JOSH BILLINGS' SENTENNIAL ALMINAX.

Clutha Leader, Volume II, Issue 91, 6 April 1876, Page 7

JOSH BILLINGS' SENTENNIAL ALMINAX.

Josh Billings' Alminax for 1376, the " Sen*tenniat" year, kna -just been, issued by Belford Bros., Toronto, price fifteen cents. • The following is a specimen of its contents : — WORDS BY TUE HUMOROUS SAGE. it aint no lcralit for cnny man, to work for nothing, and board himself. . Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git; -,'.., Lazy men, and black Suits, arc allwuss hunting .for a job, Mice very seldom ciuh out of a hole that iz dussly watched. Don't keep but one dog ; no one but a pauper lean afford to keep three. The best bill ov faro i kno ov, is a good appetight. There iz now and then a fool so well- bred that lie is really quite endurable. ' -Kards, whiskey, and boss racing, bring all men down to the same level. Whiskey makes a great menny wize men to-day iind phools torn -morrow. . Ho who aims at perfekshun will probably miss the mark, but lie who aims at nothing, iz sure to hit it every time. The man who' life been waiting'for the last 15 years for suinthiug to turn up, izto work on the same job yet. I fully believe in ghosts, but I never hard yet tiv two persons seeing the same .ghost, at* the same time. Gosip that iz travelling arroumi loorjo iz a lio, ov will be, bi the time it haz changed hands once more. Don't never trust a man at tho rate of 50 cents on a dollar— if *yu leant konfied in him at par, let him slide.

The fust S notes'! enfWsed i had io^dixy, and i hope'it will be jiss so with the next 3.

Mankind kan be divided into two keeps, and not wrong them much : a heap ov geese aud a heap ov ganders.. 'Nover promis a boy a good whipping and disappoint him ; if. you do, ho will soon lose allkonfidancein, yd. If yu are going to make amusements a stiddy b'zness, ketching flics is az good as onny. Don't cry for spilt milk, yung man, but pick up yure pail and milking stool, and go for tho next cow. To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell tho truth about him sumtiiues duz. rt'iink it iz good taste, and also good judgment, when a man prays for the sins ov the people that he should count himself in. * -It iz the prudes in this world that need tho riiost watching-; coquets arc too kareloss , to bo dangerous. If yu want to find out tho utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to stop akeing. • ,<* * A boy will ie'arh to sware-wcHin 'just haff the time it takes to lern the 10 commands. Sfcik and Kang, yung mnn ; it is tho last 6 inohos in a race that allwuss wins tho munny. If yu want to find outjusUiow mean, and dishonest, yu ha'v' all wiiis been, git a nominashun, and rim for sum oiliss. Beckoned luv iz like a Reckoned case of tho measles; the pa'shiint iz sure 'to allwuss hay it light. Yu kant hire a man to be hottest- ; if yu do, he will want his wages raised every morning. . The greatest bores in tho world aro those who are eternally trioing to prove lo yu tliat 2 and 2 allwuss makes 4. 'I never knu a man yet who was allwuss watching hiz helfch, to die ■miay where near az soon sur, he cx.pokted 10. . ' . Thedevel allwuss keops the .gide boards that lead to hiz domiuions, fresh painted, aud in good

order, The happyest timo in enny one's life iz the fusb 20 minnittus after, they havo had an akoiug tooth jerk't out. •Imaqinasluui never filled a man's stumak yet ; yu kant git .pork, and beans, by dreaming about them.' - * - <■„* Tharo iz a "grate deal ov ekon'omy that thero iz no profit in. J havo known folkn .to set a largo kfcn on 2 eggs, just to be wiving.. : . 'Persons who "marry after a long and tediou s courtship go inti bizzucss- with just about tho same ahikrata, tliatau old plough boss jogs to church on Sunday. • , One ov the simplest. ways to try menuy men's faith iz, to. ask. them to uubskribo for fixing up the meeting house.

• Lav* is tho greatest pashun ov a woman's harfce ; sho has got to luv sumthiug, either a baby, a nu bonnet, a hip dog, or the heathen.

Most men aife like a hop vino-; if they don't hay sum kind of a pole to klimh, and thon stick to it, thoy won't. promulgate much hops.

Thoso Who arc to p'roUii to enquiro what a thing kosts when they buy it, aro the fust ones to find fault when they come to pay fori!;. .,

I am alwuss mo.ro than half afraid ov tho man ■who kanfc;talk 5 minnitts with me, on any subjekt, without expressing great anxily about my soul: ? .'•-*

La'zynfessifca terrible 'burden to carry, and it iz one ov them kind ov bur. tens that, yo kant dump, if you went to over so mutch.

There iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like; the miniiit't that you begin to flatter them 'then they begin to kik.

* l-Io who elcvateshis prpfeshdn i/5 the best mechanik, whether he pr caches tho Gospol, peddles phisick, or skins eels, fbr a living.

I dont knq which iz tho biggest'phonl, tho man who kan. spend twohowois b« agging about himself or the one who kan sit pashuiitlyand listen to him. .'.'.- --• I konsidcr ail profeshions that arb honest honorabcll.enuff, lrut i hay, thought tliat a travelling koni doktor was tho last ono i should adopt just for the sake by gloi*y. * . : " .

"I hay said .you .are honest, .John," said a gentleman, dismissing a-n, Irish servant, "with a conscience ;. but I have stretched a point in saying you arc. sober."' . "Sur,o,*yo.ur honor -could say I fern frequently sober.'!" .".'.""

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