Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 22, 13 April 1870, Page 3

Varieties.

Stirring.—Sweetening one’s coffee is generally the first stirring event of the day, Pretty True.—Some author says the use of adversity is to bring us out. That’s true—particularly at the knees and elbows. Without Notes.—A city missionaryjwaa asked the cause of his poverty.—“ Principally,” said he, with a twinkle of the eye, “ because I hava preached so much without notes 1” When is a small fish-pond like a bird-cage 2 When there is a perch in it. The Cause of the Rows in Ireland. —One party want tenant rights, and the other right tenants. A Wedding Present.—The marriage of a popular American author was recently celebrated in New York. Hia principal gift to his bride wan a casket made of mother-of-pearl, ivory, and gold, containing love-letters received by him during his career. ;A New York paper is enabled to state that there were 3796 !

Why is the. letter u of more Aalue than cream to a dairy maid 2—Because it makes better but -

The, science of velocipede travelling is mostly comprised in a few words : you straddle, paddle, and then skedaddle.

A Knowing Wife.—A Paris journal has a capital cartoon, which represents two young mirried ladies chatting about their husbands. —“What," says one of them, “you permit your husband to smoke in your rooms ?”—“ Certainly I do ; but he spends his evenings with me o’replied 0 ’replied the other. —“Yes, at that price.” —“ My dear friend, a shrewd wife avails herself of her husband’s faults to repress hia vices."

Aii aged lady, whoso failing sight rendered necessary a prayer-book of great size, which sho had had covered with velvet, recently called on a friend on her way to church, and upon starting again unwittingly picked up a small musicalbox, covered with similar-colored velvet, instead of the prayer-book. During the sacred ceremony the old lady attempted to open the book, when, to her surprise and the astonishment of the congregation, the roguish machine instantly struck up “ Tommy Dodd ” with great force and clearness.

“Young man, do you know what relations you sustain in this world ?” said a minister of our acquaintance |o a young man of his church. “Yes, sir,” replied the hopeful convert: “ two cousins and a grandmother ; hut I do not. mean to sustain them much longer.” The Ruling Passion.—Racing Card: I want—aw—to look at some scarves.—Draper’s Assistant: Yes-sir; once or twice round, sir?—R.C. (instinctively): Oh, twice round—and a distance !

A disturbed preacher remarked, “If that cross-eyed lady iuu the side aisle, with red hair and a blue bonnet, don’t stop talking, I must point her out to the congregation.” A Dangerous Character.—A man who “ takes life” cheerfully.

Courage.—As an old woman was lately walking through one of the streets of Montreal at midnight, a patrol called out, “ Who’s there?” —“lt is I, patrol; doult he afraid !” said she. “ Sam, I’ve lost my watch overboard : it lies in twenty feet of water. Is there no way to get R.”—“Ye«, of course there is.”—“ How, Sam?"—“ Why, divers’ ways, of course.” “If you will quote auy of my jokes,” said Lamb, “ quote this, which is really a good one. Hume and his wife, with several of their children, were with me. Hume repeated his old saying, ‘One fool makes many.’ ‘Yes, Mr Hume,’ said I, pointing to the company, ‘ you have a line family.’” Merchants think nothing of paying £5 for one sign, with nothing but their name on it. W ell! what do you think of having 501 X) signs a week in a newspaper ? In it you can show your whole, establishment to the public every week. If you arc wise, just mb your eyes, and go to work and advertise.

A gentle Quaker had two horses : a very good ono, and a very poor one. When seen riding the latter, it turned out that his better half had taken the good one.. “What 1” said a sneering, bachelor, “ how oqmes it that you let your wifi), ride the better librae ?” The only reply was, “ Friend, when theo bo married, theo’ll know 1”

An Irish friend p£ oura thundered out a noble auawer the other day to a. pestiferous dun. “ You can call, sir, for your dirthy bill this day month, nud if I see your ugly face before tb.fi;, day, be gorra I’ll have to take the receipt from your executors.”