IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 231, 29 September 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

P 'y- For the best anecdote sent in each week a prize of g *Tl<.C p ive Shilling* will be awarded. While in judging ■ Bn f()Y preference will be given to local stories, contribu/j tions need not be original, but in all cases the SB®! BeSt source from which taken should be stated. The ■■ 1 Cf/vMi Editor's decision must be regarded as final All ■ ' OtOTjr anecdotes intended for competition must be B received at this office by the Monday preceding ■ B publication- The envelopes containing contributions must | _ be endorsed with the words "Anecdote" in the top left-hand I corner, and addressed Editor, 'The Auckland Star," Auckland ■ la gi W'i— bb ■(■ *bs33 mm sum bbsb casa ua nJI

This week's prize story comes all the way from England, an illustration of the wide circulation of the "Star." A. W. Henton, "The Oaks," Northumberland Road, Leamington §pa, England, sends: A STORY FOR MOTORISTS. During a flag day one of the pretty and youthful girl sellers approached a sour-looking man who sat at the wheel of a luxurious car.

" Will you buy a flag for the hospital, please ? " she asked. ""No thanks," came the reply. "I contribute regularly to the ho^oital." " Ah," put in the girl, sweetly, " but we're collecting money to-day, not pedestrians. THE REVISED VERSION.

The following announcement was made at a little church not far from Birmingham recently: —

"Will the person who wrote in the hymn book: 'A shilling each way on Sunny Trace for Wednesday,' kindly remove the page, as the vicar found it very misleading?" DEFENCE. There stood in the dock a big. burly artisarf, a regular Hercules in point of stature, brought up on a charge of assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm. "Prisoner," said the judge, "have you engaged anyone to defend you?" "What's that? I don't want anyone. Come on any half-dozen of you!" PERHAPS. A Scotsman, having heard of the wonderful results obtained by being able to rejuvenate, decided to have a course of this monkey gland extract. xle had to make a long railway journey, and at the station booking office he asked for a single ticket. When asked if he would take a return ticket the Scotsman replied: "No, I may come back as a child." IN DOUBT. They sat at table, he and she, and gazed into each other's eyes, whilst he mechanically consumed the food which was set before him. "Ah," she said, "I am glad you like it. Mother says that there are only two things I can make properly—potato salad and marmalade tart." "Indeed," he replied, "and which is this ?"

SELDOM MISSED. A certain dear old lady always made it her business to visit the poor patients in the hospital of her town. On one occasion she approached a much bandaged individual who was sitting up in bed, and after a little preliminary talk she said to him, /erv feelingly: "I suppose your wife must miss you a good deal!" "No, mum." came the prompt reply; "she's got a wonderful aim for a woman." A CLEVER RETORT. Whilst running past an antique shop, a Final 1 boy accidentally knocked a figure of Napoleon off a stall outside. He regarded the smashed figure for a raouipnt, then very gingerly picked it up. The arm had been broken off. At that moment the shopkeeper came running out. "What am I going to do with that?" he shrieked. "It's useless now, you clumsy idiot." "No, it ain't," replied the boy. "Knock his eye out and say it's Nelson!" THE STRONG REASON. A young barrister was bubbling over with pride and enthusiasm at his lirst case. • "Now," said he, addressing the defendant, 1 you say you came from Liverpool to London merely to look for work. I put it to you there was another, a stronger motive that brought you all this distance?" '"Well," hesitated the defendant, "there was." "Ah!' cried the barrister, triumphantly, "and what was it?" "A loco-motive," replied the man. THE RETORT COURTEOUS? Miss Penink wasn't very popular in the office, and had been cautioned bv the head male clerk, and at last "reported" to the boss. As she came back into the office from the "carpet," she "set" the head clerk with a fixed stare. "Why are you looking so fixedly at me, Miss Penink V" "A cat can look at a king," she said. TJut I'm not a king," replied the head clerk. Then she began to cry. TACTLESS. All good things come to an end, and there was a burst of clapping as the brilliant pianist finished his last solo. He bowed politely, and after thanking the audience was about to leave, when a gentleman approached and presented a cheque. This the pianist refused, saving that, he would prefer it to be used "lor" some charitable purpose. In that case.' said the donor, '"1 suppose you wouldn't mind if we added it to our special fund:" "Not at all," said the speaker. "What is the special fund forY"

"To enable us to have better entertainments next year."

Patient: "You are very busy, I suppose, doctor?" Doctor : "Yese, I am." I thought eo. A funeral has passed here every day this week."

Willie: "A man and his wife should be one, but they are not. They are ten." Millie: "How's that?" Willie: "She is one and he is nought."

Alice: "T)o you believe in phrenologyf Jack: "No. As an experiment, I once had my head read, and found there wia nothing in it."

Teacher: "Jimmy, you look pale this morning. Are you ill?" Jimmy: mum; mother washed my face t.hie morning herself."

She: "Really! And he was described to me as a min who only did good things!" He: "Perfectly right. I happened to be one of the good things!"

Housewife: "I should think yon -would be ashamed to beg in this neighbourhood." Tramp: "Don't apologise for it, ma'am; I've seen worse."'

"That's a brave little chap," said an old man to the small boy who sat on a wasps' nest. "You didn't cry at all, did you?" "No-no, sir," replied the boy. "I felt it beneath me."

When the lady district visitor called, Pat and his wife sat merrily sipping from the "cup that cheers." "I trust," she began, "that you have both made good resolutions for the New Year" "Yes, mum," promptly responded Pat. "My wife ain't going to drink any more, and I ain't going to drink any less."

Used To It. Counsel (to woman witness after crossexamination ) : I hope I haven't troubled you with all these questions? Witness: Not at all. I have a small boy of six at home. Friend Indeed. "Simpson was so drunk last night he was boasting of the delightful way his liancee kissed!" "Yeh—but he soon sobered up when Fred agreed with him!" The Foot Rest. A young man had bought a brand new motor cycle, and was demonstrating ita powers to the lady of his heart, who was riding on the pillion. But suddenly the machine began to lag painfully, and try as he might, the was unable to make it go any faster. A swift examination of the yielded no results, and so they started off again.

"I say," remarked the girl, touching him 011 the shoulder, and pointing to tlw brake pedal, on which her foot was firmly pressed, "what a pity there's another foot-rest on the other sidfc Fred." Golden Coins. It was his first visit to London, end Barney was overjoyed with himself. Ha had suddenly found a bright golden coin on the pavement. Another man, seeing the puzzled look on the Irishman's facOj offered him half-a-crown for the coin, and Barney jumped at the offer. Shortly after he mentioned the matte; to a friend in the boardinghouse. '"Heavens!" ga>i>ed the other. "Tha? was a sovereign, it was pound!" Two weeks later Barney once agaii< espied a golden coin lying in the gutter, He crossed over to it. "Xiver again," he murmured. "Thi last time ye cost me seventeen an' ye little chafe:" How He Knew. "Yoyrs is a very healthy town, is if not? 3 inquired the lady tourist. "The most wonderful and health* giving place in the world," answered tha robust inhabitant. "So I have heard," assented the lady. "Do you know, madam, that when first I came here I was &o weak that I couldn't walk, weighed next to nothing and as to my nerves, the least thing would reduce me to tears." "\ou must be blessed with a wonder* ful constitution, sir. Now, 1 " "Madame 1 can see that you are in a weak stat' 1 , that you are ran down. Bat I do as-u-e \ou that you are a giantess compared to what J was when first I came to this healthy place." "Have you. then, been here long, sir?" asked the lady, a faint note of hopq in her voice. "'J, madam'/ 1 was born here!"