XMAS LAUGHS

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 10, Issue 64, 18 December 1946, Page 5 (Supplement)

XMAS LAUGHS

SMILE WITH SANTA

JOKES FROM NEAR AND FAR

Just back from two years overseas, our new colonel, a heavy-set, greying ex-school teacher, is already a favourite with his men. Wbile. being chauffeured down the main avenue of camp in his car, the colonel turned his head slowly and- attentively towards three shapely civilian girls. His adjutant at the wheel jested politely, “What—a married man twenty years and just back with his family paying that much attention to a well-turned ankle!” “Major,” chuckled the colonel, “I’m a devoted husband and I’m crazy about my youngsters, but don’t let that fool you. My right eye never did get married.” * * * * The Scotsman had lost a pound note. Sadly he entered the advertising office of a local newspaper and asked this notice be inserted in the “Lost and Found” column: “Lost —a one pound note. Sentimental value.” * * * Stepping off his boat on to the shore of a tiny South Sea Island, the missionary received an enthusiastic welcome from the natives. “Do you people know anything about religion?” he asked the chief. “Well,” was the thoughtful reply, “we got a taste of it when the last missionary was here.” ! * * * * His weetheart had just said yes, and the young mam headed immediately for a jewellery store to buy the engagement ring. He picked up a sparkling diamond and asked its price. “That one is one hundred pounds” replied the jeweller gently. The young man whistled in surprise. Then he pointed to another ring and asked “How about this one?” “That, sir,” said the jeweller still more gently, “is two whistles. * * * * “Doctor,” groaned the patient, “can you cure me of snoring? I snore so loud I wake myself up.” “In that case,” advised the physician, “I’d sleep in another room. * * My Uncle Herbert writes that his neighbour went running to the doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor. “Oysters,” she said. “Fresh oysters?” he persisted. “How should I know?” said the lady. “Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn t you tell when you took off the shells?” “Great Scot,” gasped the lady. “Are you supposed to take off the shells?” « as a va The new solicitor opened his office, and on the second day had his first client. As the latter opened the office door, the solicitor picked .up the telephone, and after a few seconds stated: “Well, tell Mr Jones I will be at the board of directors meeting this afternoon, when the vote is taken. Turning to the visitor, the solicitor asked: “Now, my good man, what can I do for you?” The man gulped. “Me? Oh, I’m just fiere to connect the phone.” An old travelling preacher, encountering many a meal which needed seasoning, always carried a bottle of Worcester sauce with him. At one meal a hillbilly eyed it curiously, then requested some and poured it liberally over a piece of beef which he bolted. Suddenly the hillbilly made a grab at the water jug. Finally he spoke: “Well, sir, you’re the first minister I ever met who carried a sample of hell right with him.”

The girl’s Father: Look here, my lad, my daughter is used to having everything of the best. Would-be-Son-in-Law: I know, sir. I expect that’s why she —ahem —wants me. * * * * Cub Reporter: I’d like some advice, sir, on how to run a newspaper'. Editor: You’ve come to the wrong person, son. Ask one of my subscribers. * # * “And what,” asked the chief of the Cannbial Islands, in his kindest tones, “was your business before you were captured by my men?” “I was a newspaper man,” ered the captive. “An editor?” “No, merely a sub-editor.” “Cheer up, young man! Promotion awaits you. After dinner you shall be editor-in-chief.”