"Professor Jowler"

Clutha Leader, Volume I, Issue 21, 3 December 1874, Page 5

"Professor Jowler"

AT THE SHOW. The Clutha Show was, as usual, a great success. The attendance was numerous, and the supply of beautiful and gailydressed young ladies spoke volumes in favor of the fertility and resources of this great district. The number of visitors from a distance— principally of the male sex — was unusually large, but could easily be accoun'ed for by their anxiety to air their new clothes, and their knowledge of short-horn cows before the Clutha ladies. Among other dirtiuguisoed visitors, tte names of Peter Penny whistle, Esq., M.P C., Joshua Bluegum, Esq., M.H.R., and that great statesman aud pheepist, the hon. Ramm Leicester, M.L.C., are deserving of notice, as not beiDg altogether unknown to fame and our readers • but although these men are ail deservedly famous and popular, we venture to say that, for intellectual grasp, &c, not oue of them can hold a candle to tbat great luminary of the scientific world, Jeremiah William Jowler, Esq., Professor of all the olpgys, who, most unexpectedly, graced the show with his presence during the day. Where the eminent Professor has been for so long a time, or whence he came, whether he rose from the earth or fell from the clouds, remain to this day matters of dispute. Certain it is that there he was on the 27th ult., alive and well, visible to the eye and palpable to the touch ; verily not a myth or shadow, but a live Professor of flesh and blood and bone — the latter largely predominating. With the activity of body resulting from activity of mind, this great man walked briskly about among the crowd, with his gold-rimmed spectacles on his nose, his cotton umbrella under his arm, and his giant intellect doubtless searching the universe for the why, and the how, and the whence? It may be mentioned in passing, however, that the Professor's attention was not wholly absorbed with questions of an abstruse or metaphysical character. Occasionally, it was noticed bis spectacles twinkled with delight as he gazed, with evident wonder and admiration, on some pretty face—beauty and science in fact led the Professor captive, and while entranced with the one and absorbed with the other, he came into violent collision with a fragment of the planetary system, in the shape of an immense white bull. The Professor retreated, bowing low. The fragment followed, b-00-ing loud. Fortunately for the interests of science, the noble animal having been wellfed during its lifetime, and feeling confident of taking the first prize, was ofa I peaceful and philosophical turn of mind, and having expressed its opinion of the cotton umbrella and its owner by a sniff of i contempt, refrained from -practical hostili-

