THROUGH THE X-RAY

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 05, Issue 76, 10 July 1942, Page 5

THROUGH THE X-RAY

OR A SKELETON IN UNDRESS

(By Thales) For the first lime in my lil'e 1 have won a lottery—l -was lucky enough to be drawn in a ballot for military service. The medical examination AvhL'h followed proves— contrary to an old adage-—-that "while many are calle:l, lew are rejected." If you are <ift high and weigh 1 ! stone, aviHi elastic arteries, a heart like a Swiss clock, and lungs which could do dul\' lor a Tree air pump, the fact that ones grandmother .suffered from diabetes, doesn't save the candidate from being put in class 1. I put g'reat hopes in my diabetic ancestor, but the medico, who is also my family physician showed no interest (why one is asked this question and tiie names and birth places of all ancestors who can be traced back l")l) years is beyond me —probably it is intended to discover W the patient has a hcreditar\ T predisposition to become a fifth columnist) . Dubious Ancestry "Have you or any members of your family been in a mental institution or do you show any traces of insanity," was the next question on the medical questionnaire. Ordinarily I would resent this question as being an intrusion on one's personal liberties, but on this occasion I looked anxiously at my doctor. He shook his head in a non-commit-tal way and instructed the cleric to write, "no." He added that he had known me long" enough to know that I was , normal enough to be an inr fantryman. I was stiii pondering this ambiguous praise when I was .startled to see a fellow victim in the nude, undergoing a pulse test. Willi his left foot on a rieketty chair, and his right on the floor, he was actually trying to sprint. This is a terrific ordeal for anyone with an inferiority complex, and is designed to set the pulses racingit does. The unhappy chap winked foolishly on seeing that I was watching him. 1 smiled encouragement at him. He continued to race. Plis usually blue nose became still bluer. I became anxious for him, and hoped he would survive, as he was the organiser and leading light of a nation wide movement which had been formed in the waiting room in the following manner. Revolutionary Movement At the hour appointed, by the military authorities fifteen of us had congregated at the medical rooms to be examined. At first the conversation languished for want of an inspiration. One whistled, aimlessly through his teeth as though he were unconcerned, while yet another rock* ed back and forth on his heels in the manner of one who takes ballots and examinations in his stride. The youngest and only single man present kept wiping the sweat oft' his hand with a handkerchief. Blue nose was holding a desultry conversation with his neighbour. He raised his voice in excitement. We all strained forward to listen. The burden, of his complaint appeared to be that everyone in the country with the exception of himself, should be in the ballot. Finding little support for this argument he finally condescended to include all married men. Everyone agreed and all started talking. I took the chair as all said I looked impartial. Blue nose contended that a strong virile organisation was required to .stem the insatiable demands of the military authorities for manpower. He, it appeared Avas a strong healthy man who had never had a day's illness in his life and it seemed certain that he would, as a result of the medical examination, be graded Al; in which ease the country's productive power Avould be still more weakened. All that was required was strong leadership and unity. All should remain adamant and refuse to further weaken the country's second line of defence. Some sacrifice would be needed but he was prepared to go to jail or even to Strathmore. Fate of the 'Henpecked' At this statement there was prolonged applause, and everyone looked admiringly at him. (After all it is not every day that one gets the opportunity of listening to a future Cabinet Minister, and we felt we were in the presence of the great). The , orator continued that it Avas necessary to have a slogan, and he Avould propose the following: "Hands ofl the married men." At this the •single man demurred and threatened to "blow the gaff" on the proceedings unless the scope of the proposals Avas broadened. With the true politicians instinct for subordinating principle to expediency "Blue nose' , changed the slogan to "Hands

off the remaining men," and incriminated the single man by moving him into the secretaryship. The single man failed to appreciate the strategy behind this move, until after he had accepted the position; but by then it was too late so he resigned himself to Ms fate, and wrote the minutes of the meeting on the back of his cigarette papers. A Weak Heart . . . At this stage the doctors having finished a long talk on the Libyan situation, had a cup of tea and decided to start the examination. This proved a lengthy business so we adjourned until it was over. On meeting again, all had been examined except.Blue nose, who finally trotted out, looking radiantly happy and covered in smiles. I suggested that his pleasure was the result of having survived the pulse test, but lie discountenanced this, and informed us that lie had been declared totally unfit. "Delayed tion of the heart." He offered to show us his pulse missing a beat. No one was interested. I tactfully congratulated him for having D.A.H. and cautiously reminded him that he had certain obligations towards our organisation. He became profuse with apologies, and regretted that the doctor had forbidden him to do anything calculated to upset his heart. In Liquidation The single man sneered at him. but the embryo politician was too happy to notice and eventually waltzed jauntily away. I decided we had better go into voluntary liquidation—all agreed. The single man ruminated on the inconsistencies of human nature and said that the Minister of National Service mightn't be so bad after all and that anyway, there were thousands of others who had gone before us—Ave all agreed and dispersed. I proudly told my wife that the "Area Officer" had praised me for being A.l. (he consoles everyone that way) but she only laughed and remarked that it was a good j,ob tlic medical examination did not have a firewood cutting contest. I resent a woman's humour—it only runs one way. I object to anyone seeing through me, so I intend to get a photo of my skeleton which Dr. Dawson took 011 his wonderful X-ray machine and present it to her on her next birthday. Since writing the above I have decided to borrow some more copies of my skeleton from Dr Dawson to present to one or two people who want my identity. They see a sinister appearance in my humour; it would be interesting to know if they (ind anj-thing humorous in my sinister appearance. Perhaps they Avill want some hide to go with it—they may get it—but only at a pricc.