Wit and Humour.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 5, 8 December 1869, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Ip you wish for “ flawt’s Base,” naver look to “ Marry Gold. ” “ Sirrah,” says a justice to one brought before him, “you are an arrant knave.” Says the prisoner, “Just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two. ” • • Joshs complained of a bad smell about the post-office, and asked, Brown what it could he. Brown didn’t know, but suggested that it might he caused by the “ dead letters." Is Chicago husbands arc said to be so fearful of curtain lectures that they add to their announcements of future movements the letters “ W.P.,” which moan “ wife permitting." As Irishman was called up in a case of assault and battery, and when asked by the magistrate what he said to the complainant, remarked, “ I said to him wid the toe of me hoot, ‘ Go home. ’ ” “ Before I begin to drink, my business is over for the day,” said a tradesman to his friend. “ Quite the reverse is the case with me," replied the other; “ for business is over for the day when I begin to drink.” One of the strongest reasons we ever heard why a married man should get his life insured is, that the money would prove a great help to his wife’s second husband, and might be the means of starting him in business. A lady asked a minister whether a person might not be fond of 'dress and ornaments without being proud. “ Madam,” said the minister, “ when you see a fox’s tail peeping out of the hole, you may be sure the fox is within.” A boy, three years of age, was particularly backward in his tongue, and his parents feared that he would never talk. “Send him to a girl’s school,” said a friend. The hint was adopted, and succeeded beyond expectation, A young Albany girl, after receiving the attentions of a young man for several mouths, abruptly asked him when he intended to marry. The young man said he was not on the marry. She then broke a teapot filled with scalding water over his head. A young lady once hinted to a gentleman that her thimble was nearly worn ortt, and asked what reward she would receive for her industry. He made answer the next day by sending her a new one, with the following lines : “ I send a thimble for fingers nimble, Which I hope will fit when you try it : It will last you long, if it ’3 half as strong As the hint which you gave mo to buy it.” A rich old man died recently, whose young wife had led him a sorry life. He frequently said he would be revenged. On reading the will his vengeance was too well felt. He left all his property, about 100,000 dollars, to his wife on condition that she passes every day from 8 a.m. to C p.m. in his tomb. Should she miss one hour, the whole fortune reverts to the natural neirs. She thinks this is asking tomb-much. In a great storm at sea, when the crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter. Being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it, he said—“ Why, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain's red nose wdl make if it comes into the water.” This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirit, and by great exertion they brought the vessel into port. A traveller in Arkansas found the following notice on the ferryman’s door at Cache River : “ Noatis—Ef enny body dims hear arter licker. or to git akross the river, they can ges bio this hear horn, and ef I don't cum why my Betsy up at the Hons beers the horn hlowlu, shelecum down and sell them the licker or set them akross the river, ime away from beam John wilson. *V. B. —them that can’t rede will go to the House arter Betsy taint but haff a mile there.” The Oat.metkr.—A Philadelphia drayman has invented a machine for feeding 3 quadruped in a hurry. To eat a peck of oats occupies his mule about three-quarters of an hour. The machine in question turns with a crank* The mule sits upon his haunches and straightens out his neck. A peck of oats are then slung into him at a single revolution of the cylinder, inside a minute and a-qu-arter. The inventer terms the apparatus an “oatmeter.” This genius is now at work on one to he used in hotels, steamboats, railroad meal-stands, and second-rate hoarding-houses. A droll fellow, who had a wooden log, being in company with one who was somewhat soft, the latter asked tke former how he came to have a wooden leg. The fellow answered, “Why, my father had one, ami my grandfather had one, and my great-gi’.andfather had one, and his father before him—and the plain truth is, it runs in the blood !" jit velocipede. T envy not his gallant steed That man who doth bestride For I have a velocipede Which I prefer to ride. (i)n, on we go* machine and load, And never stop to bait ; Toll-free, along the turnpike-road We clear each turnpike gate. To keep a hobby-horse like mine,. You need not keep a man ; You pay no tax, so, I opine, It is the bettor plan, No paddock he requires, on grass: At seasons to be fed ; Ne’er comes, in stable, to the pass* Of eating off his head. He never jibs, lie never shies, He never runs away ; He never, stumbling as ho flies, Goes down, as though to pray. For why ?—Because he is with knee* Provided, as with heels,. Therefore no tits of kicking seize Him whatsoe’er ho feels. To mend his pace, no whip, no spur ;• To curb, no bit, no rein ; No- “ tclcqk !’’ wants he to make him stir, Nor“ wo !" him to restrain. ’Uphill wo pull, downhill wo drag, On level ground we speed. . 15**, ha ! ho, ho !my new-built nag I My new velocipede!.