Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 26, 11 May 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

" Necessity ia the mother of invention," but it has never been accurately ascertained who is the father. What is the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc ?—The first was made of Gophir wood, and the latter Maid of Orleans. Two wags were speaking about the fancy dresses they intended to wear at a forthcoming ball. " Oh," said a comic, " I shall go disguised in liquor."—" Don't," was the immediate, reply, "everyone will recognise you." An Irishman was brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain. "Please, your worship," said Paddy, " I was just trying to get a good one." There is a story of a bishop who querulously remarked to his servant that he was dying. "Well, my lord," said the good fellow, "you are going to a better place."—" John," replied the prelate, with an air of conviction, " there ia no place like Old England!" A Teutonic philosopher was saluted by one of his friends, " How are you. Toot ?" The philosopher stopped, poised his stick on the pavement, and replied—" Veil, vat's the use of gomplaining! Ven I gomblain, beople tinks I vants to borrow inonisb. ; ven I don't gomplain, they tink I kava monish to lend." Music (says Auerbach) washes away from tha soul the dust of everyday life. A fashionable party is now called a Daughter-• cultural Show. Many men who pretend to have grains of good sense seem to have scruples about using them. A social glass to which ladies are addictod—The, mirror. The cup that cheers but not inebriates The buttercup. Working for bare life—Making clothes for a young baby. Why is a beefsteak like a locomotive I It ia not of much account without it's tender. Some things are much better eschewed thaa chewed ; tobacco is one of them. Why does a sailor know there is a man in the. moon ?—Because he has been to sea. As a man drinks he generally grows reckless : in his case the more drams the fewer scruples. Said a male advocate of woman's rights t " When I am in a crowded car, and a lady comes in, I think it is the duty of some other man to., get up and give her his seat. I look round the car to see if any man in the crowd looks like, moving in that direction, and when I see them all keep their seats, I hide my face behind my newspaper and blush for my sex." To tell your own secrets ia generally folly, but that folly is without guilt; to communicate those with which you are entrusted is treachery and folly combined. Woman is composed of 243 bones, 409 muscles, and 306 pins. Fearfully and wonderfully made, and to be handled with care to avoid scratches. " So you are going to keep a school," said a young lady to her old aunt. " Well, for my part, sooner than do that I would marry a widower with nine children." "I should prefer that myself," was the quiet reply ; "but where is the widower." Mark Twain thinks that sodawater is not reliable for a steady drink. It is too gassy. The next morning after drinking 38 bottles he found himself full of gas and as tight as a balloon. Hft hadn't an article of clothing that he could wear except his umbrella . Dr Johnson was one day dining at the house of a lady, when she asked him if ho did not think her pudding good. " Yea," growled the great moralist) "it is very good for hogs." " Shall I help you to another, plateful, then i' asked the polite hosteus.