MOTORING HN

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 226, 24 September 1929, Page 17

MOTORING

HN

BURLESQUE.

IfIOTORING ABSURDITIES. WYNDHAM LEWIS GOES TO THE SHOW. IMPRESSIONS OF OLYMPIA.

One of England's best-known humourists, D. B. Wyndham Lewis, gives a highly amusing descripticn of London's last motor Olympia. He said: — "At the request of Otis P. Boomer, now in New York, from whom I received a wireless message desiring, me to put him wise to the latest developments in the British automobile industry, I immediately made a tour of this:year's motor show at Olympia. This being an expert review of the show, it is. possible that a few technicalities may have crept into the main body of the descriptive matter. They are, however, not important, and may be removed with a little benzine. They, do not detract from the value of the. thing as a whole to the serious motorist.

"Year by year the exhibits at the motor show become more significant, all fraught with meaning. The average motorist selecting a new car no longer asks himself as in former years, 'Why?' or 'Of which?'; the question on; the lips of every motoring enthusiast to-day, when brought face to face with a new model, is simply, 'Has this car personality?' or 'What is it saying?' And year by year the number of cars which have only engines and bodies, without personality or character, steadily, diminishes. It is now scarcely possible to -go round Olympia without finding. a car which does not impinge at once, on the; sublimated ego • and respond, 'ingreater or lesser degree, to the reaction set-up. in the complex of the beholder;, and in most cases, indeed, a sympathetic twittering of the ganglions is immediately registered, even if th» • reflex' be negative,, and vice versa. Fw«n a large aiimber of cars endowed with this important quality, I selected for description the ! * : :

Fifty-Fifty Grumph (£3500), with

wheels, £3000,

This model has' snaffle valves, geared to; 96 degrees F., and running gimbals cbririected by means of alternating grumriits with the main •■ tertiary bumble spring. The forehand drive is fitted with a synthetic clutch and wheeved, snocketpipes, which reduce fringling of the sbffitbrush and embolism in the whangledrum to a minimum. A Strimble noggin stud differentiating between 56 (x—y) and 65 (x plus y) foot-lbs per minute enables the off-side rumble-gudgeon to work freely„..in-theuvimbracea-and-eli-

minates guffering in the pipple-strainer. A good knock-about car for the man of moderate means.

4g-55 Pumperley,

Another model of the same class is the whose - distinctive feature is a well sprocketed yaffle-chain working in a twofaced systematised chuffer-sleeve actuated by five co-ordinated bupp condensers with aluminium thrusting-bits. A steel whangbar attached to the rear axle-cross-trees enables the driver to accelerate the toof-brush without fear of under-estimating the up-thrust of the buffle-plate, and the reflex actions of the yarp snoother lubricating, the fubbing nut gives distinctive and rhythmic interplay to the three sets of wire-wove grorbles which feed the sliding paff gong budger. . This, like its predecessor, is very reasonably priced at £2500. Those who prefer a somewhat smaller model are advised to inspect the Vest Pocket 2J nimble (£275),

I a handy little car wwlcn folds up and j stows away neatly without disturbing \ the "set" of the waistcoat. Women i motorists are enthusiastic about the Mimble, which when not in road use may be used as a blotting pad. The steering pillar has hollow-ground fcum-ming-sheaves, which enable the mam snifter to be actuated direct from the foreward thruple shaft,- and also enable it, when not in action, to be used for knitting fancy vests, etc. The model (£325), which has interlocking garbagevalves, and is slightly more convex snudge-box, has a patent Vumson sozzer, by means of which the chassis can be used as a sewing machine, an egg-whisk, or a sugar-sifter. A rather more sportr ing type is the - which is becoming increasingly popular among agriculturists. The engine of this handsome model is triple-gove, and a highly-atomised drubbin-pipe connected

by ratchets with the central frumblevalve enables the blades of the reduplicatbr to be used for slicing turnips and addressing envelopes. The 1925 model of this popular car is specially trained to follow its owner, and a patent Wumming rooging-bolt directed from the camshaft by means of these sensitised Uffor snog-weaves permits of the chassis being used as a milk separator and warming pan. On the back axle being lifted and the quaternary simmer switched back in line with the binomial yubbing-docket and alternating current connecting with the Wamble triple-seamed amplificator sets up a highly peptonised nodular metabolism of the brubbiling-tube and enables the engine -to be detached- and used as a hairbrush. The hydro-carbur-ettor may be used for breeding hens, and a racket attachment to the Peabody three-ways fingering fan makes it possible to unship the unmeter and use ifc as a masMe. "

Professional men, especially doctors, will probably find much to interest them in that useful runabout, the s*-6* P™t (£225). Thi« car is tested to 67.9. degrees, and turn red-litmus blue. A chuff body attachment to the central nodule of the magneto slide enables a circular saw to be fixed for running surgical or fretworking purposes, and the patent lobson dynamic slugger has a flush-gooble valve at one end, enabling chloroform * to be pumped down the patients throat without stopping the engine. A dial on the driving board, registers blood pressure, strength of grip and heigrfc above sea level, and a distinctive f-jxture of the aiive is the amorphous a-iture : of reversing quammit-pin. Instead of being, as in most cars of this type, worked directly from a loosely geeved-gummitcr revolving round a rurble-shaft, this mechanism has,a patent stummick connected with a plus differential and set in motion by the self-starting nug of tne feed-arm actuating blobber. A feature of this year's show is the number of useful accessories attached to small, reasonably-priced .cars. Among these models is tlie 6-7-8 Tutling (£95), . which has, in addition to-two seats, a collapsible hip-bath, a Man Jong cabinet, a cleverly combined trouser-press and

egg-boiler, two book-rests, a pencil sharpener, and a set of Browning. 1 could find only one thing lacking in this marvellous little car, and that was the engine. Next year its enterprising makers tell me they hope to supply thU as well for very little more than the present price. "The last of this year's car I intend to discuss here is a model which will appeal equally to the gardiner, thq animal-lover. This is the

30-40 Buffer (£595), the only car in the show so far .is I could see, which can be said displays absolutely fifelity to its owner, and which can at the same time hoe a flrtld and hush a baby to sleep. The Norkcr patent nackleplug is responsible for this. Geared to the faffer-case and connected with a minimised galvanometer to the driving band of the stugging-cog, it slides up and down the shafting of the combustible snooter-crank and sparks freely into the internal compression chamber, whence it is driven out again by a series of sharp explosions into the shubbing-piston, and then through the gimble-pump into the gab-shaft; and what happens to it after that I neitherf" know nor care.