Facetiæ.

Clutha Leader, Volume IV, Issue 207, 28 June 1878, Page 7

Facetiæ.

" A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest v.en?'

What is a hoy's idea of the shortest out to manhood ? — A short pipe. What kind of flower puts you most in mind of a mouth ? — Tulips (two lips).

A Nevada newspaper says of a roan who has sued it for libel that " he petitions the court to stitch a golden patch over his rent reputation." " Foregoes " was the word'given out at a written spelling exercise in Aberdeen ; and one little boy handed in " Go, go, go, go,"

We often hear of a man "being in advance of his age," but who has ever heard of a woman being in suoh a predioament ?

An old baohelor explains the courage of the Turks by saying that a man with more than one wife ought to be willing to faoe death at any time. Five thousand broom-handles a day are made in Shiocton, Wis., and the married mala Shioctoner never stays out at night longer than nine o'clock. A popular clergyman recently gave a lecture on " Fools." The tickets of admission were, inscribed " Lecture on Fools. "Admit one." There was a large audience.

A lady who has a great reputation as a Mrs Malaprop returned to town the other day from the continent; and found her husband awsjy in the country. " I really am the most abandoned woman in London ! " she observed.

When Englishmen - first gaze upon Niagara, says an American contemporary, they exclaim, '.By Jove ! " Western men say, *< Thunder ! " People from the rural districts, "By Jiminenie ! " And the brides — bless 'em I— say, " Oh, hold me, Gwarge 1 " A Highland schoolmaster was called upon to help the great men of a Scotch town in drawing up a petition j and, as the chief magistrate was some five or six feet in circumference, he was not a little disturbed when he read the heading — ** To the mare and body corpu*** lent"!

The other morning a happy father led his two little boys into the room to see a wee stranger who had arrived during the night. " What do you think of tho new baby, Tommy ?" Tommy screwed his mouth around, and gave the startling reply that he " rawer have caats— free brue ones and free yellow ones." It is said of Mr Solomon Isaacs that, having purchased a coat cheap, he asked his son's opinion of it. Young Ikey began tearing away the lining, when the father smacked his. head and asked him what he meant by spoiling the coat. " Oh," said Ikey, ' it's only the inside that interests me ! I never get the coat until it's going to be turned."

It is a practice on some of the American railroads to allow clergymen to ride for half-fare. Recently a clergyman received a half-fare travelling card, as they are called, and wrote to the superintendent asking "> if he could not embrace his wife also." The superintendent replied that he thought it likely he could, but that he did not want to say positively until he had seen the wife, as he was a little fastidious in his tastes. Some sheep belonging to a farmei? named Reed having been stolen in the neighbourhood of a colliery village in Durham, while the thief was still undiscovered, a local preacher, having a collection to make, thought he would turn the event to good account j so he said, " We have a collection to make this morning, and, for the glory of Heaven, whichever of you stole Mr Reed's sheep don't put anything on the plate." Of course everybody joined in the collection.

There was a law once in Boston against smoking in the streets. A tragedian strutted about the city one day puffing at a cigar. Up walked a constable. " Guess your smokin'," he said. " You'll pay two dollars, stranger." " I am not smoking," was the quick responce; "try the weed yourself j it isn't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar, ahd out came a long puff of white smoke. " Guess you'll pay me two dollars," said the actor quietly. " Wai," replied the constable, " I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'poae we liquor ?" The other evening a traveller endeavoured to walk into an hotel, temporarily closed for repairs, in a town out West, but was unable to effect an entrance. " That house .is closed, mister," said a pedestrian as he passed along. The traveller banged away at the door, and the pedestrian" called out, " You there, that house is closed." The traveller twisted away at the knob, and once more the pedestrian called out, "I say, that house is closed." Don't you suppose I know- it, you idiot?" roared the traveller. " What I'm trying to do is to open it 1"