THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 540, 3 October 1871, Page 2

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

I am very glad to see that the remop-. strance-.of myself and Dick have had the effect of/putting a stopper on the iriad carebrbf the traction engine, which for. the^past month or two has been fright-ii.' ing oucvcity Horses out of their lives^nd worrying all the old women and children in the "town to. death. After theclast trial, Dick arid,myself drew up apetition to the Superinfendent,. setting forth;,our grievances oli the subject, and' yesterday an official reply was received ; but by1 some mistake it was forwarded to the Mayor, who read it to the members of the Borough Council. Fron_£*fcj_is reply;-it will; .be seen that the iron liorse wiU.no more be brought out on high days and holidays, but that it is at ouce to be despatched to Wellington to fetch up to this city our portion ol the loan, this is as it should be, but great doubts are entertained about its capacity to draw $P largMmbilnt of bullion to this province which by right belongs to it. For the last three weeks I have been very busily employed drawing,, up a scheme of water supply for the 7 city |>f, Auckland. Unlike any other that I have heard of, mine is of a most comprehensive and at the same time economical nature, and I shall be very much surprised if it is not adopted. It was*forwarded to his Kxeelleney the Governor by Ihe last mail, and as it is no doubt in print beforn this in the whole oi'Jthe Southern papers, I pee ho reason why I should not now* make it public to my fellow citizens in Auckland, ever ready as I am to let them in for a good thing. Divested of all useless verbiage, it is briefly as follows : -Take the crater of Rangitoto as a base of operations. From this crater dig a submarine tunnel down through the mountain, and across the channel communicating with, the Lake on the North Shore. ;-Tddo this the labor required will be trivial. Then place a long gutta percha or indiarupber tube through the tunnel, and. at the] Rangitoto end have a large iron tank made to contain several hundred pints of water. Of course the water will not ascend from the lake to the mountaintop without some motive power. 1 : I would, therefore, suggest that the headquarters of the Temperance Society should be stationed in the crater, and we may be quite sure that they will very soon draw the water up and keep Hie tank filled. To do this effectually they must be provided with a squirt somewhat stronger than ordinary. Leading down from the water-works on the peak, there should be more tubing communicating With Auckland ani the suburbs. The pain pipe should lead to Queen-street; and here I would station a very thirsty teetotaller, with orders whenever the supply, of water from the peak slackened, to apply hi 3 mouth to the surface of the pipe and call out to his friends on the crater that ____- —r had just arrived and wanted a drink, or that Os——d L s bad just hove in sight and wished to take a supply up to the young men at the Corner. Of course this would only be a blind, but all the water could be spurted into a' large tank to be kept; say, at the junction of Grey and Wakefield-streets, and capable of containing thirty or forty gallons, which would answer all our .p <.sent purposes. And besides the scheme would be useful as a means of defence, for no enemy's vessel would aare to pass tnrottgn itangitoto Channel with such a terrific water battery overhead. At night, in the event of a fire, it would be necessary to pass the word through the tube that the members of the Drury ;Alliance were just meeting* to secure ■a most abundant supply from our ifrieli'ds on: the crater. So, engineer*, all, I pray you :to give' yourselves no further trouble in the matter of drawing up plans for a water supply, for 'mine will assuredly be accepted, a,qd if they are, as some slight compensation for your anxieties, I.will ask you all to a idrink, as soon as the main tauk is fixed ;in Queen-street. .... * I

