Velocipedes.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 12, 26 January 1870, Page 3

Velocipedes.

CFrom a " Josh BUlwjs" Point of Hew. /

The velocipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel behind the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one. They revolve on thoir axis, similar to the world, from east to west, and havo already reached the shores of the Atlantic, Get man, and Pacifick oshuns. They are az eazy to rido as an old grind stun. They will undoubtedly do away with the use "of steam, and in fifty years from now will be the only means of locomoshun known to man. The ladies will use them jist az sune az they kan settle the question in what manner they shall occupy them. Jist now thai- is a dispute whether they shall occupy both sides of the velocipead at ouct, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at onct, similar to the ainshuut custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss. It is tew be hoped this matter will be laid before the " Wimmin's Right Committee," and that nothing of a one-sided natur' should be allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny. I beleaf in throwing everything wide open to a fair competishun between the tew sexes, velocipeads az well az medicine, and mil/ the best win. It might hike a little odd (for the fust day or too) to see the ladies divided by a velocipead. but, in the grate advance ov prices and morals which are now at work in the world, nobody but a phool or a foggy would object to it—if we are ever to reach perfecshan in this world, we have all of us got to havo a fair chance, at both sidse of things. I have examined the scientifick principles ov the velocipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk. The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations, acktiug in conjunction with the simple law of attraction, preserves the moshun of the velocipead with its proper and natural revolushun. Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science : the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 Commandments, and prapz better. There is one improvement in the velocipead which lam anxiously looking forward to, and that iz, for them to stand till yu mount them. Nothing is more annoying than a habit they hav got iutu ov lying down on their sides if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still. I hav seen the noble animal, the hoss, when he wanted to git rivl of his rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up hiz heek This is a trick which the velocipeact haz stole from the hoss without giving him enny kredit for it. If my memory servesme right, the moshun of the velocipead is purely a krank moshun, similar tew the grind stun or the tread mill, and is projuced the same way in which the scizzor grinder stirs up- his macheen. I hav thought if the pioneer wheel ov the velocipead could be made out ov whitestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razurs and carvrng knives, and thus bektun a means ov grace az well az beuty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov usefulness. If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, and it becomes inelegant at onst. The moshun ov the velocipead is produced by the akshun ov the legsjs—or rather, the pedal extremetys; the word leggs is altogether tu common for any man tu uze, who ever expeks tew bekam an M.P., or tu be cant in the sosiety of refined people. This fakt is sutfMently explaned tu the latin skollar, who understands that velocipeads is manufactured out ov two forrin words, "veloss"and "pedoss," which politely means " pedal swiftness." If a man don't understand latin now-a-daze, he kant hardly enjoy the converzishun ov a hod-carrier. The velocipead iz not a modern discovery ; long before the daze ov Adam and Eve, they waz in use. The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and hisstory tells ov a grate ekspert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and travelled all over the Olympian country. I have seen them miself with only one wheel on them; theze had two handels, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove moshun. Theze were first diskuvered in Ireland, and I think are kalled " wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that. This is all i no about the velocipendo.