anecdote, observed, “There is a fool, who won’t eat his dinner, for fear that it should spoil his appetite.” One day, a stout, jolly-looking female, mendi - cant entered a shop in Dublin, and asked the owner for charity. Ho shook his head, saying, “lam not able to give you anything.” The woman, in quite a cheerful tone, promptly replied, “Thank you, sir, and may you long be in the same postion.” One of the Manchester papers gives the following as a note of excuse sent to a schoolmaster in the neighbourhood, in explanation of a pupil’s absence : “ Kepotoam tullid kolla dunnit waelim cossis rigs sor which may be thus translated t Kept at home to load coals do not wale (beat) him, because his rig (back) is sore. A gentleman who had just returned from Arkansas hoard the following conversation at a tavern : “Holloa, boy !’’—“ Holloa, yourself!” —“ Can I get breakfast here?”—“ 1 don’t reckon you can.”—“ Why not ?”—“ Massa’s away, mistress is away, the baby’s got the measles, and 1 don’t care a darn for nobody.” An Irishman having accidentally broken a pane of glass in one of the windows of a house, was making the best of his way to get out of the road j but, unfortunately for Pat, the proprietor stole a march on him, and, having seized him by the collar, exclaimed, “You broke my window, fcl low ! did you not?”—“ To be sure I did,” says Pat; “ and didn’t you see me running home for money to pay for it ?” An old officer had lost an eye in the wars, and had supplied its place with a glass one, which lie always took out when he went to bed. Being atari inn, he took out his eye, and gave it to a simple-minded servant-girl who attended, desirher to lay it on the table. The maid afterwards still waiting and staring, tbe officer asked her what she was waiting for. “ Only for the other eye, sir !” In Solano county, California, a sharp wheat | buyer, seeing quotations slightly advanced, tele* I graphed to the Bay to know if lie should buy at 1 quotations. The answer came : “No price too | high !” On receipt of this message, he “ wired in” and bought 200 tons, which he was obliged recently to sell, pocketing a loss of one dollar aton. By a 'comma after “ No” all this loss would have been saved. So much for punctuation. The poet Gray was notoriously fearful of tire, | and kept a ladder of ropes in his bedroom. Some i mischievous young men at Cambridge, knowing I this, roused him from below in the middle of the I night with the cry of fire. The staircase, they | said, was in flames. Up went the window, and j down he came on his rope-ladder as fast as he I could into a tub of water which they had placed ; there to receive him. He was put out. | Seventeen years ago, when Baron Hsussinsn was Prefet of Bordeaux, he drove out with the Emperor, and being a man of commanding prei sence and winning maimers, quite dwarfed the hero of the coup d'etat. “ Prefet, the citizens- ; seem to regard their Prefet ami forget their Em* ■ peror.”—Sire,” was the courtly reply, “ when a i regiment is marching, the crowd is always struck i with the drum-niajoi, but it is not to be con* ! eluded that they forget the general in command.-" That reply was the making of Baron HaussmaiiSome time ago, a man was charged in the Police Court in Glasgow, with stealing a herring; 1 barrel from a person in Stockwcll-strcefc, When the charge had been proved, the accuser thus j addressed the magistrate : “ Deed, Sir Bailee,■ ! the man at the bar is a great rogue ; the stealing: : o’the barrel is naeihing to some o’ las tricksHe stole my sign-brod last week, and what doe.* I your honour think lie did wi it ? He brought it into my aiu shop, wi’ my name on’t, and offered to sell mo t, as he thought ic would be o’ mail use to me than onybody else.” I A fellow who had been paying his devoirs at the shrine of Bacchus, and like Palatal! had for* ; sworn thin potations, stood at the corner of the' j street, endeavouring to sustain himself by the assistance of a post. It was rather a difficult piece of business, for he was first upon one side--1 and then on the other, hi this emergency, a ; boon companion on the opposite side of the street j called to him to cross.- “ Gome across !” replied tile fellow nvith a hiccup,- missing his hold on tile" | post, ami tumbling at length, you must, he >i. 1 smart man, to suppose J can come across,- Whs’M I am Ini* diifitk- L> sta-v’ •'-here Pan- ”