THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 225, 23 September 1929, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) THE PETITION. "Arc we to have women police ?" —An M.P. «sr O !»_The Minister in charge of police. Stny, Mr. Wilford, hold thy hand ! And in your clemency Kecall your most emphatic word Regarding Jane P.C. , Twelve weeks ago, I grieve to stato. Some sweets were sold on one day, "Twopennyworth of acid drops, And that day was a Sunday! ■ Consider, sir, these gruesome deeds, Oh, send some p'licemen after The criminal indulging in A hearty burst of laughter. Oh give us new and larger gaols, With dark and small partitions, For criminals who dare to smile At any politicians. Let many constables patrol Each wicked urban beat, Preventing each pedestrian From walking any street. Oh, that I might believe the tale (A circulating rumour) There's seven years' hard for anyone Who has a sense of humour. Auckland is disturbed about the possibility of "bachelor flats" because they may be too full. London is disturbed about "luxury fiats" because a lot of them are FLAT DWELLERS, empty. In Mayfair the building of luxury flats has been so great that those the owners ask £2500 a year rent for are not all going off. It is pointed out that flats equally lovely can bo hired in less fashionable parts of the metropolis for £200 a year, but that there are those who don't mind paying- £2250 extra for tho luxury of having "Mayfair" on the top of their notepaper. Builders of these luxury flats complain that you can get anything in the world in London barring enough millionaires to fill up their buildings. Confirming the M.A.T. dictum that the passion for ablution is not universal and that lots of people prefer an early Victorian grubbiness, here comes the THE TUB. cabled word of Ben Turner, Under-Seeretary for Mines. Ho was disgusted, bathhouses having been provided for miners, that some went home without washing themselves. Late into the reign of Queen Victoria it was only the wealthy who braved the altogether and were wholly saponaceous each day. If you dive back to pre-Victorian history you find no mention whatever made of complete ablution. Pepys complained bitterly that his servant girl, having washed his head (amidst much merriment at the novelty) he got a severe cold. A decade ago New Zealand mine owners provided some miners with cottages having bathrooms. The directors afterwards complained that they wero all allowed to get out of order. Naturally the native born will be able to retort, "Ah, but most of the miners were imported!" Many people have noted the reluctance of the hornyhanded to ' undergo the modern martyrdom. Bindle, of whom you may have heard, in order to deceive his wife into the belief that he was having a bath, made splashing noises and poured the bathwater through a hole in the floor, being careful that no spot touched him. A pictorial commentator showed the working man and his family in the bathroom of a house they intended to occupy. "O\v," says 'Any, "'ore's a blinkin' barf room! Wot can we use it for, Liza?" ,

"Is it possible for a man five feet six in height, weighing eight stone six and wearing number five shoes, a silk muffler and hornrimmed glasses to track POLICE ! to his doom a murderer?"

asks a correspondent. "Under our Xew Zealand police regulations it is unthinkable. A detective must ba of police size, for he must have been a constable. It is therefore clear that the only persons competent to unravel criminal skeins, and having the requisite brains for detection, are large men. A further curiosity in a country which is about to fit itself with more police is that when an adequately-sized constable has been drafted to the detective branch and makes good he is promoted back to the uniform branch and is evidently lost to the branch ho knows the most about. The crook is entitled to believe that the official who is likeliest to cross his path will be of. police regulation size and appearance. The boss detective of Paris, according to a photograph recently seen, is about five feet four in height and looks like a prosperous shopkeeper." M.A.T. doesn't know what is done on the Continent, but in England detectives are recruited from the ranks of the police. They tried taking them from outside and it didn't work. Apparently the brilliant "outsider" detective is all very well.in fiction, but not in fact. Accidents are bound to occur even in the best regulated surgeries, and the cabled news that a lady has had a pair of scissors in her body for six years need PATIENT PATIENT, deter no one from becoming a patient. Surgeons themselves joke of fictional cases, and it was a noted operator who told the yarn of tho famous Netley man. He had completed tho operation, the patient being adequately stitched. He collected his implements. "Where are my scissors?" he asked, and, not finding them, searched the interior of the patient, recovering them. Number two stitching ensued. Ho looked round. "There's a swab missing!" he mentioned, counting them. Search again ensued, and, the patient being made comfy after the second search, the famous one made towards the door of the theatre. Clapping his hand to his bare head he shouted, "Heavens, where's my silk hat?" The variant is supplied, by a surgeon who has never made an error yet. He says tho operating surgeon had sewn his patient up before he missed a lancet. He regained the lancet. Having done so, ho found himself short of a pair of forceps. He regained the forceps and once more closed the esteemed patient. "That's all right," he said cheerily to tho interested surgical student who watched the master hand with deep respect. "Yes, sir," said the student, "but don't you think you ought to sew a row of buttons on?"

News comes of an awkward contretemps at an English wedding. Twins were to many twins. Getting mixed prior to the ceremony, the bridegrooms would PLEASE, SIR, have been married to the IT'S TWINS, wrong girls if a clergyman had not rushed to the rescue. Once upon a time in Auckland there was a young man who loved a charming girl. She was one of twins. Her sister was so exactly like her that both used to complain that as children one was often smacked for the naughtiness of the other. The young man above mentioned naturally called frequently at the house of the twins'and seemed to like to do so. One day in a friendly way he discussed with M.A.T. his impending wedding. M.A.T. said, "The two young ladi3S are so exactly alike I can't make oiit how you distinguish one from the other." "I never try!" he said. M.A.T. doesn't know whether he married Alpha or Beta. THOUGHTS FOR TO-DAY. A grindstone that had no grit in it, how long would it take to make an axe sharp? And affairs that have no pinch in them, how long would they take to make a man?—H. W. Beecher. * * * Let us believe that there never was a right thing done or a wise one spoken in vain, although the fruit of them may not spring up in the place designated or at the time expected. —W. S. Landor.