MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 154, 29 June 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Old Gent: "Is that Gorgonzola good? "■> Grocer:; "Good! Why, it's unapproachable." : _ Little Willie, tired of play, Pushed sister in the well one day; Said mother, as she drew the water, "'Tis difficult to raise a daughter."

She: "Do thoughts that came to you long ago ever return?"' He (a poet): "Yes—-if I enclose a stamped envelope." "Punctuality," said the octogenarian, "is the thief of time. A punctual man all my life, I believe I have wasted quite twelve years waiting for people." Ethel (from the motor): "What is the trouble, Harry?" Harry (from, beneath): "I'm afraid the boilers-burnt out." Ethel: "Well, never mind. It doesn't show, does it?" Mrs. Tinnemonnay: "Your new saddlehorse seems to be a lively animal." Mrs. Partington: "Yes; it is so spirituous it always starts off in «, decanter." Mrs. Homar (reading): "An ordinary piano contains about a mile of wire." Homar: "Does it? The one next door sounds as though it contained a waggonful of saucepans!" Governess: "You're a naughty little girl, Christabel, to kick your cousin like that." Christabel: "I didn't kick her." Governess: "Oh, hush, dear! I saw you kick her several times." Christabel: "I didn't. I missed her every time." "Half -a ' dozen situations in six months!" gasped the lady interviewing a cook who sought to enter her service. "Alas, mum!" replied Ihe queen of the' range; "where are the good *:-and faith:' ful masters and mistresses, of olden time?" Burns: "So your new play was- performed last night? Was there a call for the author?" Plotter: "There was no general demand for his appearance; but I heard one or two men say that they would like to see the man who wrote it." Miss Brown: "I don't think Mr. Brown likes you to scribble on his wall, little boy." Rude' Boy (who attends' Sunday school): "I don't' care for Mr. Brown, nor 'is servant, nor 'is maid, nor 'is ox, nor 'is ass, nor nuffin wot's is!" Farmer Korntop: "Our Hiram's writin' agin from Faryard . for money fur books." Mrs. Korntop: "Air ye sure, Silas, that he reely wants that money for books?" Farmer Korntop: "Yaas, he says He'll take his path every cent I send him goes to the book-makers." A man went into a chemist's shop and bought a bottle of patent stuff, which was advertised thus:—"No more coughs. No more colds.. 1/1* the bottle." Three days later he went to the chemist, complaining that his throat was stopped up, and that he could scarcely breathe. "I've drunk all that patent cough mixture, and I'm. no better." "Drunk it! Why, that's an indiarubber solution to put on the soles of your boots."

"What is an average?" asked to» teacher. The class seemed to be aisSl ; but a little girl held outherbandS ly. "Please, it's T what■■£Wj«_rE eggs on." Bewilderment foiloVedibnttt, mite was justified: by the.-less6n-hook.i. which was written,/ The. 3,-_'n ; ]ay»'t™ hundred eggs a years on an-^verteeVV NOT PARTICDLAE^ •l Sh 'C r i mar^ d suitor, after the : -investigations* l ban made into your cannot ri™ you my daughter Emma.". • answered the persistent suitor; '.'then - how about one of the .others.*/' 77 A LONG DEUSKF "' At a public dinner the toast-of "Army, Jvavy, and Reserve Forces,";wa6 proposed in rather unusual-tern^:^ the toast, the. i# a toast which requires;. very comment from mc, as which_ you are all familiar.' T&<Aimyand iNavy have been.drunk for very.many, years, and the Reserve. Fqrces\liwe now been drunk for ,somethihg bver-"twenty years." "-. "7 7.--.77 '"-

A SON'OF, TOIL.'-.7 The "people's candidate",was-'TMJCBj' an impassioned appeal for the ispport of the populace. -..'•_' - •'."'._ "Fellow-wofkers," he said, "I'm"* horny-handed son of toil, and hot. ashamed . of. it, either. I'm a .bricklayer, and here's my tools to prove it.'".,".-. Here he exhibited with undisguised emotion a trowel and hammer.arid'tha applause was thunderous. "Pass 'em this way! " cried a. sympathiser. And the tools were accord* ingly pa.ssed. . "Those are the very tools, sir, with which I carved, my way to reiterated the candidate, " and I trusty now that your curiosity, is "satisfied, 1' may count on your support?" . ".. ' "That you may! " was the enthuslas-. tic response. "Anyone as .could lay. bricks with a gardener's trowel, and » carpenter's hammer deserves support! There ain't many as could dolt!" '.'-.'■