Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 32, 22 June 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

—o .. Pickpockets dis-purse a crowd. Words that Bum.—Rejected communicatioas, A Eoaniin' Catholic. —Father Hyacinthe. Advice to a Toper.—Don't let your spirits go down. Why are Women extravagant on clothes ? Because when they buy a new dress they woar it out on the first day. What an absorbing passion is gambling ! A man told us the other day that he had been tossing in las bed all night. A jealous husband in Memphis broke bis wife's nose because he thought her beauty attracted too much attention. The wretch who can stand in a 'pair of slippers worked for him by his wife, and scold her, is a brute, who deserves to have the gout in both feet. Once upon a time, a Frenchman and a Dutchman were travelling in Pennsylvania when their horse lost a shoe. They drove up to a blacksmith's shop, and no one being in, they proceeded to the house to inquire. The Frenchman rapped and called out, "Is de smitty wittin?" " Shtand back," said the Dutchman, "let mo shpeak. Ish der blacksmith's shop in der house I"

Two Dutchmen, living opposite each other, who had for many years been in the habit of smoking by their door-sides in silence, at length broke forth in the following dialogue : " What sort of wedder you tink it will po to-day, neighbour ?" The other, after two or three hasty puffs, " Well, I don't know; "what sort of wedder you tink it will pe ?" The first, somewhat nettled, saib, " I tink it will be such wedder as you tink it will pe." The other said, acquiesciugly, " Well, I tink so too." Sambo on Woman.—" Dey may rail against women as much dey like, dey can't set me against dem. I hab always in my life found dem to be fust in lub, fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance, de fust in de ice cream saloon, and de fust, best, and de last in de sick-room. What would we do widout dem ? Let ua bo born as young, a3 ugly, aud as helpless as we please, de woman's arm am open to receibe us. She am it who gubs ' us our fust doce ob castor oil, and puts clozo

upon our helplessly naked limbs, and cubbera up our foots and noses in long flanuCl petticoats ; and it am she, as we grow up, fills our dinnerbasket with dough-nuts and apples as we start for school, aud licks us when we taars our trowsiss."

"'Wanted, expert needlewomen to make babies' bodies.' -Well, that beats all!" exclaimed Mrs Partington, throwing down the newspaper, in which, during the last fifteen minutes, she had been spelling out the adversements, and peering indignantly over her spectacles across the breakfast table at Ike, who was busily occupied in excavating his fourth egg■hell. " Did anybody ever hear the like ! I always said it was as good as tellin' Natur' sho didn't know how to do her own work when they instructed steam-rams and donkey-engines. But this preposterous idea of rnakin' slop-work babies is enough to make the poor thing shut up shop altogether. Mark my words, Ike—them sewin' machines will be pressed into this 'ere new business afore long ; and then all the cmigratin' in the workl 4 won't be able to keep down the sur-

plioe poppy lation." It is proverbial in Minnesota "if anyono wants to get married, attend Miss 13.'s school." The " wooing is done up in quick time." The most expeditious case in which 1 was specially interested was that of a young miss of fifteen. One evening as she left the school-room, I noticed a tall six-footer standing at the corner of a vacant lot, who joined her as she passed along. The following day sho was not in her seat, and on tho third day she entered for her books, saying with a happy countenance, that she should not bo at school any more. "Why not?" 1 enquired. " Oh, 1 was married yesterday," she replied. I asked her why she did not acquaint tnc with her intentions, telling her it was altogether too great, a surprise. " 1 should have done so had 1 known it myself, but' he' never asked me nnU yesterday, -and we were married last evening. _ "Yon have known him well, 1 presume. "1 never saw him until the day bofrfO. K asked me, and I didn't liko to say'N-, sola, a married woman.