Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 31, 15 June 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

Procrastination.— Ur. Johnston usel to gay, “ Ho who waits to do a groat deal of good at ouce, will Mover do any. ” A Smile ia over the moat bright ami beautiful with a tear upon it, What ia tho dawn without its dew ?

Manly spirit, as it is generally called, u oftca littlo elso than the froth and foam of hard* mouthed insolence.

Tho most beautiful may bo tbo most admired and caressed, but thoy are not always tho most esteemed and loved. * .

That gifted tongue of yours, dear lady, was given you to make known your true moaning to us, not to bo rattled like a mulliu-mau’s bell

“ What are you doing with my microscope Fred ?’’ “ I’vo been shaving, father, and I want to seo if there aro any hairs in tho lather.” The First architect.—“ Who built the first house ?” asked an ambitious schoolmistress of a bright littlo girl on examination day “ I don’t know, ma’am, but I think Moah did.”—“ Why do you think so, my dear?”—“ Because he’s the first ari-itect we read of.” A Cynical Man insists that tho fewer relations or friends we have, the happier wo aro. lay >ur poverty they never help you, in your prosperity* they always help themselves, A Sweeping Simile.—A fellow who had novor enjoyed tho pleasure of being coaxed out of his money by a pair of bright eyes swimming ia tears, and consequently feels angry with those who have, crustily remarks : “As people sprinkle the floors before they sweep them, so wives sprinkle their husbands with tears in order to sweep the cash out of their pockets." A Word to Wives.—“ Why is it that so many men cease to love their wives or care for their homes ?” I wonder if married women ever ask themselves this question. It is because so many women endeavor to please everybody except their husbands. They do all in their power to win a man’s heart and hand, but they do nothing to keep it. A farmer saw an advertised recipe to prevent wells and citrens from freezing. Ho sent hi* money and received in answer : “ Take in your wells and citrens on cold nights, and keep them by the fire.”

Who wrote the moat, Dickens, Warren, or Bulwer? Warren wrote “ Now and then," Buiwar wrote “ Night and Morning,” and Dickon* wrote “ All the Year Round.”

A negro who had learned to read, wishing bo give some of hia acquaintances, who had never seen a book, an idea of it, said, “ Reading is the power of hearing with the eyes as well as the ears.”

King James I. was once entreated by his old nurse to make her son a gentleman. “ Nae, nae, nurse," was the reply of the British Solomon ; “ I’ll mak’ him a lord, and ye wull, but it is beyond my power to mak’ him a gentleman.” We are born in hope ; we pass our childhood in hope ; wo are governed by hope in the whole course of our lives; and in our last momenta hope is flattering to us, and not till the beating of the heart shall cease, will its benign influence leave us.

A cheerful mau is happy, even if he possesat® little; a fretful man is unhappy in the midst) of affluence. One great difference between a wise man and a fool is, the former only wishes for what he may possibly obtain: the latter desires impossibilities. A gentleman called on a rich miser, and found him at tablfc endeavouring to catch a (iy. Presently ho succeeded in entrapping one, which he immediately put in the sugar, and shut down the cover. The gentleman asked for an explanation of this singular sport. “ I’ll tell you,” replied the miser, a triumphant grin overspreading his countenance as he spoke, “ I wan; to ascertain if the servants steal the sugar. ” “Alas!” said a moralizing bachelor, within, earshot of a witty young lady of tho company, “this world is at its best a gloomy prison. 1 ' “ Yes,” sighed the merciless minx, “especially to tho poor creatures doomed to solitary confinement.”

A darkey in Natchez, Mississippi, was boasting to a grocer of tho cheapness of ton pounds of sugar ha had bought at a rival store. “ Let me weigh tho package,” said the grocer. Tho darkey assented, and it was found two pounds short.. The coloured gentleman looked perplexed for a, moment, and then said, “Guess ho didn’t cheat, dis chilo much, for while ho was gottiu’ de sugar I stole two pair of shoes.” Mr Mudie, the author of some popular works, on “Tho {Seasons,” was originally a teacher in Dundee, Ho happened to bo one of a tea party at the house of the Kov. Dr, M . Tho doctor was reputed for the suavity of his manners, and his especial politeness towards tho fair sex. Handing a dish of honey to ono of tho ladies, he said in his wonted manner, “Do take a little honey, Miss . ft is so sweet —so like yourself.” Air Mudie could not restrain his native tendency to humour, so, banding tho butter-dish to his host, he exclaimed, “ Do taka a littlebutter, doctor. It is so soft—so like yourself." A colonial farmer, who lost a sheep, advertised thus ; —“ Lost or stradefrom me a shape all over with ono leg was black and it had a black head. All persona shall receive a reward of live dollars, to bring him to mo. Ho was a she goto. ” A New Hampshire editor, who has been keeping a record of big beets, announces at last that “ tho beet that heat the boot that beat the other beet is uow beaten by a boot that beat all tha. other beets, whether tho original beet, the boot that beat the boot, or the beet that boat the beet, that boat tho boot.”

A Big Snake.—An Indian came to an agouti, in lowa to get some whisky for a young warrior who had been bitten by a rattlesnake. At lirst the agent did not credit the story, but the. earnestness of the Indian overcame his scruples. He asked him how much ho wanted. “Four quarts,” waa tho reply. “ Four quails 1” repeated the agent wic.ii surprise ; “ as much. as that ?” “ Yes.” replied the Indian, frowning aa. savage as though about to exterminate tliovrhul* tribe, " Four quarts—snake vory big.'"