Food for Laughter.

Auckland Star, Volume VI, Issue 1695, 24 July 1875, Page 5 (Supplement)

Food for Laughter.

An open letter—O. Sound doctrine—Acoustics. Matrimonial quan oh make couples despair, The most difficult thing to remember—The poor.

The hair of a young lady in Vermont turned white in a single night. She fell into a flour barrel.

' Gently the dues are o'er me stealing,' as the man said when he had thirteen bills presented to h;m in one day.

Jane Lace has been arrested in a Western city for being ' drunk and disorderly.' Another victim of tight lacing.

Punch says that a man who knows all about drains and such like sanitary contrivances may fairly be ranked as a counoissewer.

The terrible power of appetite ia illustrated in the case of a young man who drank up an entire mill-pond which his father left him.

' Why do you use paint ?' asked a violinist of his laughter. ' For the same reason that you use rjsin, papa.' ' How is that ?' « Why to help me draw my beau.'

District Visitor (blandly)—* Well, dame, and how do you find things now ?' Crusty old cottager—' How do I find thin gs ! Why by looking arter 'em, to be shore—drat you !'

At a recent meeting of a society composed of men from the Emerald Isle, a member made the following motion : ' Mr. President—l moves ye's whitewash the ceiling green, in honor of the old flag.'

'Remember this, Henry,' said a dying wife in R ode Island, ' never marry a woman with a molo on her chin. She'll use butter to shorten biscuits, and throw napkins out with the dish water.'

An Irishman with a heavy bundle on his shoulder riding oa the front of a horse-car, was asked why he did not set his bundle on the platform; He replied: 'Bejabers, the horses have enough to drag me. I*ll oarrr the bundle.' ' J

An old author quaintly remarks : ' Avoid arguments with ladies. In spinning yarns among silks and satins, a man is sure to be worsted and twisted. And when a man is worsted and twisted, he may consider himself wound up.'

An Arkansas youth came to his father and said : * Dad, they ain't knives enough to sot the table.' Dad—' Whar's big butclb, little butch, the case, cob-handle, granny's knife, and the one I handled yesterday ? That's enough to sofany gentleman's table, without you ye lost urn.'

' Tnat carpet,' said a dealer to an old farmer the other day, ' that carpet is one dollar thirty-five per yard ; but, seeing it's you, you can have it for one dollar twenty.' While he was cutting it off, the farmer proudly said to his wife : ' I never met him before, but you see he takes me for some big man. Now, then Mariar, see what 'tis to have a husband. who' looks smartish!'

Smith, the future poet laureate, has beaten every one who wrote of the seasons before He has got the four seasons into four lines for which he charged the editor of the Blue Buzzer $4. This is the poem :

'First comes the sneeze, Then comes the'peas, Then comes the fleas, Then it begins to freeze.'

| Abner Kobinson of Newbury port hat pointed to a gun over his fireplace for Beveral years, and said each time : • That's the weppin my old dad carried at Lexington.* The other day at the celebration the Maj or of the town went to investigate matters, and after awhile found that the gun was a breech-loader of the present day, and that AbnerY dad had died of black measles in State prison, and than Abner crawled uader the barn and wouldn't come out till next morning.