Facetiæ.

Clutha Leader, Volume III, Issue 131, 12 January 1877, Page 7

Facetiæ.

f. A.iitHn nonserise-iftw; aftd,then, Is relished by, the wjnesKiijou.'-'

A Westfleldinn has- named his mule Maxwelton. '.Hui/Ah^iW^llfbors ' don't think that . ?*' Mai^elion'a 'braes are bonny.", „ AA A AA : '' AAA', ..

Artificial butter making has never proved a success. ; the 'difficulty lies in putting in the -hairs so ■.- that, ; they look natural. * a,v\h

A clergyman , w.bp-se.' jsci'tnonS ex* ercised a soporific -H-ffect on one of his parishioners, . was sent, for, tpvcalw him when the doctors 7 had' found the strongest opiates' Useless. *' Here is a, model verdict ofa coroner's jury:--" We do -believe, after due in« quiries and According ;to our best Knowledge, tliat wo (lo not know how, when, and where the said infant oama to its dfluth." . •■■, -A '

There are people in Chicago who are pleasantly referred .to as "" eighteencarat frauds.",*,; They, are men who profess. Christianity .and *_ charge ten per cent, commission for passing round the plate in church.. . --- •-...' *-, [A

A fashion note In an exchange tells iiis that slin kin ess in white* dresses i« not fashionable!,,, .We*always frit certain of it, even before w;e. saw" the, item, and now our belief will he fully as soon as we learn wtiat.slinkiness is.

A Yankee editor says,. ." If the party who plays the accordion in .this vicinity *' at nights Will only change his ttine occasionally, or sit where we can scald him when the engine has steam on, he will hear of something to his ad* vantage." ._..**. A farmnr, the other day, wrote to a New York tnerchant, aslriog how the former's son was getting along, and where he slept at nights. The merchant replied, "He sleeps ih the store in the daytime. I don't know where he sleeps nights." When Pope, the great poet and satirist, was dying, a friend, just come in after the physician (who had spoken encouraging*lv of his case) had gone, inquired how he did, "I am dying, sir, of a hundred good symptoms," was the characteristic reply. If the money which our young men throw away every day for cigars were devoted to charity, every man, woman, and child, in Rome,' could have icecream for supper, and the stomach-ache and three kinds sof cholera medioine before morning.-^Rome Sentinel.

Lips nnd.Hefed.--r" I have the reputation,'' said a silly fop to* a- bright young lady, " ot having tne softest lips that ever pressed those of beauty." " Indeed !"' exclaimed the young lady, spontaneously adding, "Then as like as two chips are your head and your lips." One or the othet.y-"> Look here, mamma-," said a young* lady just commencing to take lessons in' painting, " sco my paintings -can you tell me what it is f * Mamma; after looking at some time answered*—^ Well, it's either a cow or rosebud {I'm sure I can't tell which." '■■*.■ ,';;" An Atlanta man walked around all day recently with a grasshopper in hia ear. When his wife. discovered it*, he said he had been hearing peculiar noises, all day, but thought a new steam sawmill had begun operations somewhere in the neighborhood. A would-be school, teacher in Toledo recently replied to a -question by one of the examiners j V Dp; you think the world is* round or fiat"?" by saying, ,v vVtail, some people -think one way and some anot.iier, and _■;.' Pit teach them round or, flat just '"la's the parents please." „ - r How to getat the Whiskey,-— "I say, Sambo*," said one Virginian * darkey to another, "can; you answer this con-underfrum-r-S'posm* I gib you a bottle ot whiskey corked-shut with a cork, how would you get ;de whiskey out without puilih 1 * the cork'br breakin' de bottle f" " I gibs dat vp k " "Why, push de cork in.*.', During the recent "occulation" of Saturn by the Moon, or^ in other words, when the Moon passed bt.'fsVeen S-iturn and the Earth, several astronomers,, who were watching the , phenomenon with particularly strong telescopes, sny they distinctly heard' the people of Saturn yelling " Down in front i" to the matt in the Moon* During these cool; breezy mornings*, when the air seems fresher and the fields are bespangled with dew-dia-monds, when all Nature seems to invite man toa.rprap, how pleasant it is, just as the. first streaks of daylight steal through the shutters, for the re* freshed, _. rein vigora ted sleeper to turn over in bed, and .take; another imp* Candid oh both Sides. -**•- When Df Johnson asked the- Widow. Porter to be his witie^ .he' told her candidly that he Was of a mean extraction, that he bad no money, and. -'■ that he had a uncle hanged. The widow replied she cared nothing for his parentage^ that she hud no money herset^and though she had no relative hanged) she; had fifty that deserved ; hanging-,' So, they made a match ofit*'... ;lf . V It was in Omaha. A lawyer Was addressing the i judge, iand the judge was eating peanuts and reading a noveh The lawyer bWe-it',. for: gome time, and ! then -angrily. M-emarkeci {'^"'I suppose f am entitled to claims; the' attention of i' WelJ^sirl'^etoi'ted the **■■ J u^o e >- " the-court.lhas Tbtig suspected t : you, ' and 'wili do its duty /the firaf chalice it nets," Ay.i A.'. ■ ■■ \'~ A: " \ '-i '-' *** : *'