AQUA PURA SAGA

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 9, Issue 17, 23 October 1945, Page 5

AQUA PURA SAGA

HILLCREST OR THE GREAT UNWASHED A LUCID LOCAL LYRIC At a recent conclave of our City the announcement was made that Hillcrest residents used only 38 gallons of water per day per as against 55 gallons per day per head used by those who have their sties on the flat andl luscious land below. A truly astounding announcement if one cares to dissect i*. Hillcresters will naturally perhaps with slightly supercilious sneers: "We conserve, more!" The reply from those on the flat will naturally be: "We wash more!" Be that as it may. We can only say that alter studying several Hillcrest necks; this morning, they seem., ed clean enough (on the surface).

But let us once again turn to the electrifying epitome, uttered and which caused this misguided article. How on earth can Flatties (as they shall be known lieretofor) use 17 gallons more per head per day? Surely they don't drink it! But if they do wouldn't drink the same amount? Of course Hillcrester,s might drink their batli watei*, thereby conserving in this direction, but we wouldn't know about that. Flatties water their gardens particularly during droughts. We know this, we've seen them doing it. But do Hillcresters water their gardens? Or are they content to form themselves into a marauding band of cut.throat and brigands, for the purpose bf raiding at night the gardens of the Flatties,' thereby obviating the necessity for gardens of their own? ' The Types Compared Following is a comparison (which true to form is odious) between a day in the life of a Flattie and a ditto in that of a Hillcrest^r.

The Flattie type, Avbom we shall call Humblebothom, arises at 5.30 a.m. He. immediately rushes to the tap and drinks, a gallon of Adam's ale. He heats up sufficient for a mugful, and transports 'it joyfully into the bathroom, w r here he. proceeds to scrape the fuzz from his chin. Then he fills the basin to the brim and deluges himself. But Hum. blebothom is a cleanly creature, and accordingly must wash further. He draws off a bathful of Nature's nectar and wallows therein. Of course like all delicate articles in the wash, he must be rinsed, and this calls for a further tubbing in a fresh supply. Then lie leaps from the bath and plunges his body under the shower, wriggling it in ecstasy. Then he consumes a further gallon or two and skips off to work. All through the day, his is continually at the tap quenching his burning thirst removing coating after coating of dust from his tonsils, until finally the live o'clock whistle and Humblebothom commences to homeward plod his weary way. He arrives and turns on the hose leav- '? * ing it tied to a stake in the lawn. He marches inside, and with a shrill coo of joy hurls himself into a veritable orgy of drinking, washing, tubbing, showering shaving teethcleaning etc., till his soul is completely satisfied. |Yes, Humblebothom is certainly a water baby.

Not so Smugson.Smithers our Hillcrest type. Ills breeding and training tells him lie must conserve in this most precious of all Nature's gifts. He arises at 9.30 a.m. He immediately rushes to the front door and drinks in the morning Sun. Then he heats up a little water in a taking great care to condcnse and replace the steam which is given off. He pours it cautiously into an earthenware jar ? and betakes himself to his washroom. He. shaves letting the water dripple from his chin back into the jar. He removes any little patches of soap left, without the aid of water ? and then hurling from his flannel dressing gown, lie stands in a basin, especially designed for the purpose, and carefully sponges himself down with water from the jar. It is caught in tlie basin at the bottom, and he tips it back into the stone jar. By this time f it has become cool ■enough for him to clean bis teeth, and snatching them off the window ledge, he docs so. Then he places the water away carefully and stepping into his limousine, glides off to hi.s office. The. live o'clock

whistle but Smugson-Smithers \ is already on his way home. He r arrives (strangely enough) and with a heartfelt phrase of thanks upon, his lips > betakes himself to his precious water stored away in the earthenware jar in the corner of; the cupboard. He repeats the. process ; of the but with a little , more reserve, and then with a mag. nirninous divides the water amongst his twenty-eight pot plants ■.'£ in various parts of the house. " And so to bed glorious in the Ivnowledge ? that the meter has }:ard_ . ly justified its existence. Thus we note, the types. The one's whole existence is wrapped up ini : ' t water like a goldfish; the other foams at the mouth at the sight of a dripping tap. Now is the time to decide and act accordingly. Which type.are YOU? ( A "or a Smugson. Smithers? Stop Press An item previously overlooked which has a vast bearing on the above article was brought to our notice in the act of going to press. The theory has been advanced that Hillcresters use 17 gallons less water because of the altitude at whichj they live. Proof of this.is in the fact chat the inhabitants oPj Tibe ? who live at postively tremen-i mous altitudes (except where they live in valleys) never wash. They have no need of water, and so the ;i Tebetan Shire Council has decided' j not to install \vater meters till next spring.