THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 586, 25 November 1871, Page 2

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

I went last night to the Choral Hall. I am not in the habit of going to soirees, but to this one I went in the expectation of finding soniethincf beside the ordinary. And so I did. Wright, the phrenologist, was there, manipulating bumps. Some people say that phrenology is not religious, that it overthrows free will and moral responsihjility, but that is nothing. Church-going people require a little dissipation, as they can't go tojje opera, and the theatre "is an abomination, and a little mild excitement is go#d for thc^ health. The parson got his bumps felt. That was right, as there was no risk in the phrenologist showing up the bad ones. But in ail evil hour the phrenologist undertook +A clinwr WM o™l/-the0 ™1/the r>U?pring of the parson. AY hat more natural? The theory about nimister'a sons being what their fathers arc, haying been .so conclusively established, it Was altogether reasonable to suppose that the bumps of the child showed to be the sara.e as those of the1 father: in fact, phrenology was enlisted to prove the truth of the thing. Accordingly, a number of lads, selected from the congregation, were ranged in order on the platform, and the man of bumps, with eyes bandaged, after a few cabalistic words, and passes with his hand.--, proceeded to discover who among them derived their exigence from the pastor. After examining several heads in vain, the professor at length seized on one line little fellow, and declared him to bo the minister's son. The people laughed,.-the parson blushed, the ladies tittered, blushed, and held down their heads, and laughed again in their handkerchiefs and wriggled—ladies do so like a lark, - and the whole place was in a ferment of fun and annoyance at the unfortunate contretemps. .Nothing daunted, the man of skulls seized hold of another line little chap, and after careful groping behind his ears, on the top of his head, his forehead, and his occiput, declared with emphasis that this was the minster's son. " Mold ! enough !" —said the parson in a voice of thunder, while every young lady's face was buried in her handkerchief, and the young fellows asked them so proyokingly what ijioy were laughing ■at; and ijie old ladies reddened, .and looked grave, and I have never seen sitij^ a que^r sight before. Some said the Professor was an enemy in the camp, that lie was in league with.the publicans, while his protestations as to 'the reliability of the soi-jiice aud the truthfulness of his declarations only made the matter worse. I do like phrenology, and it might be very useful;in settling disputed points of lineage, as' in the Tichborne case- for example ; but it might become a very awkward science iv the hijjjds of a reckless man, and might do infinite mischief in causing quarrels iv the community. Hencefo^h when people are getting married, business peoplo should look out. | "No credit given" should be the order of the day. When parties come to select trousseaux, or wines, or bridal Rakes, or any other little accessory to the interesting occasion. Sometime ago, a bride'sjcalce. was the subject of litigation, and v member of the General Assembly was uujil- asantly reminded of the pleasant occasion when earth was clothed in gladness, and, lie drank nectar and ate ambrosia at rtic □ferriage breakfast. 3fow, a man ignores his wine bill, which had accrued on v similar interesting occasion. J. wonder that our tradesmen do not know human nature sufficiently well to feel iiwi the honeymoon, if not the closing 'days of antenuptial bliss, is the. ■ proper time for having a settlement; of these little items. It is really too had after the cup ot'iifctnris drained tp the lees, anl when i)w-.;..* U»-c U&eti i.lh place of roses, and piiiiinion s of ojhyige blossoms, and iiillt; Cupids have ; been shorn of their wings, an<f degenerated into little Johnny and Tommy siifknig lollipops, and out of. tocsin then' bo<|ts,it is really too bad lo {>." dunned for the payment of expenses inclined in it Lose halcyon days, which nj&rC ail.toojiappy without the needless adjuncts of wine aud

bridal cake 3. Only to fancy a man when in thai; mood which expresses itself to the wife of his buzzuui in " Take away your ugly hoofs," being pressed for payment oF a biii incurred when the most forcible expression of autli .vitj W, i '•Please, darliug, will you reiuove your dear little faotsey tootsay I'ooU^ys." I can quite appreciate the fVoHtVJJS of I)odd, but I caunafe understand hrjj taking advantage by a smart trick, anil letting | ; Mr. Moore in !'"i' heavy exp-vnaos. Bad | enough to shelter: himself behind the Supreme Court., but to oqine up from the Thames, when the plaintiff, knowing the j uselessness of serving, did not appear, i that was Use unkindest cut of all. Hovv- j ever, he knew thai it was all one to him, — j that whet! er he appeared to dufeud, or j whether'he didn't, he was sui'o to win, j and that he might have the chance ofJ having satisfaction for being reminded of orange blossoms, now withered and j strewn.

Now then boys, we'll all go in, Tommy Podd, Tommy Dodd j Heads or tails, we're sure to win, j Hurrah i'or Tommy Dodd ! rLlie law courts are at present engaged i in a question of great delicacy : to wit", | the value to be set on female charms. It | appears that mine host of the Greyhound j ordered a consignment oi loveliness from j the province of " parritcli and barley j bree." She came, she saw, but she did ' not conquer. In fact, Mike did not Jiice j the lookn of the consignment, and con- j signed her to the kitchen. J3ut this, was j a mortal offence to Matty, and tho spectce i injuria former rankled deep in the lovely j buzzum. With a majestic air she tucked her crinoline about her and departed from | the ungallant unappreciative Mike, and turned her face to the South. But if mine host thought he had seen the last of her, he was wof'ully mistaken, for he has received a document in the name of liar Majesty with the usual " To wit, whereas whereby and notwithstanding," in which that royal lady so frequently speaks to her liege subjects. otd now the dolicalo question arises respecting tho beauty of Matty. Was it such as -'fchouju have been relegated to the companionship of pots and kettles aud frying-pans, or should it have shed its lustre from behind the bar, bewildering and " stringing " the customers of that popular hostelry. It will be the part of Mr. Hcsketh 10 sing the charms of the lovely Hebe, and of Mr. I3rookaeld to describe her snubbj nose and her carrotty hair, how, instead of a mouth with pretty little rosy lips that seem j ist made for kissing, and which would te:upt susceptible youth to linger at the bar, and sip champagne for the pleasure of r.-veiling in those delicious smiles, and basking in the light of those laughing eyes, she had a mouth fitt.ed- alone, apparently by nature, for swallowing potatoes and cabbage; that her smilo whs like the grin of a rbinocerous, and her face sufficient to dispel thirst from the soul of the most bibulous. I fancy I can hear Mr. Hesketh dilate 'on the witchery of (hat lair young face, the glances of h, r laughter-loving eyes; the artless sigh, ihc maiden blush/ the half coy, hall forward advances with ~. jiu-ii oiie uouia iijaa mo enraptured swains on a string, and i xcito emotions which could only be rd^a|||fe^iil <!' wine? AVith Muci^ByfTfligWng '■- aifyjgg cacy it will ho JflWny'-nbl*.; l>> arrive at the. riuhl .oejKton unless the Dv.r casus belli her-Hpf appears on the sceue. Mr. Bockharfi has not lost tho p .vrt-v of appreciating female charms. I venture to say that in his youth he was not unsusceptible to the glance of h bright eye and the witchery of a fairy form, nor has his " eve waxed dim, nor liis natural force abated," and desj.ite the conflicting sentiments of the lawyers, and the ponderous tomes of musty legal lore with which tln-y will attempt to clench their arguments, i do not hesitate to say that the ilesideut Magistrate, gazing through Ins-eyeglass for a few minutes at the fair complainant, will be able to arrive at a just decision, aud rightly assess the damages to be paid by the ungallant Mike, who consigned the fair Hebe to the nether regions of coal scuttles aud :greasy dishes.