METIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVII, Issue 263, 10 November 1906, Page 10

METIER MOMENTS.

\\J«. _ - - ' * -_■- ■ ' ' ■ :. VI- II HAVE PITY ON THE POOR ANIMAL

Aunt: Tommy! How cruel! Why did you cut that poor worm in. two. Tommy: He seemed so lonely.

Assistant: What shall I put under the bride's picture? She's homely as a mud fence. Editor: In that case we always say "accomplished."

First Cigarette Holder: "And er— married and lived happily "together ever aiiber, I suppose ?" Second Cigarette Holder: "Yes, after the divorce."

Old Friend: "Did you pick up any souVenire in Europfe?" Billens: "Yes, my daughter brought a count from one of those antique families over there? , "' ■"' •'

Mrs? Rurale: "Did you ever find a; man under - the ;bed V ■ -Mrs. -Outskirts: "Yes, the night we thought burglars were in the house I found mv husband therel"

Customer: Hew much is this picture? Two pounds ten. —Customer: With the frame?— Dealer: Yes.—Customer: How much without it.—Dealer: Three-and-sixpence.

Joys of Country Travelling.—"Didn't you tell mc the train went at five minutes to eight?"—"No, sir. I said five minutes to wait, and if you'd 'a' waited you'd 'a' caught it.' T

Mrs. Flannigan—"Oi hear that sthrappin Mrs. O'Rourke rules her husband wid a rod ay iron." Mrs. Firinigan—"She do not;- she towld mc herself thot all. she ever uses On him is a rollin-pin."

Customer: "This novel I bought of you yesterday is imperfect. It's put into covers with the last chapter first." Bookseller: "My dear sir, pardon my carelessness. That is one of the special edition for ladies."

Sportsman: "I wonder what's become of Mike? I told him to meet mc here." Driver: "Ach, 'tis no use tellin' him anything! Sure, sorr, ut just goes in at wan ear and out at the other, like trather off a duck's back!"

Lady (to chemist) : Have you any reliable corn, solvent—something you can recommend as a rapid caret Chemist: Certainly, madam; here's an article. One customer of mine has been using nothing else for fourteen years.

Mrs. Wigg—"l aon't "believe whippings do children ai'.y good." Mrs. Migg-— "Why?" Mrs. —"I -whipped Johnny at the photographer's three times because he wouldn't look pleasant, and he still looked as cross as ever."

COINCIDED.:'"■ Mr. Upjohii: "You saw Kadgef■jfiy* 16 ipate a speech the other night - ; .6nk a ridiculous figure, didn't he f Thetis ■fen't a bit of spontaneity about finl.^ 1 '■* ' Mr. Gaswelhy "No, ; wouldn't have known'lioW'tp : 'tosir'iiti il~ he'd nad it." ' •' * ; * HIS GREAT FAULT* ;■ "Well, Hussell is gone, Boqfei^nrl; : he just worked himself/, to.de»t§i; he was always in such % hurry."..;.: ;' "Yes; and they say ;he wt», i«i o! breath when lie died." ..- . > ■ • . " ?:-~J±, teacher niGua?; | den-was-giving a circufe* '~J tion of- the blood. . Tryajj^to. tnsjtos it clearer, she said: . y. !:•;.■,. "Now,, children, if I stood adiafiiiui the blood, as you know, would' Tun iat« it, and I should turn red. in;th|iace; "Now, Jimmy," continued thi tdacher, addressing a small boy, "what-.l.;want to know is this: How is.it tiktwiile I am standing upright in the primary; position the blood does not, ran -into my. feet, and turn them red?"-. '_~ "Why, because your feet ain't.empty. , USES OF MILK, ') A . very mild North of:.JEngkni"-ffe» had for some time been, disple|M|6d,'*ifl| the quality of the milk served hilt At • length, he determined to -rembiriinte with Ms milkman for supplying; sudi weak stuff. He began mildly: 7 "I've been wanting to see jott in -re*' gard to the quality of milk whiebyoil are serving,me." •■"". tr Yes, sir/ nneasily, answered«tit tradesman. ■ .: "I only wanted to say," continued thl minister, "that I use the milk for", tf?*'; ary purposes exclusively, and aot:ioi christening." :; ?fl A GOOD REASON. .": A Bolton man, according to the don Globe," who accidentally \ fell Ste a pond the other night appeirs to n»Y« come to a wise decision, though wft c*e* slowly. "I sank six or seven tifiies, he said, " and then I thowt it wortyne I started swimming." It will: pr?l*Wf be remembered that the Scotsman ?&• fell into the river snatched at a *»«"§ bottle. "What's the.quid of strug#f;' demanded -his friend from the b*^- ,- "Ye've been doon three tintts a Ye'd better let hand o' the bottle." .i dinna want tae let go o' the .*j|*jk'', cried the drowning man, "it's mF)?. whisky". A WONDERFUL INVENTION/ _ A lady had a very ignorant vant, but she was a willing and goM worker, and estimable -in every W> except that she would not rise in ;1 M morning at a sufficiently early_hont So the lady thought she would an alarum. She did so, and presented it to the servant, saying "Yonkno*, Kate, that I require the fire alight.«« the kettle boiling by half past every morning, but I cannot get to do it, so I have bought' you tnis alarum." , .. ' Kate examined it curiously, M *J**" said: "Thank you, mum; it's yeiy But fancy a little thing loike thisW** able to loight the foire an ? niak?-> M kettle boil! Shure it's a wonderful »* .vention, nium!" A PROMISING YOUNGSTER '"Mary," remarked *he fiT* year-old son of a -m* been watching the pn.parations '•■** breakfast, "isn't fowls very clever .!»«* eh?" /j*m "Why, Master Arthurf housemaid in wondernient. '■' «*•* makes you think that?" ■ "Becos they lay eggs." -. ■■? "^ :■ , "Well, I suppose ttoy are *? plied Mary, rather at a loss for"** able reply. c - :? !*^fc "But you are more clewer tM»'W« arent yon?" went on the" yocng 1W fuL i^u.-----i "Lot , , Master Arflmr, wtefc wont r" Ibe sayin , next, I wonder?" '-' .■■ '•"Well, Mary," continued the ;ye«V ster, "you must be, for the foirla&W !l»y egg*. :bat joorxf* • - '.. £'

"There is no doubt about it," said the club man on the "owl" car, "a Russian disturbance is a terrible thing." "What do you know about it?" demanded his friend.. "You have never been in Russia." "No, but I have eaten Russian caviare before retiring."

She: Why do so many men go to the bad? —He: In their eagerness to be known as good fellows.

Ife— "l think modern dress reveals the vanity of the human heaTt." She—''Oh, I never saw one so decolette. as that."

Englishman: "I see they—aw—call these Transatlantic steamers ocean greyhounds." American: "That's on account of their swiftness." "I should — aw—think they'd call them ocean spaniels." "But the spaniel is not as swift as the greyhound." '"I know that, deah boy, but the greyhound is not a water dog."

Mrs. Burdock: "Bobby, how many times have I told you not to put your rubber boot* in the oven to dry out? How the whole house simply reeks with that disgusting odour. Go instantly and—." Bobby Burdock: "Aw, ma! Then ain't my boots. That , s pa smokin , one o' them cigars you gave bin on Christmas."

In * recent discussion of juvenile crime a. story was told o± a lad who was asked if he Knew the meaning of "regeneration." "Yes, , * responded the lad, "it means to. be born again." "And would you like to be born again? , be was asked. "Ifo, sir," exclaimed the boy, "Tarn too much afraid of ibemg-lwrn a girt."