Wit And Wisdom

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 14, Issue 79, 21 December 1949, Page 5

Wit And Wisdom

HIS MISTAKE A psychologist was rather surprised to see a lady entering his office and leading a duck by a leash. “And what seems to be the matter with you?” he asked. “Oh, nothing is wrong, with me,” replied the lady. She pointed to the duck. “But my husband here keeps thinking he’s a duck.” WILLING TO OBLIGE Bailiff: “Who gave you permission to fish here?” Angler: “Major Pepper.” Bailiff: “This is Colonel Chutney’s water. You are half a mile below Major Pepper’s”’ Angler: “Right. I’ll have a smoke until Major Pepper’s water gets here.” NOT PRINTABLE

This best sums up all those malaprop Goldwynisms. ‘ Sam was telling reporters that Gilbert and Sullivan had never been successful on the screen. “Of course,” he added, “I don’t want to knock them because I don’t even know them!” “Can I print that?” asked a reporter. “No,” said Goldwyn, “because when newspapermen quote me they never print the twinkle in my eye.”

THERE WERE DRAWBACKS ■ W'-' “How far is the next filling station?” the motorist asked the farmer. “Nigh unto two miles as the crow flies.” “Well, how far if the darned crow has to walk and roll a flat tyre?” . ‘ , HE GOT THE LINE He picked up the telephone, but found the line busy. “I just put on some beans for dinner,” he heard a woman say. A few minutes later he tried again. The same two women were still talking. “Say, lady,' I smell your beans burning,” he broke in. There was a scream, two receivers went up, and the line was open.

CHECKMATE!

An official was inspecting a newly completed portion of the transCanada highway. He grumbled at everything. The crown was not high enough, the shoulder, tooy steep j the ditches were not deep enough, and so on.

The foreman bore it all patiently. Then he straightened up to his full height and looking the inspector in the eye, asked: “How is she for length?” -I

FEMININE TACTICS ■' “How many chickens have you today?” asked the new customer. “Oh, about six, Ma’am.” . ‘'Tough or tender?” “Some are tough and some tender.”

“Well, I keep boarders. Pick out three of; the toughest, please.” With this unusual request the delighted grocer complied at once... Whereupon the customer coolly laid her hand on the 'others and said: “Then I’ll take these.” IT SOUNDED BETTER Insurance companies often come across unique evasions on the forms applicants fill in. One man, in the space asking the cause of parental death, wrote: “Father was taking part in a public function, and the platform gave way; ending his life.” Subsequent investigation disclosed that his father had been hanged.

County Driving Licences Drivers licences issued in j the Whakatane County last month totalled 29. Tests were conducted, extensions made on 12 cars, eight heavy trade motors, four road machines, two motor cycles, one ,pas-t senger service .vehicle and two taxi-cabs. One application failed to pass the required test.