Facetiæ

Clutha Leader, Volume III, Issue 143, 6 April 1877, Page 7

Facetiæ

"A lifctlrs nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest man." . <* . - There is a good deal of sound preaching- which is only sound. Domestics - Magazines. — Wives who blow up their husbands There is one thing- that don't mind pinchitvgy and that is snuff. Folks don't " fail" now-a-days. They " ask the advice of their creditors " .Many a man who pretends to dislike pastry always has his finder in everybody's pie. A triend has a dog- so very serious that even his tail has not the least bit of a wag 1 about it. A Yankee editor says that modesty is a quality that highly adorns a woman, but ruins a man. '• Time works wonders." a woman snid when she w:is married after a thirteen years' courtship. Ihe man who was " moved to tears" complains of dampnpss of the premises, and wishes to be moved back again. '* Was not her death quite sudden ?" said a condoling friend to a bereaved .widower. " Well, yes, rather, for hor." A fop, in comp-mv, wanting his servant, called out, " Where's that blockhead of mine ! M " On. your shoulders, sir," said a lady. Says a Yankee editor — " Who drinks all the whisky mad^ iv the United States is what staggers us." It is enough to stagger anybody. A. pert little girl boasted to one of her little friends that *' her father kept n carriage." " Ah, but," was the triumphant reply, " my father drives an omnibus " A clergyman recently aroused his sleepy audience by asserting- in the , most positive manner that, " notwithstanding the hard times, the wages of sin had not been cut down one iota." Message boy to shopkeeper — " Can you tell me where Mr Bang* stays ?" Shopkeeper — " Yes ; come out here and I'll show ye. Do you see yon third lutn ?" " Yes." '" Well, yon's his door." Tn the " Council of Four" a book is described as leaves plucked from the tree of life ; a repository of visible rhought ; ' the raft on which an undying genius ■floats down the stream of time; brain preserved in ink. Ward Beecher is reported to have said, in one of his sermons, " I tell you : this, a costermonger's horse is missed . more, and there is more real mounring over its loss, than there is over the loss of a hundred ordinary men." Quin was one day lamenting that he grew old, when fi shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, " What wouM you give to be as young as 'I am ?" "By the powers," replied Quin, " I would submit to be almost as foolish !" The late editor of the Stirling Journal and Advertiser camed the following notice to be posted in a prominent position in 'his -sanction sanctorum : — " Noth-ing-is worse for those who have business than the visits of those who have none." An exhibition was given in FTingham, Massachusetts, by Tom Thumb, at which prices were 25 cents for those over ten years of age, and \2% cents for tho<e under. ft was Johnny's tenth birthday, and his . cousin May, aged thirtfp.n, thought it to be her duty to celebrate it by taking him in the afternoon to s«e the dwarf. Arriving at the door she put down 38 cents, and asked 'for two tickets " Flow old is the boy ?" inquired the ticket-seller. " Wf.11," replied Miss May, " thisis his tenth 'birthday, but he wasn't born until late in the afternoon." The vendor of the tickets accepted the accuracy of the averment, and- handed her the proper certificates for admission. But it was a close fit. " Speaking about mules," 'remarked a six-footer from Harnett County, as he' cracked his whip at ma? : kpr, " I've got a mule at home which knows as much as I do., and -T want, to 'hear somebody say. that I'm half a fool." No one said so, and he went on. '" I've stood around ■here -and heard men blow about kicking mules till I've got disgusted. When you come down to kicking, I want to bet on my mule. A friend came along, and took dinner with me the other day, and, as he seempd a little down-hearted, I took him out to see Thomas Jefferson, my'chnmpion mule. I was telling- the good man how the mule would Hop his -hind-feet -around, and ; he swid he'd like to see a little .fun. He'd passed 'his ■xy hole lite in the South, but had never seen a mule lay his soul into a big time at kicking. We'll," he continued, after' borrowing ' some tobacco, " I took Thomas out of the stable, backed him up agin a hill, gin him a cuff on the ear, and we stood back to see the^amuse-m-en't. It was a good place to kick his durndest, and what d'ye s'pose he did 1 ? In ten minutes by the watch he was out 1 of sight. In. five more we couidn';t feel him, vyith a twelve-foot pole,, airland — -— " The crowd heg-an to yell and sneer, and the narrator looked around .and asked,.;." Does .anybody think Dm ' lying ? Would I ' lie for one mule 1 Right here under -in y arm is a pound of tallow candles which are to light the hole fbr-tWe'-to go in after Thomas'; and ■ f got word an hour ago that, the hindfeet of a -mule were sticking out of a hill thirty-nine mil«s~as the bird flies from where my mule .went .in ! I'm shaky on religion, gentlemen, but our family , never had a liar an it." — American ; Paper,