The other evening Dick went to a lecture on Phrenology, and, as a matter of course,, at the close of the lecture, he had ;bis " bdmps" ; felt. He says the- doctor's a fiist-rate chap—simply, I expect, because he gave him a first-rate character. Dick says he sat on a form, with the audience grinning at him; but he cared not for that, for he is a noble-minded youth, despite his many foibles. " Yes, dad," says Dick, " I thought Id-see what the professor thought of me, so, after he had done his bit of speechifying,'lgoes up to him, and says, 'Will you please feel my bumps ?! 'With pleasure,' says he; and: at the same time held out his hand, which }I, of course, at once filled with coppers. So he says, ' Sit down here, young man, ;and take off your cap.' And then he turns up the Guffs of his coat, turns over the yvhite of : his shirt sleeves, and,,after a little perliminary dodging ahout my hair, .he gives the ; fbiktrin description of me, which I consid£rj, Had, i§ yerj;.fiatterin'. Says he :—' You were bora, young man, lata time when yon were very young; land'your-mother wasH*_- woman. She had descended from a long line of ancestors before'her,' '■' : I can't,' says he,'' say jsp much for yc-u'r father, for,: from 7 the jappearahce of this left bump behind the, ear,.l should think he.had/but few pr - Igenitors. yburniother w&s'.a i w.qman of Imany parts, and, had she not died, |she" would, I have no doubt, have been alive : .at * the, ~ present time. She was too endowed with considerable 'personal attractions.' ' Yes,' interrupted I, .she took' afte/me.' ;'.Silence, s|r| continued; he, Vl. nam f/ nottasking. your ; advice with regard ; : to my diagnosis,, -Your mother was clever, but, alits J who in ;the ; gods lore—die r young.. Your-father, :I grieve to, add,'l:cannot:Spea.k.^>'C in suchiflattering terms. He is evidently an ; .old; 'jman who has ?be£n younger/;!'doubt not, 'at one period of his existence. ;rHe is,; I ;fear, much.given : to ;mixed, dr,ink?, and is ivery bald at the back part of his occiput." ;Now, dad, this considerably riled me, so \l fired up, and says I, '.*; What'have you .got to say agin my old man—'cos, dou't do it just, and so I tell you.' He seetnea deeply affected at this filial outburst of j emotion, and after wiping his eyes, he I continued,: 'Well, young man, I will leave the subject of the author of your -being; for, poor old man, he can't help .'bein an unfortunit writer for the press. |But they do say he's very weak in his iintellecks, through a too frequent use of ip.b.' Then, I hit him but instead of his •resentin it, he uays jiblitely, ' Well, well, ■h6y, I'll excuse your feeling; it is but

"hatter&l.' Bc*ooj| governor^ saysj| 1; ■^On't'^anb^y father's cliatacter *^pt m^ jfroth-rw*. nrttlier." Just give me my own, and that's about whatJ^mit^And. then. he^jßgain ploagUea^tDrouglt.my hair, a^d* ••ilbkiijd .m^^tfin|»3 to that* degree^! didu't-_nW- whatlier,.l - was v a. standing' ;on rilV head ,oi mf; teels. 'This is a, Uood / heah,-'-saysbe, «this is a fine head, aud:-wit_" many well developed qualities, but1 grieve to say they are^out-balanced by the bad ones.' Here," says h<v.iß an incipient love for Tommy Dodd;. here is admiration for the damsels of the bar strongly developed, but these are qualified by a-love -of literatoor, -. the. drama, aud especially the, circus ; ; music, ty9rj*> s'trbngly :developed.'-r Do' you says he, s^ae^jTsßriEinOSr-J freflr bump. 'I do.'says I. 'So I thought —musical faculty strongly developed,— what do you play ? ' 'At pitehpenny, says I 'Oh ! ' says lie, ' but you have a*taste fbrthe flftevarts? 'fyt¥^A^r I, SI can'dd «i trick at fi^d^witli heyef and there a one, and at Yankee grab I has few" ekals.' 'Ah !' * says he, -you will get on in the world. Have you been lon^n Auckland .->: VW¥. hs' I rbplied. ■ Atihis;he pohdei^a dbeply— striking out boldly for-fresh bumps meanwhiie. At last he hit upon one which secmedtb give him much pleasure, for, says., he, * A great future is beforP. you f'bufc let mc warn you, boy—dabble not in politics, or they will! *WJ your ruin. ' How so.? * says 1,, ' You,.have that in you, from your: pvt_t confessioiijs which will lift yon albnfti If yoii;' are Jot very careful you '4'iH bt elected i viUighway Board man, tbeh a 1 Borough'Ootin-cillor, then a Provincial Councillor, then^ probably, Mayor of A'tickland; frbm tH_t" to the General Assembly is. but a step^and, unless yqu wat^U it Rir, and get. you.P venerable-parent-,tb look sha'rpvafter you, I wretched career by becoming Colonial Secretary ~or even Premier;' and; the Great^Phrcnolosjat }fairly -w^*ptWith emotion. ' ' Get down, boy, get: down; and let the next lad come up'— and he put me from him, dad, as though I had done somethiog yorj^yickeid. However,' I think f£a Ag Igive me wasn't half a bad one, and so I don't so much care." I need scarcely say that I added my warning to that of the Ph_.eno-' logist, for should Dick once enter into politics I should not be surprised if he meets with the miserable fate foretold of him by the Feeler of Bumps and the Explanitor of Occiput*. « $ / NATHpriJßii Beeswing. 7