Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 21, 6 April 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

A poor thoughtless old gentleman sat the other day on the spur of the moment. screams were frightful.

A fashionable lady’s maid, who endeavors tq rival her mistress in the style of her garments, wrote an order to the perfumer the other day, in which she requested him to send her a casq of “ 0 D ok Alone” !

The editor of a country journal put a dozen sauoy questions to a political opponent, and eon, eluded with calling him a “ brandy barrel,'* whereupon the opponent retorted th at if he had that opinion of him, it was no .wonder he was so fond of “ pumping” him ! When Oliver Cromwell tirst coined hi? money, ■an old cavalier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscription “God with us” op one side, an l “ The Commonwealth of England 1 ' on the other. “ Oh, I see,” said he : “God and the Commonwealth are on different sides !”

A man was ordered to take a tea-spoonful of medicine every hour for Sixteen hours. Being iu a hurry, he took sixteen spoonfuls in one hour.’ He died in a hurry. At a fashionable restaurant the other day, a waiter spilled some soup on a gentleman’s coat. “You awkward booby !” sail the gentleman.—“Don’t be afraid, sir,” returns I the waiter ; “our soup never leaves a stain.” No wonder—it vas so weak.

A la ly was recently robbed by a fellow whp secreted himself in her chamber until she had retired. The boxes containing her jewellery and rouge happens I to be exactly alike, and fortunately the thief took the rouge box by mistake. The lady looked pale on discovering her, loss, but her colour came again next morning. A short time ago a poor Irishman appeared at the churchwarden’s office of Manchester for relief, and upon doubt being expressed as to whether he was a proper subject for parochial charity, enforced his suit with much earnestness. “ Ooh your honour,” said he, “sure I’d be starved long since but for'my cat.”—“ Bat for what?” asked his interrogator. "My cat!’' rejoined the Irishman. “Your cat! how so?’' “ Sure, your honor, I spald her eleven times for sixpence a time, and she was always at homo before I’d get there myself.”

A Carious Telegram : —A telegrapher wishing to tell a person that he was coming down to see him directly, adopted the following economical mode of telegraphing ;—“ Real conclusion Third Epistle John.” This with the address, mads up the ten words, which cost the minimum pries of half-a-crown. Our readers may like to knew what was meant by his brief message, and for their benefit we copy it ; —“ I had many things to write, but 1 will not with ink and pen writs unto thee ; but I irust I shall shortly sue theo, and wo will speak face to face. Peace ho to theo. Our friends salute theo. Greet the friends by name. ”

A poor fellow having with difficulty procured an audienoo of the late Duke of Newcastle, cama to solicit him for something towards his support, and rs they were of the same family, both being descended from Adam, he hoped he should not be refused. “Surely not," said the Duke, “ surely not. There is a penny for you ; and if all the rest of your relations will give you as much, you’ll be a richor man th.ar, I 0.01. ” Among the many vagaries of the inmates of the Benevolent Asylum at VJelbourne is that of a decrepit old man, evidenrly about 80 years of age, who regularly makes his appearance at ths door of the committee-room on the occasion of their weekly meetings, with a request that ho may be allowed to marry one of the female inmates whom he mentions. The curious part of r.he circumstance is that although he has boon eleven years in the Asylunj, eich weak lie bring* up a diifereut woman of whom be is enamoure!. He makes his reguest with ail gravity, and is as regularly put olf with a joke ; and when nskod what he will do for a living, cheerfully rsspon la that ho will work at his trade of a bucchcr. Although he has been so m my times disappointed iu his love a;lairs, he makes b.s appearance rogulatly every week with a new can lidate for t‘,o honor of his hand and hsarc, air! appear* likwlji . ro do po for so.ne time to eorpe.