Funnyisms.

Clutha Leader, Volume I, Issue 20, 26 November 1874, Page 3

Funnyisms.

{ How to make a slow,, horse fast.— -Tie^B him to a post.*," " .\ " ~' '" ' "y* --• : - : ;. ; y^JB '■ From the Farmyard.-— A heji isVnW^B immortal, and yet her son never setsllliS Ihe more a woman's, waist is sbapjgl|§B like an hour-glass, i he quicker the sahdllfl of her life run out." ',''. -"■ •_ /_■>.. r: - ; y|f||M The color of the wind was discover^a^H by the man who went but and' foundlij^H • e^' •' ' •-•■■'- --y^"-- '--V-^||fM An Illinois editor returns Ihahks'^rMß a centipede sent to him by mail >f*fon^H Texas, "di being," he says, ".the filBH cent of any .kind that we've .receivedyfo^H several weeks.". ._ . \! ' : :^flß Editing a newspaper is like cafryiii^H an umbrella on a windy ; day* - EveryS^ body thinks he couTH manage,. it..bette|||M than the one at the handle: " ' '"'-^-SB " Six feet in his boots!" exclaimed jS Mrs. Beeswax ; " what willy the ; imJljH pudence of this, world, come to, I wbtfl||j der ! Why, they might as weli WIP me|M that the man had sh^headsjinhis hakfjjjj A Holiday finish,— Landlady (to -p'dtfSH man) : Joe put this lot but. Potman- I§|l He says he has fourpence. Landlady j^j Then don't be so rough. Ask. -.thefji gentleman what he'll have. i Benjamin Franklin's autograph hasj|l reached Michigan, and it makes one f ll feel lonesome to see tears trickling dow^|||| the cheeks of aged ladies as they.', gazejS upon the venerable relic, written bh*f|| paper made in 1869. ' v '^m In court, young Cetchum, am imi-^f^ pudent limb of the law, trying to breaklfl down a female witness's evidence onqpl day, said, " Gentlemen, the witness ori|f|| the stand has brass -enough in her face\?fl| to make a kettle." She- curtly repliedilll " And you've sap enough in your head-ill to fill it."*' •-• ' . ' rrlg "In my fertile country/', said ,a Lei-y fl cestershire man, " you can turn a hprsejil into a field new mown, arid the next t'M morning the grass will be grown above .^ his hoofs." "Pooh! that's nothing," 1 1| cried a Yorkshire man ; " you may turn \ff| a horse into a field in Yorkshire, and /% not be able to find himi next morning." '| A country lass was driving a donkey ~-f| to a fair in Renfrewshire one fine sum- v| mer morning. The donkey was a lag- | gard, and was more intent on cropping ,| the roadside herbage than on " going to /t the fair ;" but the girl did not put her- j self about. Pleasant thoughts of her y| sweetheart were passing through her '|j mind, and she sang gaily to 1 herself. | An Irish labourer overtook her, and as y| he passed, he said, "My darling, you're | as lively this, morning .as if you had | been newly kissed." The happy girlat | once answered, "If ye think, Patj that f| a kiss makes ane lively, 1 wish ye wad y| kiss my cuddy for he's unco stiff this "% morning !" ,' V| The London * Court Journal' gets | the following story from Scotland : A V parish in the kingdom of Fife had for a 'j minister a good man, remarkable for j his benevolent disposition. ' .Meeting ....j one of his parishioners one day, he said, • " Jeanie, what way do I never see ye . in thekirk ?" " Well, Sir," said Jeanie, •• to be plain wi' ye, I haena' a pair o' shoon to gang wi'." " A pair o' shoon, Jeanie ! I'll no let ye stay , at hame for that. What would a pair cost ?" "Aboot four shillin's, Sir." Putting his hand into his pocket, he gave Jeanie the money and went away. Some time after; meeting her again, he said, ( Dear me, Jeanie, I've never seen ye in the kirk yet ; what way is that ?" " Well, Sir," said Jeanie, "to be plain wi' ye. when the weather's quid, and I hae time, 1 prefer gaun to Dunfarlin' to hear Mr, Gillespie." "Oh ! indeed, Jeanie-, lass, that's the way o'tis't 1 Ye might hae gi'eh me the first day o' the shoon, onyway, d'ye no think ?" A female teacher in a school that stood /on the banks of a river once .. wished to communicate to her' pupils an idea of faith. While she was trying to explain the meaning of the word, asmall fishing-boat camelii view. Seizing upon the incident fof an illustration, she exclaimed, "If I were to tell you J that there was a leg of mutton in that '; boat, you would believe me, would you y not, without eyer.seeing it yourselves ?" '-) " Yes, ma'am," replied the scholars. ; " Well, that is faith/'* "said the school- y mistress: • The next day, in order to test % the recollection of . the " lesson, she in- i quired. . . .", What is faith ?" " A leg of-y| mutton Jn a 'boat !" was answered frojmy |1 all yi*aVts of the schbolroom . -$||i_ . | Juvenile' Bahking.— Jem) had offered yj Tom Threepence for his bag of white ..yj alleys and striped taws and Tom, after' 1 chaffering, ,; : hacl consented' Jt6 trade. - But the operation must be a cash one— - J money down, and no credit, rl This was '{ eventually. conceded as the basis of the'-..-* bargain, and Jem held put his'hand for "% the marbles, f* Money first," 'said Tom * I "Marbles first," said Jem. "D'ye -J ..think I mean to _ cheat . •ye ?" , ex- ' | claimed Tom, indignantly.:^ "Don't '-'■"{ know," replied Jem. ..''•Ticklish-^ times. -\ these. .Don't know whom to trust; nor for how "long now-a-days/-' /• ."^Well, then," said Tom^ " there's^Sam, there. You give him your mone_f,. and I'll give " him my bag of marbles, and when he's ' /* got 'em both I'll tell him to r give y you ; y; the marbles, and you'll tell him to gi^i}^ me the threepence, : and' right." ' "Agreed/ 'said :r Jem,.^ancl|| " agreed," said ; Sam^' and' the,^de^ait»^ -were made. T l f. Now, ;h^nd^o^r i ,^a|^:|| both the*f_radersin ; a breat-h^^uf jud{^#| of tljeir. horror wheni ;^m^^k&txa^^ rjoth morte;y heels,, his headcoyerhis j'shqiM cl_ming „ the:as|onishedy^ " special paymejiit'suspen'dM^^ - therewish' t • at 'f^run^'f-Tott^haf oinK^^s "' ' --*" ' ' --••-" -' •"-' Y'^ *^Y\ ■•\YY&^&^o]m