> ties. The Professor retreated with much alacrity, and a painfully puzzled expression i of -countenance, as if he were pondering ': over the occurrence, and trying ia vain tc , fathom the mystery of the relations ol mind and matter. Here, apparently, was a vast field for scientific research. Mind had run a -tilt against matter — the Pro* feasor against the bull— and proved quite unequal to the shock. We lost sight oi the worthy sage for some time, and when we next saw him it was in tbe main street, and we knew he bad been AT THE ty-ESLEYAN BAZAAR. We knew it, because the Professor bore on his person and in his hands complete and conclusive evidence of the fact. Here at least there was no necessity for ratiocination, or long-drawn, hair-splitting arguments to prove a point in dispute. In his button-hole bloomed a beautiful nosegay, the gift df some bewitching maiden or crafty dame. The gift, did we say? not exactly, for the Professor paid for his nose* gay through the nose with the current coin of the realm. In his hands he carried the spoils of Ephesus— the skilful handiwork * of cunning craftsmen; in fact, the innocent old goose bristled all ever, from head to foot, with penny- whistles, tin trumpets, baby's rattles, and a variety of toys and trumpery too noisy and numerous to mention. From his capacious coat pockets protruded the heads of several apparently half-strangled dollies, some of them crying bitterly, and others squinting and making faces in a manner most dreadful to behold. Attached to his coat-tail, and dangling in the wind, was a pair of babieß' bootees, placed there, no doubt, by some fair Wesleyan, of a satirical disposition, for the edification of herself and friends. In the wake of the Professor a crowd of Balclutha larrikins — fresh from the measles, and breaking out into mischief instead, followed with noisy demonstrations of delight. Now and then, like the Sabeans of history, they fell upon him suddenly with great slaughter (of dollies), and then retreated covered with glory and spoils. In vain the indignant old gentleman brandished his umbrella and glared at them over his spectacles, and cursed them roundly in the language of Demosthenes. Again and again they returned to the charge, and each time some squeaking doll and sounding trumpet proclaimed the result of the sally. Shorn bit by bit, and toy by toy of his attractions, but still clutching his nosegay with frantic care, tbe Professor at length disap ■ peared into the Crown Hotel, attracted thereto possibly by a pleasant sound of knives aud forks, interspersed by an occasional pop, and the usual question " What's yours?" &c. Thither, though greatly tempted, we did not follow him, and we lost right of the sage again until in the evening we found him at Barr's Hall AT THE DRAMATIC ENTERTAINMENT. When we mention thatj there, he had the burly form of the Baillie on oue side, and that of the smallest and liveliest devil attached to this journal on the other, we think it will be conceded that he was supported in a respectable, if: somewhat onesided, manner. When we first noticed the old man he was evidently enjoying himself as well aa he knew how. With the performance of Messrs Owen and Renner he was well pleased. Mr Simpson's Irish delineations and Mr Basting's lecture on 41 Woman's Rights," in the character of a charming negress, tickled him immensely. When the ladies appeared on the boards, however, and sung so encbantingly, then, indeed, the Professor was jubilant and enthusiastic, and his very spectacles glittered with delight and admiration. On seeing his own renowned name in the programme he was considerably staggered, and seemed to be loßt in thought at finding himself in print. His spectacles misled him slighity in the matter, as he did not notice that he was only to appear by deputy. When Mr Taylor announced tbat Professor Jowler would now address the audience, the old gentleman rose with a sweet smile on his countenance, and Would have left his seat to go on the platform, but, fortunately was unable to do so, owing to his inability to get over the "Baillie." Just then be noticed, with dismay, the appearance of Mr Foster in bis own (the Professor's) character, and amid cries of " Sit down, Old Waxworks," &C;, he sank back into his seat, the spectacles escaped from his nose, and his lower jaw fell away to an angle of fifty degrees, as near as one could estimate, without presuming to be mathematically precise. The rough caricature of himself presented by Mr Foster— the academical castume, the meaningless jargon of long-legged words— the *nfffie, and stutter, and nasal twang all Combined to convince the learned man that he was being made game of, and be was furious accordingly. Several times he started up frantically and brandished bis -cotton umbrella, and gave vent to bis indignation in forcible words derived from many languages. Each time he rose, however^ the devil from this office seized his coat tails and with wonderful strength for one ao young and innocent, pulled 'him back to his seat and told him to be quiet, for an old fool. Failing to keep him down, the little fellow at last whispered to tbe " Baillie" to be good enough to sit on the Professor's coat tails. This request was complied with, and the result was tbat , the Professor was pinned to his seat ae , effectually as if a bench of carpenters bad i screwed him down. In vain be wriggled E and writhed and twisted, the cloth fortun- . ately was equaHo the strain upon it, »nc

i it is perhaps needless to say that the fayt draulic pressure exercised by the " Baillie" ; was not at all $nt to a severe test. The > conclusion of the lecture soothed the Prof | feßsor's soul, and during the rest of the eni< tertainment he was subdued and melanI choly. On leaving the hall it was plain ' that he was put out, and seemed somewhat > dubious of his own identity. The fresh f air and a cigar, however, brought him to, 1 and his love of science once 'more asserted i itself. Standing in the -middle of tbe street, with his long legs Wide apart, he swept the heavens with his spectacles until their 1 double focus was brought to bear on the ' planet Venus, in whose condition at present the Professor takes a tender and professional interest. We left him there, in the starlight, in an attitude at once sublime and ridicuridiculous, and we saw him no more. Next morning we learned with regret that he had disappeared as mysteriously as be came. Such is life.