Wit and Humour.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 4, 1 December 1869, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

At the performance of " Dora" the other night in a Western city, when Mary Morrison made her exit to bring on her little Willie of four years, she was shocked to find a lubberly boy of ftt least fourteen, ami as he was the only AYillie at hand, on he must go', though he was well aigh as big as his mother. The Farmer Allan of the play, being equal to the emergency, instead of enquiring " How old are you, my little man ?" endeavoured to remedy the matter by saying, " How old are you, my strapping hoy?" But he failed ; for the boy, who was instructed to say " Four to six," said it in such a coarse, sepulchral tone as to drive the good-natured grandfather to exclaim, " Forty-six ! You look it, my boy, you look it !"— Philadelphia Ledi/er. "What's that?" said a teacher, poiatiag to the letter X, to a little ragged urchin. " Daddy's name.''—" No, no, my hoy."—" Yes, it is, I've seen him write it a good many times." "Look at the ragged hem of your dress, my dear i—■ why don't yoa. bind it over ? M said a thrifty mamma, to her- careless daughter. "I intend doing so, 'ma"'—"Then do so at once, or we shall have words,"—" Oh, no, mamma, dear," said the silly young lady, "I promise to bind it over, to keep the peace '" An eccentric commercial traveller, we'l known .>n the road, lately astonished the ostler at a country inn by addressing him as follows : " Extricate my quadruped from the vehicle, my lad, stabulate him, donate him a sufficient supply of nutritious aliment, and when the aurora-. of morn shall again illuminate the*, oriental' horizon,. I wili award you r» pecuniary compensation Ikir your amiable hospitality." " I went in to bathe," said a Yankee ; " but before I was long in the water I saw a huge,' double-jawed shark making rapidly towards me. What was to be done ? When he was within a yard of me, I faced round, dived under the shark, and taking a knife from my pocket, ripped the monster up."—''But did you bathe with your clothes on ?" asked an astonished listener. " Well," answered thestory-teller, reproachfully, " well, T do think you needn't be- so tarnation particular .'" Although the " flush times" have passed away on the Mississippi, they still have- some queer customers on the river boats. On a recent trip of the Hiidiflver, crowded with passengers, the clerk had allotted the last state room, and was about to close Ids o'Tice, when he was astonished by the apparition of a tall Missonrian, who exclaimed, "Is.iv. stranger, T want one of them chambers."—".Sorry, sir," said the official'. blandly, "but our staterooms are all taken." —"The doose they are."'responded Missouri': " I've paid my fare, 'h I want ono of thorn chambers." -'* Allow me to see your ticket." said the still polite clerk. Putting his hand behind his neck, th=; passenger pulled out a ten-inch bowie knife, and elrivin? it qnivr-ring info the counter. said, -' I'm from Pike couhtv, vni; T i<: fs'ler. and (bar's mv ticket. T wont one of tliom ch-amlics.'' Hefore the steel bad ooaped to vibrate. the promnfc 'derk qnietlv thrust a loaded nnd capped .<>i'Taliooter under Pike's nofc. and c<ollv answered", " Tve got. ordv si\- ' chambers.' ond you see they are all full," The Mtssntirinn edired out of range, and pn+tinp un his " toothpick," muttered something between his teeth, and strode off to find such quarters as he could find. Curran. who was Master of the Polls in l re - Jaml in 1811. tells a characteristic anecdote of a |S£jS£S BMMMJMJ^ernt. he a hanged,,