Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 15, 23 February 1870, Page 3

Varieties.

The Spendthrift’s Prayer.—" Leave me a-loan, will you ?” Jhe iioa.—“ 1 have very little rcsjreot for the ties of this world j” as the chap said when the rope was put round his neck. To kiss a rosy-checked girl and find your mouth Idled with Venetian red, and she growing pale on it, is truly awful. “Never listen to flatterers,” said a mother to her . daughter.—“ Why, mamma, how shall 1 know that they flatter without I listen?” was the quick response of young miss. A young candidate for the legal profession waaasked what he should do lirst when employed to bring an action. “Ask for money on no count,” was the prompt reply. He passed. A Miss Joy, hearing it stated that “a thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” emphatically declared that she was glad that she was not a thing of beauty, because she didn't want to remain a Joy for ever. “ It is dangerous to be working with a sewing machine near a window in a thunder-storm. ” Jones says he has found it dangerous to sit near some sewing-machines when there is no thunderstorm. Not Vindictive. —A Provincial editor fell on a slippery pavement the other day. He did not use “ unparliamentary language,” as some would ■have done ; but bit his lips, rubbed down the bruises, and, with a benevolent smile radiating Lis countenance, remarked, “ We don’t cherish any ill-will ; but for light and entertaining reading matter recommend us to the obituary notice of the man who ought to sweep this pavement.” A terrible bore.—The inside of a 15-inch gun. Snooks says the reason lie does not get married is, that his house is not large enough to contain the consequences. A farmer having buried his wife, waited upon the grave-digger who had performed the necessary duties, to pay him his fees. Being of a niggardly disposition, ho endeavoured to get the knight of the spade to abate his charges. The patience of the latter becoming exhausted, be grasped his shovel impulsively, and with an angry look exclaimed, “ Doou wi’ anithsr shilhn,’ or —up she comes !” The threat had the desired effect. Mr Ramsay, late minister of Kelsa, was lec. timing one Sunday to his congregation on the MSth Psalm. When he came to the 12th versa which runs thus —“Both young men and maidens, old men and children, praise the Lord.” “My Brethren,” says he, “ I'm aware that you will wonder much that wives are not here called upon to do so too. As it is my duty to resolve j all your questions relating to this Psalm, I must | inform yon that King David hath included j wives in the 7th and Bth verses, which are thui j written : ‘ Ye Dragons, and all Deeps, Fire ami I Hail, Snow and Vapour, and Stormy Wind praise the Lord.’ ” (Mr R. was unhappy in his wives.) A romance in love is told of Mdlle. Luzgel, a pretty French actress at St. Petersburg, and how ingeniously she was “ popped ’ to by Prince Tolstoi, a wealthy young Russian nobleman. The lady was presiding over one of the tables at a fair held for the benefit of a hospital. The Prince, wishing to do a little something for benevolence, banteringly asked her how much she would take for a kiss. She glanced at him rather sternly, ami replied that she would not kiss a;J) man but her betrothed. The Prince passed on. but returned to Mdlle. Luzgel’s stand a quarter of an hour afterward's,, and said, rather thoughtfully, to the young actress, “Mill you permit me to ask you another question. Mademoiselle ?” ‘‘ With pleasure, sir. ” ‘‘ Have you a betrothed V” She eyed him for a minute with surprise, and then said, with a blush and a smile, “ No, sir.’ “ Would you like to have one ?” “ That depends on circumstances,” said she laughing. “Veil, then, would you take me? bo saying lr« handed her his card. She was greatly astonished and finally stammered out she would give him, an answer next day. On the following morning he called at her house, the reply was in the atfivj mative, and to-day Mdlle. Luzgel is a Princess and a happy wife. At Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was allowed to approach, save the General’s cow ; and the sentries had particular orders to turn away any one who ventured to cross the forbidden turf. . One day, old Lady D , having called at the General’s, in order to make a short cut, bent her steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, and desiring her to return and go the other road. Shs remonstrated ; the man said he could not disobey his orders, which were to prevent any one crossing that piece of ground. “ But,” sard Lady I)! , with a stately air, “do you know who I aln ?” “I don’t know who you ho, ma’an,” replied the immovable sentry; “but I know who you b’arnt— you b’aint the general’s cow.” Medical Advice.—“ Sir,” said a hypochondriacal patient, while describing his symp on;a to Abernethy, “ I feel a terrible pain in my sice when I put ray hand to my hoa.l.”—“ Thou sir," exclaimed tire mild physician, “ Why the deuce do you put your hand to your head ?” A lesson in Arithmetic.— Teacher : John, suppose I were to shoot at a tree with five birds on 1 it and kill three, how* many would he loft? ( John :■ Three, air. Teacher : v o, two woull be 1 left, you ignoramus. Joint-: No, there wouldn't though. The three shot would he left, and the 5 other two would bo Hied away. ’ Missed her Mark.—Madomoi-ol's Georges, t!m celebrated French actress, was on one occasion, 3 starring in the provinces. One evening after the•l fall of the curtain, the beaux of Hie village as--1 senabled round her to congratulate her. “Ah,. <• gentlemen," she said ; “to play that part well, 6 one ought to ho young and bcentiful.”—“ Ohi i madam,” answered one of the beaux. “ you hnx* J proved the contrary.”